(no subject)

Aug. 8th, 2017 07:55 am
beanside: (Jeff-Dead and Breakfast)
So, I've been on the "new" psych meds for about three months now, and I think they're working pretty well. It's hard to tell, because the Cymbalta crapped out a couple years ago, but the Lamictal kept me from spiraling. Then, early last year I started the nightmare taper down of Cymbalta. It turned out that while it wasn't doing shit for me, I was totally ungodly sensitive to the dose drop. Every 10 mg involved three weeks withdrawal. Headaches, difficulties with concentration, nausea. It was awesome, and took nearly six months. Best of all, it doesn't come in 10mg, only 20, 30 & 60. So that last drop is a bitch. (I did the final drop when I had pneumonia last July,because I already felt shitty). Wellbutrin could just as well have been water. It did nothing. Lamictal continued the Herculean task of keeping me out of the depths, but I was just...numb. I wasn't suicidal, or even that sad, just didn't see the point to much through the fog.

Then Viibryd, which helped, but needed a touch more, so Abilify was added. And hey, I can feel again. Downside? I can feel again. I cried during American Gods, because random woman died, but she had a cat! And who would take care of it? I'm hoping that it eases up eventually, because damn, it's obnoxious.

I'm writing a bit, but the part of my brain that was always eight steps ahead is still lagging. I was kind of hoping it would pop back up, but so far, still MIA. I miss it. Or maybe it's just a function of not having a job I can write during? When we wrote a lot of our stuff, Jess had a job that she could write during, and so did I. Maybe it's because we're in different fandoms, and so I'm not bouncing shit off her as much? Could be a combo. I'm trying to carve 30 minutes out in the morning to write, but I might need more.

Still a work in progress, I guess.
Posting from the start because I did some editing based on comments on the original post.

Read more... )

(no subject)

Jul. 14th, 2017 10:26 am
beanside: (Default)
1) Do you want to get married?
Already have, twice. First was a handfasting attended by our coven. It was in no way legal, but it was the ceremony that mattered. Then, when Maryland voted to legalize same sex marriage (still proud of us for that--we're the only state that passed it by popular vote instead of legal mandate), our best friend, the awesome [personal profile] poisontaster married us during a brunch with my family at an Irish pub.

2) Where would you like to get married?
I'd like to do a party for our friends someday. There's a farm near us that has a refurbished barn, complete with climate control. We could renew our vows by the alpacas, and then have a party. Nothing fancy, just a get together.

3) If you were getting married in a week, who would be in your wedding party?

Don't think I'd bother with that. I'm thinking pretty informal.

4) What would your wedding colours be?

Purple, gold and green. Mardi Gras colors, which stand for justice, faith and power.

5) Does marriage mean to you 'til death do us part?
We're both pagan, so our vows included "this life and all the lives to come." Still planning on that.

(no subject)

Jun. 30th, 2017 07:39 am
beanside: (Default)
Ah, payday. The day where I can briefly pretend that I have money. It never lasts more than a weekend.

I got a promotion at work, which means a pretty substantial pay raise. I'm nervous, but excited. For an extra $3/hr, I can pretend to care about my customer's issues even more, I guess.

(I work in the call center for the US branch of a multinational Swedish furniture chain. Some days I'm still shocked at how worked up people can get about furniture. Crying, cursing, threatening to have the charge card reverse the charges for one missing twenty dollar item on a thousand dollar order...)
Who are you named after?
Nominally, after my grandmother's hairdresser. My sister thought she was pretty, and begged for me to be Teresa. I'm not a fan of the other options, so she did good. I'm just not a Lisa.

Last time you cried?
I had a meltdown weekend about two weeks ago. I cried at everything. American Gods had a random character die, and I cried because she had a cat.

Do you like your handwriting?
It's okay. A little rough, but legible if I take my time. I'm dyslexic, and the school's way of "fixing" that was to teach me cursive. Yeah, it was the 70's.

What is your favorite lunch meat?
Turkey, preferably honey roasted.

Longest relationship?
Outside of blood relatives, my wife and I have been together for 17 years.

Do you still have your tonsils?
Nope, though I didn't have them out till I was 18-I don't recommend it.

Would you bungee jump?
No. I'm afraid of heights, plus I have a spinal issue that would make it dangerous.

Favorite kind of cereal?
Oooh, I don't know. Cap'n Crunch, maybe?

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Favorite ice cream?
Cookie dough.

What is the first thing you notice about a person?
Posture-body language. Are they welcoming approach?

Football or baseball?
Pro Wrestling.

What color pants are you wearing?
I just got up, so no pants yet.

