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beansideAs to be expected, may have triggers, so it's behind a cut.
Well, actually, I have major depression, panic/anxiety disorder, self harm tendencies, and the the possibility of hypomania. That last one scares the hell out of me, by the way.
It's kind of funny, actually. My beautiful wife's late mother was bipolar, and Jess is exceeding nervous that she ever could become bipolar. But when she lists the symptoms, she's not the one who fits them best. So, once we get her meds tweaked, I'll schedule up an appt with the doctor, and see what she says.
Because Jess has been in the process of getting her depression and anxiety under control, I've been very aware of my own lately.
It's been so long since I last had a 'whale shit at the bottom of the ocean' depth of depression, that I realized I'm not good at gauging where I am right now. I think I'm further down than I thought I was.
Before Christmas, when our kitten got out and went on a daylong bender, only to return at 4 am the next morning, I was a wreck once I got home. I managed a full day at work because of the sweet, calming feel of steel against skin. I had a craft knife I'd gotten for some project or another, and even though it wasn't sharp enough to slice skin, it was pointy, and I could slide it into the skin, and lift. Eventually the skin would tear with a tiny pop, and a little pain. It quieted the part of my mind that was screaming, and let me do what I needed to do at work.
I've always been open about my depression. I had a major depressive problem as a teenager, to the point that I didn't want to leave the house. I flunked every single grade from 7-10th and was still shoved forward because I was too smart to leave behind. My pediatrician (apparently) was more worried that I was a fatass than that I was suicidal, so I had no meds, no counseling.
What I did have, oddly, was old school wrestling. This is back in the early era, when Hulk Hogan, and Rowdy Roddy Piper were just becoming household names. I gravitated to the NWA, less produced, more gritty, and found myself in love with the saga of the Rock N Roll vs the Midnight Express, and Magnum TA vs the Russian Nightmare, Nikita Koloff.
The stupid, cartoony plotlines and swerves kept me from many a suicide attempt, because if nothing else, I wanted to know what would happen next week!
Professional wrestling has had the biggest impact of any other extraneous force on my life. It kept me alive, it gave me an outlet for the anger and aggression that I couldn't find another way to express. It brought my amazing and beautiful wife to me. Even today, I have a fondness for it, and especially for some of the wrestlers who made me smile when I was so very far down.
The point of this is that a lot of bloggers lately have been discussing this, and I wanted to do the same. For another amazing post, I sugesst the Bloggess' treatise on her own issues with self harm. This second post, which deals with the feedback she got from the first brought a tear to my eye.
Lastly, just because it needs to be said, you are not alone. There are SO many people out there dealing with things a lot like you. And they feel just as lonely, and lost, and scared.
If you need help, ask for it. It only takes on step to start the healing process.
Well, actually, I have major depression, panic/anxiety disorder, self harm tendencies, and the the possibility of hypomania. That last one scares the hell out of me, by the way.
It's kind of funny, actually. My beautiful wife's late mother was bipolar, and Jess is exceeding nervous that she ever could become bipolar. But when she lists the symptoms, she's not the one who fits them best. So, once we get her meds tweaked, I'll schedule up an appt with the doctor, and see what she says.
Because Jess has been in the process of getting her depression and anxiety under control, I've been very aware of my own lately.
It's been so long since I last had a 'whale shit at the bottom of the ocean' depth of depression, that I realized I'm not good at gauging where I am right now. I think I'm further down than I thought I was.
Before Christmas, when our kitten got out and went on a daylong bender, only to return at 4 am the next morning, I was a wreck once I got home. I managed a full day at work because of the sweet, calming feel of steel against skin. I had a craft knife I'd gotten for some project or another, and even though it wasn't sharp enough to slice skin, it was pointy, and I could slide it into the skin, and lift. Eventually the skin would tear with a tiny pop, and a little pain. It quieted the part of my mind that was screaming, and let me do what I needed to do at work.
I've always been open about my depression. I had a major depressive problem as a teenager, to the point that I didn't want to leave the house. I flunked every single grade from 7-10th and was still shoved forward because I was too smart to leave behind. My pediatrician (apparently) was more worried that I was a fatass than that I was suicidal, so I had no meds, no counseling.
What I did have, oddly, was old school wrestling. This is back in the early era, when Hulk Hogan, and Rowdy Roddy Piper were just becoming household names. I gravitated to the NWA, less produced, more gritty, and found myself in love with the saga of the Rock N Roll vs the Midnight Express, and Magnum TA vs the Russian Nightmare, Nikita Koloff.
The stupid, cartoony plotlines and swerves kept me from many a suicide attempt, because if nothing else, I wanted to know what would happen next week!
Professional wrestling has had the biggest impact of any other extraneous force on my life. It kept me alive, it gave me an outlet for the anger and aggression that I couldn't find another way to express. It brought my amazing and beautiful wife to me. Even today, I have a fondness for it, and especially for some of the wrestlers who made me smile when I was so very far down.
The point of this is that a lot of bloggers lately have been discussing this, and I wanted to do the same. For another amazing post, I sugesst the Bloggess' treatise on her own issues with self harm. This second post, which deals with the feedback she got from the first brought a tear to my eye.
Lastly, just because it needs to be said, you are not alone. There are SO many people out there dealing with things a lot like you. And they feel just as lonely, and lost, and scared.
If you need help, ask for it. It only takes on step to start the healing process.
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no subject
Date: 2012-01-07 02:03 pm (UTC)My pediatrician (apparently) was more worried that I was a fatass than that I was suicidal, so I had no meds, no counseling.
Ugh, that's so messed up. I often think that at this point things have swung too far in the direction of pathologizing every child who doesn't fit into a particular mold of normal, but when we were kids they were definitely underdiagnosing everything. I think about myself--I did well in school and kept up a relatively perky exterior much of the time but I sat in my room writing suicide notes and seeing what I could get up the nerve to do and I wrote depressing and violent poems and read them to people all the time and medicated myself with food such that I gained 100 pounds over four years. My mother is a nurse. She was a psych nurse for several years of my early-mid childhood. But then again the only children she was exposed to during her psych nursing were extreme cases, frightening little sociopaths who were more dangerous than the grown-ups, so maybe that made it easier to see me as normal.
Anyway, I just want to say back at you that you're not alone and that you're loved.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-07 02:17 pm (UTC)I trained ju-jutsu for some time when I felt the most like harming myself, and getting punched and the bruises from wrestling and kicking bags until my shins and feet hurt were my outlet. (I'd like to add I was not good, but I had a pretty good time.)
And except for suggesting stuff you've probably heard loads of times before, I offer a cyber hug, because shit sucks.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-07 02:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-07 03:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-07 03:48 pm (UTC)*hugs you*
no subject
Date: 2012-01-07 06:36 pm (UTC)And for what it's worth I am glad you made this post, because it's not something that people talk about a lot, and I know that last year when I had my first real taste of depression intellectually I *knew* I wasn't the only one that it happened to, but all the same I felt like I was the only one, that I was this defective human and well, yeah spirals are shitty things.
So thank you, because you matter and your honesty and forthrightness mean that someone, anyone, could read this and know they aren't alone, that they aren't wrong, and that someone else understands.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2012-01-07 06:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-07 08:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-07 09:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-08 12:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-08 04:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-09 12:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-22 01:06 pm (UTC)My pediatrician (apparently) was more worried that I was a fatass than that I was suicidal, so I had no meds, no counseling.
There's nothing worse than a pediatrician who won't LISTEN to you, versus shoving whichever philosophy/bullshit they want to have dealt with on you. *HUGE HUGS AGAIN*