beanside | Shakespeare's Skum--The Meta Version

Title: Shakespeare's Skum 3
Rating: R
Disclaimer: This is so fiction, not to mention proof of my insanity. I don't know any of these people, and no offense is intended.
Notes: This is loosely based off "La Vie Boheme," from Rent. As always, thanks to Nix and Cari for the cheerleading.

The muses wander around an odd set that includes one long table,with chairs along the back of it, along with other various bits of junk. They all look confused, except for the NSync musi. Joey simply nods. "This is the set up for "La Vie Boheme."

A pile of scripts fall onto the table, and they descend, scooping up and scanning the pages.

"Shakespeare Skum, the Meta Version?" Casper says doubtfully. "What's that?"

"Give me that!" Sean growls, eyes going amber. "Oh god, not another one! At least I'm not wearing a dress in this one."

"No, but I am," Danny bitches. "I can't walk in heels!"

The Ulfric leers at him, and he blushes and stomps away.

"Okay, let's get it together, people. We can do this," Joey mutters. "Cornell, you want to give us the lead in?"

The weirdly dyed blonde nods and takes a deep breath.

CORNELL
You know I'm surprised
That bright and charming muses like you
Hold out hope for good smut
(Instead of a MarySue)
You keep looking for angst, yet they get fill in the blank
Instead of characterization
Oh, don't you really want a long story
Where a thinly veiled author insert turns you into a sap?
Good slash, Good Slash, it's
A fallacy in your head
This is MarySue Land
Good Slash is dead

JOEY:
Dearly beloved we gather here to say our goodbyes

JOEY:
Here it lies
No one knew it's name
Though some say it once was a slasher's brain.
Long before she went too insane
From writing too many NSync fics
We raise our glass -- you bet your ass to --
Writing good slash

ALL
Writing good slash
Writing good slash
Writing good slash
Writing good slash

JOEY:
To days of masturbation,
Cursing muses, wishing someone would get fucking
The cheap plot twists --
So original,
To fighting against the twinks,
Hurting your brain,
Going mad

To sexual tension, no mention
Characters with three dimensions,
To starving for attention,
Bucking convention, hating pretension
Not to mention of course,
Hating all the big name fans!

To fucking the town bike
Midway between the goals
To soul--giving dice a roll --
To plot what plots -- so nice --
To Angelos and Spike --
To epics that never end!

ALL
Writing good slash
Writing good slash

CALICO:
Are the handcuffs on the bed?

STEPHANIE
They are, Calico

CALICO:
The sheets are gonna get stained
Don't look at me that way!

(CALICO: smacks STEPHANIE's ass as she exits. HBK reacts.)

HBK
Ahhemm

CALICO:
Hey mister, it's for my sister.

LANCE
So that's five spanking scenes, four sets of handcuffs
Three black riding crops, two velvet blindfolds
And one leather cockring/ball spreader

VEDDER
Ow?

ULFRIC
It's not so bad.

KIRK:
If you like pain

LANCE
And a bottle of bleach for your brains
Is that it here?

ALL
Wine and beer!

KIRK: & DANNY:
To hand jobs in way public places so wild
To yoga, to KY, to Slick and Wet and 'Glide
To leather, to dildos, to love we have to hide
To saddling your partner and going for a ride.

CALICO: & ULFRIC
Emotion, devotion, to looking for the lotion
Creation, vacation

JOEY:
Mucho masturbation

CALICO: & ULFRIC
Compassion, to fashion, to passion when it's new

ULFRIC
To blowjobs

DANNY:
To handjobs

FOUR PEOPLE
To anything taboo

ULFRIC & JAMES:
Good Vibes, Latex, Silicone and lace

ULFRIC
Dr. Ruth

JAMES:
Getting a clue

CALICO:
Toys with a face!

PERSON #1
To Dolphins!

PERSON #2
To bunnies!

PERSON #3
Eager beavers, too

JOEY: & KIRK:
Every day we celebrate the rainbow
By giving our guys smut!

ALL
Writing good slash

(STEPHANIE returns.)

CALICO:
And wipe the dildos off before you use

STEPHANIE
Yes, Calico:

CALICO:
Well -- hurry back

(CALICO: and STEPHANIE kiss.)

HBK
Sisters?

CALICO:
We're close

(DANNY jumps on top of ULFRIC, who's on the table. They kiss.)

DANNY ULFRIC, CALICO, JOEY, MR. GREY
Brothers!

JOEY, DANNY, KIRK & THREE OTHERS
Bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens,
Three way fun, some nice tight buns, men, Pee Wee Herman
hLots of wine, satin's finer, some nice eyleliner.
Jola JoC, Shippers of all kinds, of all pairings
Clark and Lex, girls? Who wants 'em.

ALL
To apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstasy
The bands--slashy! -- Metallica, love our Backstree!
To NSync -- Always piling up, puppies in heat.

ULFRIC
To Shane O'Mac!

ALL
To sodomy,
It's between God and me
To S & M

(HBK walks out.)

CORNELL
Waiter...Waiter...Waiter

ALL
Writing good slash.

The End.

Well, that was bizarre. I'll be expecting the men in white coats to show up soon.