Last thing you ate?
Pop tarts.

What are you listening to?
Hellfire, Barns Courtney

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

What is your favorite smell?
The smell of damp earth in the fall-undertones of the dry leaves, clear, cool breeze.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
I work in a call center, so it was a Russian dude who called me a cocksucker/whore in Russian when I couldn't get his furniture to him today. Jokes on him--of the few things I've retained from my community college Russian class, the cursing is crystal clear. I called him on it and transferred him to a supervisor.


Hair color?
Mostly gray, but originally mouse brown.

Eye color?

Favorite foods to eat?
Bread. I love a good bread. Sushi, pasta, Hawaiian pizza, sesame chicken.

Scary movies or happy ending?

Last movie you watched?
Guardians of the Galaxy 2

What color shirt are you wearing?

Favorite holiday?

Beer or wine?
Neither, can't drink on my psych meds. I miss wine, though.

Night owl or morning person?
night owl as a kid, now morning person.

Favorite day of the week?

Favorite season?
As mentioned yesterday, this is a work in progress. I plan to make this go somewhere, but buyer beware.
Read more... )


May. 23rd, 2017 04:12 pm
beanside: (Default)
We all know that I suck at WIPs. As in, I have a ton. Some, like Retriever verse, I totally plan to get back to. Depression and pain disorder hit me hard, and now it's a good day when I write 200 words. I also never feel like the stuff I write now is as good as what I used to.

I'm trying to get back into writing but I find it's harder without cheerleading or feedback. So, I'm going to try something for the next few weeks. I'm going to post what I'm working on. If it helps me, I'll keep going. If not, it was worth a try. I'll probably post on tumblr and dreamwidth.

As always, no guarantee that it'll ever be finished.

(no subject)

May. 14th, 2017 11:58 am
beanside: (Jeff-Dead and Breakfast)
I'm having an oddly rough relationship with Mother's Day this year. I don't know if I'm PMSing or what, but I cried at American Gods when the character we'd never even seen died because I was worried about her cat.

It's been a shitty couple of weeks, with plumbing issues and leaks in the basement, and absolutely no fucking cash to fix them. I've been having a fibro flare, I think. It's just been rough,and I've really wanted an adult to come deal with it. Just a shitshow combination, I think. It's left me teary and feeling off balance.

If we can get through a couple of weeks without a disaster, it might help.


May. 6th, 2017 11:31 am
beanside: (Default)
/Excited dolphin noises.

So, we went to our local swank Cinebistro last night to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2. It's a gorgeous place with full food and drink service. The best part is that they do it all during the half hour prior to previews, so once those are done, the servers are done. No one comes in during the show, which I love. It's one of the things that bugged me at the Alamo Drafthouse.

The movie, without getting spoilery, was amazing. It built on the first movie, as the found family has their growing pains. It brings back Nebula, Yondo and Craglin and gives them all their own emotional beats.

The ending had me sobbing. I never thought that Sylvester Stallone would move me to tears, but he did.

Also, five after credit scenes. The Groot one is perfect. James Gunn loves us very much.
Mine on the other hand, is an old Halloween themed carnival that everyone thinks is deserted, but they see lights and hear calliope music now and then.
Read more... ).

Okay, done with the gross shit now. I'm rereading Seanan McGuire/Mira Grant's Newsflesh series again, this time on Audible. It was my first introduction to the amazing worlds that she creates, and it'll probably always be my favorite. There are few things that make me smile like the phrases "My name is Georgia Mason, and I'm begging you, rise up while you can," or "Hey George, check this out." It has amazing, intricate worldbuilding, a twisty plot that seems even more prescient now than when it came out.

There's also a bunch of short stories and spinoffs, which is great. I want to live in the world of the Rising as much as I can. I already had all the other books on Audible, so I finally broke down and purchased the main series, too.

The thing that I like most of all about the author is that she can take valid criticism, and will adapt future writing to incorporate the changes. For instance, there's a character who is mentioned in Feed in a slut-shaming way by the lead character. People pointed it out, and So in the spinoff, that character was brought in, and she was awesome. A strong feminist character who made the choice to go into politics to make a difference for marginalized groups. A former exotic dancer who wielded her sexuality as a weapon. She was smart, calculating, and fucking amazing. And in doing so, it shows another side of the character who slut-shamed her, and how she related to women.

She also has a variety of races, sexualities and genders showcased in her stories. And one hard and fast rule: no rape. Some animal death, discussions of animal experimentation, but nothing that tweaks me out. I'm pretty sensitive about that.
If you haven't read it, I cannot rec it highly enough.

Huh, why not

Apr. 25th, 2017 10:45 am
beanside: (Elliot)
Post if it’s okay for your followers to leave you an ask telling you what the one thing is they remember you for as a writer. Is it a scene or a detail or a specific line? Is it something like style or characterization? Is it that one weird kink they never thought they’d be into, but oh my god wow self-discovery time?
Where would one go to find the media for it?

I have a Steve/Bucky vid set to "Immortals" that I can't quite let go of.

In other news, Abilify is awesome so far.

(no subject)

Apr. 17th, 2017 07:34 am
beanside: (Default)
I would like it noted that the entire weekend, I refrained from tactless "Happy Zombie Jesus Day" posts on the Internet. Oooh, or "Happy Ostara/Eostre, you theiving motherfuckers," posts.

I'm a goddamn hero.

Oh, funny thing: So, nilchance and I live with my family (which consists of my elderly father, and my sister S.). My father has always been pretty liberal--his best friend was an African-American man, from the early sixties on. Maryland is many wonderful things, but it is still below the Mason Dixon line, and in some ways, that still shows. But in the past, his liberalness was quiet. He was a prettty good ally. Didn't stand for racist shit being said in front of him, though like most of his generation, he missed the less obvious stuff, and to this day still has a mansplaining issue.

On the other hand, when I nervously came out to him, he nodded and said "Yeah, I thought so," and quietly welcomed nilchance into the family, and later (by about 1 month) into our home.

Now though, he is SO fucking pissed about the Orange Asshole in the White House, and at all the shit he's doing. I'm pretty sure if he could physically do it, he'd be marching. Instead, he calls senators and signs petitions, and calls AARP to tell them to lobby against Trump's shit. And he talks about how xenophobic things have gotten. Except, best part--Dad's a little hard of hearing, and a little dyslexic.

So, he calls it "oxenophobic." Yes. Afraid of oxen. It is the cutest damn thing.
1) What family traditions did your family have, while you were growing up?
Traditions have always been a fluid thing, but a few that I remember fondly: when we were little, we'd have Christmas at my grandparents. We lived a couple of blocks from them, and we were much closer than our cousins. In return, we were the favored grandchildren. On Christmas Eve,we'd go to a cousins house party, then we'd sleep at the grandparents house--one of us would sleep with each grandparent. (In retrospect, they were not a particularly happy couple, mostly because my grandfather was a bit of a narcissistic ass. He was a pretty awesome grandfather, but a really shit husband and father.) We'd get up early, and have a big breakfast, which of course, we didn't feel like eating. Then, my sister and I would stay impatiently upstairs while the grownups got themselves and their coffee settled in the basement, and got set up to document the whole orgiastic endeavor. We'd be called downstairs, to be blinded by flashes on the stairs so they could get that moment when we'd see what Santa had left. Throughout the morning, cousins and family friends would come visit, and the present bonanza would repeat. It was an over the top Norman Rockwell mess, and I'm forever grateful to my parents and grandparents for doing it.

Second, and maybe even better, sometimes in the summer, no real rhyme or reason when it would happen, we'd have water fights. Usually it started with my sister or I dripping the remnants of an empty glass on each other, or my parents. They'd retaliate and the fight was on. Sometimes, we would take it outside, but it was just as likely that it wouldn't. One of my fondest memories is of my sisters best friend., watching us like we were insane. She'd dumped a cup on me, but retreated to the sofa, assuming that she'd be safe, and we wouldn't wet the upholstery. That couch was damp and uncomfortable for a week afterwards, but it was totally worth it for the look on the friend's face when Mom launched the contents of a gallon bucket of cold water at her.

2) What new traditions have you established since becoming an adult? Most of our traditions have become more necessity based than any particular spiritual of family bonding. They revolve around who helps get Dad ready for bed, and who does which chore.

3) What tradition is most important to you in your current life? On Sunday and Monday, I get to sleep in. Jess gets up to watch Dad.

4) What traditions do you have for the current season (spring or fall, depending on where you live)? Spring, we watch for my grandmothers lilac to bloom, and smile wistfully as we sneeze at the sweet smell.

5) What traditions would you like to establish in the future? I'd like to get back into some form of religious practice. I kind of fell away from it when our coven disbanded. We're in suburbia, and there's not many open circles that I know of. Still, we have a big backyard with enough privacy that we could use it.
The med that I was on is still working, but as expected, it's tapered from the initial "Holy shit, I have feelings?"

Now, mostly I have the ability to feel, but it's not enough impetus to break the log jam around my creative process.

On the other hand, now I feel shitty that I can't quite pull it through into actual writing. Jess has been stuck in a mixed state for the last few weeks, and while the agitation, hypervigilance and insomnia keep it from seeming fun, she has been writing a ton.

So, after some research, we're adding 2mg of Abilify to the stew and I may increase my lamictal to compensate, if it sends me through the roof.

I just want my words back. I know they're still in there.
And by it, I mean my new crazy pill. Never leave me, Vibryd. It gave me back my words. Words that don't feel like I have to bleed them out one drop at a time. I've written nearly two thousand words over the last three days, when I wrote a sentence in the last three months.

Yeah, 2016 sucked shit. I lost my job...twice. Well, two separate jobs. In the long run, neither was a huge loss, but damn. I had pneumonia that knocked me on my ass for two months (and my lungs are still SUPER pissy about little things like cold air--which is sucking. The orange hedgehog won the election--ugh. (Okay, not getting over that one anytime soon).

But, on the plus side, I have a new job that pays decently and has great benefits. (seriously, any call-center folks in Baltimore: IKEA is hiring and the benefits are wonderful $5 generic meds.) Also of the good, during our benefits fair, they had a couple of drawings for different prizes, and I won a beautiful little Ipad mini. I named it Wanda, because it is fucking magical, y'all. I bought a fold out bluetooth keyboard, and it goes everywhere with me.

But more importantly overall is that now that I have good insurance, I was able to go to my psych doctor and say "Wellbutrin was not the one. What can we try next?" And, because she's awesome, she looked at the options and said "Well, Vibryd has some gastro issues, but a lot of my patients love it.) And honestly, I will deal with the morning nausea and diarrhea to feel human again. It's annoying, but I can write!

I've been on it two weeks yesterday. Still titrating up, and am on 20mg. Day eight, I wanted to listen to music instead of audiobooks. (I have some massive sound sensitivity, which is much worse when I'm depressed). Day 10, I had the beginnings of a plot bunny nibbling my brain. Day 12, I went to Target and bought a new journal, and scribbled down motivations and eventual plot. Day 13, I had 600 words in google docs. Day 14, I had 1800. Who knows what I'll end up with today.

It's really nice for a change.
So, my cards came in from Amazon, so here's the obligatory call for it. Comments are screened to me. I think I have some of your addresses, but if you're not sure, let me know. Please indicate your holiday of choice! The cards are non-denom, but admittedly a touch pagan-y, much like me.

My address under the cut, if you wish. (You don't have to send one to get one! The last few years, I haven't been in a place to do cards, so I totally get it.)

Read more... )


Oct. 25th, 2016 08:36 am
beanside: (Default)
Things are going well with the new job, I enjoy the people I'm training with, and the job's not too tough. I'm looking forward to getting into the second round of training next week--we started out training for the "first contact" and now are spending two weeks taking the calls--mostly delivery issues, stock checks, etc. Nothing horrible. (Though, damn. There are some entitled people out there.) Next week we go in for a week of training in our real job, which is resolving cases for the delivery issues, product problems, etc. I'm looking forward to it. I like being able to solve problems for people, and that's the whole job. Thus why I'm going into resolutions.

I wasn't sure how I'd like being out of medicine, since that's what I've done my whole life, but it's kind of freeing. No matter how badly I screw up, I'm not going to affect anyone's health. I can't cause them to miss a problem if I misread a test result, can't put them in withdrawal if my doctor doesn't call in a script. It's nice. No matter how badly I fuck up, it's just furniture.

(I'm having a flashback to Santino Rice singing "lighten up it's just fashion" on Project Runway now...)

In more annoying news, did you know that after a major illness, up to a third of women have a bout of major hair loss? And, it is reported more often in people who have taken Levaquin for that illness? Guess who was on Levaquin for her pneumonia? I'm not vain about that much. I'm a fat, short chick with bad teeth. I like my green eyes and my wavy, thick hair. I'm really fucking vain about my hair, okay? And it is falling out, a lot. It's not to the point that I can see scalp, but it's obvious to me. My ponytail is about 1/2 the thickness it was. According to the internet, it's probably temporary, but damn. It's freaking me out, and I HATE it.

I'm trying not to let it bother me, but everytime I run my fingers through a section of hair, I'm pulling between 5-10 strands every time. Even if I've brushed. It seems silly that I'm so upset. Things are so much better than they were. I'm not sick, I can breathe enough that I don't panic when I cat sits on my chest, I've got a good job that I'm enjoying, everyone in my family are healthy, and we're financially solvent at the moment. I just can't stop worrying about it.


beanside: (Default)

August 2017

67 89 101112


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Oct. 22nd, 2017 03:31 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios