Weight-related Rant ahead.

[beanside]

Be warned, and don't read if you don't want to hear it.

It's kind of funny that poisontaster posted about fandom safe space earlier.

Cause here I am, triggered to all hell, and fighting with myself not to do something phenomenally stupid.

I clicked on some artwork of chubby Jensen, and it was cute. Hey, chubby Jensen was getting love! Awesome! This must be a big bang about chubby Jensen learning to love himself!

Ah. No. A half page of Jensen's family sending him exercise gear (Cause fatties don't exercise, see!), he decides to jog, and ends up passing out (because we all know fatties are going to die of heart disease, right?) and wakes in the hospital. Then, he feels like he should apologize to the orderlies who have to transfer his fat ass to another bed. (it takes THREE! Because, he's a fatty, got it?) That's about when I stopped and had to go in another room and not cry. Oh wait, no, the fatty got sent to fat camp. Where Jared will teach him to be skinny and not to eat everything in sight, and maybe to get off his fat ass. And at the end, when he's had "dramatic" weight loss, and run a marathon (seriously how many skinny people can do that?) then, he gets the sexin with Jared.

Y'know what, fuck that. If that's your thing, cool. But I don't need to read 40k words of hate. Whether that was what the author intended, that's what I see.

I'm fat. I'm very fat. I'm what they call a "death fattie." As in, OMG if you don't lose weight you're gonna die right now!!!!! Obesityheartattackdiabetes, deeeeaaaattthhh.

Y'know who's going to die first? The people who are out there yo-yo dieting because they hate their fat. Why are they yo-yoing? Because all denying yourself calories does is reset your body so that when you gain it back (and you will--results not typical, right) you gain more, and it's harder to take off. If you're fat, and you work out, you're less likely to die than someone who yo-yos.

But...the American Obesity Association says...wait? Who is on the board of the AOA? Weight Watchers? Jenny Craig? The Board of Bariatric Surgeons? Wow. They have a lot to gain by keeping people yo-yoing, don't they?

People. I've got bad news for you. I, in all my 300 pound glory, eat about the same as a skinny person. I get lunch sized portions, and have it for dinner, too. I don't eat a ton of candy, though I don't deny myself it, either. I eat what my body says it wants. And when it's full, I stop.

I'm sick of feeling like I should apologize for living. I'm sick of feeling judged every time I order dessert, or say "Yes, you better fucking well put whipped cream on my frappicino." Fuck it. I will wear sexy clothes if I want. If you don't like it, tough. I will go out in public and I will order what I damned well want. I will not let someone make me feel like less of a person because I'm wearing a tank top, and happy. I'm sorry if you're miserable. I'm not.

I have a wife who loves me (god bless lesbians, btw. a better community of fatty chasers is hard to find) I have a business starting that will make me happy, and hopefully provide for me and my wife. I don't have time for hate.

I am a child of the Morrigan, and I do not suffer fools.

I am a child of the Goddess, and She made me in Her image.

I am a child of the God, and He didn't go for a skinny chick. (I mean, look at the Venus of Wilendorf!!) (which is not to say that he didn't like the skinny chicks, too...my God isn't picky, he just likes the ladies)

I am me, and I am enough.

Comments

[surevesta.livejournal.com]

I've read all the bigbangs so far- I have an odd goal to read all of them and I did enjoy that fic. I do see where it raises some issues and I didn't agree with some of it either. There were parts in there that I would find insulting too...

that and losing that amount of weight wouldn't cure all the health problems that had been developed... and would likely require some surgery due to the amount of weight lost as there would be 'excess' skin.

however:

The author, I believe, did *try* to excuse any insults by mentioning that it would not work for all people when she had the doctor talking to Jensen. There was a quick discussion on genetics and obesity and blah blah blah. She also had the doctor mention that Jensen did eat huge servings- not regular lunch sized portions. There was also how the author described Jensen as a layabout with his work from home type job (which doesn't really necessarily mean layabout to me... but I guess that's what the character was basically described as.... only eating+sitting around all day).

Again I'm not trying to say the fic was a-ok... I completely understand why you wouldn't read it. There are fics I won't read because the topic brings back memories of something that happened to one of my friends in High School.

I don't think the author was trying to do anything more than recreate something akin to 'the biggest loser' in a way. I think she could have done a better job.

I thought the story was an enjoyable read but could have been researched better in some areas because even with died+exercise there would be more to it than what the author wrote. It wasn't very realistic in many manners.

Thank you for posting this. Your explanation was clear and well written and it was good to hear a POV that is so widely overlooked on this issue. *hugs*

[beanside.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[kyuuketsukirui.livejournal.com]

She also had the doctor mention that Jensen did eat huge servings- not regular lunch sized portions.

I think that's incredibly problematic precisely because that IS the way that all fat people are viewed. If only you ate less, you'd lose weight! Fat people are fat because they stuff their faces day and night. That's what our society tells us. (Oh yeah, and they don't exercise, too. But really, it's the stuffing their faces.)

So even if there is a disclaimer that not everyone is fat because they stuff their face, by writing a story in which a person is really overweight and in terrible health because they are lazy and overeat, that is reinforcing every bad stereotype about fat people.

[lomer.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that you're upset hon. And hey, I understand being upset. I get mildly miffed when people automatically ask for clarification when I ask for a coke, "a diet coke?" No, a coke. I know I'm well within range of what society deem a "good weight." It seems like many people are just diet obsessed and assume that you're either on a diet or SHOULD be on a diet, no matter what size you are.

Some people are just different shapes. In the summer camp where I work there's a six year old who probably weights 80 or 90 pounds. She's a tiny thing, she's just dense. I can't lift her. She runs around just as much as the other kids. She eats healthy choices. She's just a different shape then the beanpoles and thats okay. It doesn't make her a bad kid. It doesn't make her unlovable. She's not unhealthy. She's a-okay.

And I've run half marathons and there are people of all shapes and sizes out there. People have this mental image of who runs distances and in actuality you see a LOT of people over the age of 60. You see a lot of women. You see a lot of normal sized people. Not everyone looks like Sarah Connor out there. Half and whole marathons are about completing a goal and challenging yourself... not about being 98 pounds.

[beanside.livejournal.com]

*nod* It just really, really triggered things that I don't enjoy. But in the long run, it seemed to have helped a lot of people that I spoke up, so, y'know, I guess it's all good.

[khek.livejournal.com]

Wow. I'm glad I didn't see that story, wherever it is. And Bravo to you for what you've said. And said extremely well!

[beanside.livejournal.com]

It just really tweaked some shitty feelings. And the theme bothered me.

[tobemeagain.livejournal.com]

*cheers* That so needed to be said.
(Shit the neurontin kicked in with my night meds, I'm sorry, fuzzy here).
I'm not entirely sure what the author was aiming for, even the summary read oddly- someone has weight so they are shy/virgin? what does one have to do with the other at all.
But back to the important thing, you are completely right - God/Goddess doesn't love only one way or one type. There is not a difference in God's eyes, we are all loved for our individuality. *crosses fingers and really hopes she typed that straight enough it made sense*

*big hugs* YOU'RE EXTREMELY WELL LOVED!!!!

[beanside.livejournal.com]

*hugs back* Thank you!

[justsonya.livejournal.com]

You're beatiful, smart, caring, compassionate and insanely strong, inside and out. Anyone who says otherwise will deserve the ass-beating I give them for even daring to.

[beanside.livejournal.com]

Hee! Thank you, m'dear. It was just a fic that triggered some bad feelings. But I'm okay.

[annella.livejournal.com]

Thank you for putting in words just what it was about that fic that made me uncomfortable and inexplicably sad.

[beanside.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. I'm sorry it affected so many people, but I'm glad I could help.

[sparkymonster.livejournal.com]

You must check out this blog entry http://www.powells.com/blog/?p=7115 (it's by onceupon/www.therotund.com). There is a description of a OMG DEATH FAT HUGE PERSON used for mean comic effect that sounds a lot like what you describe as above.

[beanside.livejournal.com]

I LOVE that article!! (and Kate and Marianne as well!)

Thank you!

[katzb101.livejournal.com]

Go you. I looked at that fic and yeah not amused in the slightest. I have enough people (and a couple of so called friends *grrr*) giving me 'issues' about my size that I don't need the kind of shit rubbish from fandom.

Just yeah. Blah.

[beanside.livejournal.com]

Just not something I needed in my life. But honestly, this post has made it one of the most positive things to happen.

[eskimosatan.livejournal.com]

Good for you. Seriously. People that try and make other people feel bad about the way they look, are only trying to justify all the work they put into their own appearance. And I get it, I do. What's the point of spending hours at the gym, and counting calories, not to mention the money spent on supplements, if you can't be 'better' than everyone else. Except they aren't. They're sad, because even though you may be overweight, you love yourself and have someone that you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, loves you for who you are and that's more than they can say.

Love from me. You're a beautiful person, inside and out.

[beanside.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

(I just totally sporfled at your icon, btw--awesome!)

[ninasis.livejournal.com]

The problem I've always had with The Biggest Loser (besides the whole, "OMG, look at how FAT those people are!" pointing and humiliation and whatnot that the show is REALLY about, let's be honest) is that it's so extremely unhealthy. Losing hundreds of pounds in a few weeks puts such a tremendous strain on your body, and there is very little chance that you will actually keep that weight off. The fact that the fic is based on that show's premise turned me off as soon as I read the summary.

I'm currently nudging very damn close to 300 pounds. I'm also currently 12 weeks pregnant with my second child. While I was planning on losing some of the weight and getting in better shape before getting pregnant again, that's not what happened and I'm dealing with where I'm at right now. That said, I am very healthy - my blood pressure is smack-dab in "normal" range, my blood work is perfect, I'm eating healthy and taking care of myself. I'm lucky to have a doctor for this second pregnancy that is treating me the same as her other OB patients. My first OB was horrible, and only skated past a malpractice suit by the skin of her teeth, all because my being overweight caused me to be a second-class patient in her eyes.

I saw a couple of recs for the fic in question and kind of boggled that the SPN fandom is STILL jumping on the fat!Jensen bandwagon, even after all the shit that stirred up last year. No, I haven't read the story, and I have no desire to do so. Reading thru some of the comments left to the story made me very uncomfortable, to be honest. I don't need to be skinny to like myself. I have a great job, a wonderful husband who loves me and my body, an adorable son, and a baby on the way. Being 150 pounds lighter would not change anything about my life, other than I'd probably be miserable because I'd be starving myself in order to achieve and maintain that weight. Who the hell wants to live their lives like that?

Sure, I know plenty of overweight people who are miserable, but they would be miserable even if they were skinny. I know three people who opted for gastric bypass, lost a ton of weight, and put every single pound plus some back on. My priest lost 170 pounds three years ago thru extreme dieting and exercise, kept it off for a few months, threw out all his old fat clothes, got himself a new toupee and started talking about leaving the church and finding himself a man to settle down with. Slowly but surely the weight started creeping back on (Helpful tip, folks: alcohol is nothing but empty calories - you drink enough and you will start seeing it show up on your scale!) and before he knew it he was ten pounds heavier than he'd started out at, and still horribly unhappy with his life. Being skinny didn't solve his problems, it just made it very obvious to him how much he hated his life. It didn't give him the courage to make changes in order to try and find peace and happiness, it just made him realize what he really wanted, and made him even more depressed when he had to admit to himself that he was never going to do anything about it.

I can list just as many skinny friends/family members who are basket cases, regardless of the fact that they can stroll into any store they want and find something cute to wear. Being thin and "fitting in" in the eyes of society is all well and good, but if you don't like who you are, and aren't happy with yourself, it doesn't matter what dress size you wear.

Thank you for posting this - as one big girl to another, I think we're beautiful and perfect just the way we are. And obviously your wife and my husband do as well, which is all that matters in the end. Anyone else can suck my toe! ♥

[beanside.livejournal.com]

*hug* I'm glad your hubby sees how beautiful you are! Congrats on the second baby (and finding an OB who doesn't suck ass!)

[denyce.livejournal.com]

*Waves* -deep breath- I haven't read the story, but can honestly say I'm emotionally conflicted--why? The honest fact is the summary; in a way has always been an old fantasy. To loose the weight, the ugliness to find love, wealth, and happiness—like winning the lotto. Yay, I'm that fucked up!

Whether it was the abuse, society/family, etc, I DO, have issues with my weight!

It's taken me a long time, but I now know from way back I purposely gained weight to keep people away from me (people meaning men). I'm a sad static. After I was molested, I discovered food 1- it made me feel better because no one was listening to me anyways 2- in my world view from the people (my family) anyone outside of a Marcia/Jan Brady thin body was for the most part considered unattractive/ugly--somewhere in me went: ding, ding, ding, fat = ugly, then maybe they (meaning men) wouldn't come near or touch me--yay!

As I got older, especially in my teens/twenties it progressed into a battling duel, of secretly (and most of that was on a subconscious level) eating to maintain the weight/add more out of protection/fear to keep men/boys at a distance... to finding acceptance with friends/family by going on diets/talk about losing weight. That even if I blew a diet, I'd restart. Finding solace with those fighting the bulge etc...

Right now, I'm 5'1 @ 211, with no medical insurance, no job security, and limited options. I clean houses for a living, and its physically demanding. My legs/knees/back, everything aches all the time! What I originally was capable of doing within fours hours now takes me five (& I lose money because I don't/can't charge for the extra time it takes me because nothings change other than I'm older, heavier, and slower--or I could charge 'em, but run a heavy risk that they'll just cancel my services outright, and hire the twenty year who'd charge less. As it is I've lost several jobs due to the economy, and the bills continue to come in.) Anyhoo, I recently joined a gym (as in less than 2 weeks in), not to lose weight, well maybe a few pounds, but my main goal is to gain strength (especially in my knees and lower back), flexibility, and endurance to maintain my job, and dear I say--to regain a few jobs that I lost.

But even if I won the lotto, I know I'd still have issues with weight--my weight, with feeling good within my own skin, with looking at the person I see in the mirror.

I'm just now; starting to forgive that 8 year old... my weight is tied with SO many issues!

So, yes I'm conflicted about the story even without reading it, because I'm conflicted within myself, of who I see in the mirror. But I’m also happy for you and the others here who expressed themselves- who love/accept themselves at any size. At the moment I'm honestly feeling a bit envious…

because I’m not there—not at all.

That makes you a Goddess in my eyes and a lovely role model :)

[beanside.livejournal.com]

*gentle hug* I'm sorry you're having a tough time of it. I fully sympathize with you on the no health insurance. I spent 15 years under employed with no insurance. Indeed, if the state hadn't decided to allow same sex benefits, I'd be fucked now that I 'm unemployed. If your gym has water yoga, it's an awesome place to start. *nod* There's a book/video called MegaYoga which is just for people of size, that's also a great place to start on flexibility.

Thank you! And guess what? You're in Her image too. *grin*

[deadbeat-nymph.livejournal.com]

Hi there. I'm here via a post from someone on my flist who feels as you do.

When I saw the fic in question, I had mixed feelings about it. I haven't read it, and I don't know if I will - I am kind of curious about it now that I've read some reactions. However, I'm glad to hear more about it, because I wasn't sure how it would go...

To be honest, I was/am a fan of the JubJubFest. However, for me, it was never out of sense of criticizing anyone, or mocking, or whatever. It was just that the mental image of a chubbier Jensen was hot. I imagined him with a squishy belly that I could bury my face into and omg so hawt!

I was hoping that this fic would have SuperBuffJared all ga-ga over a chubby Jensen, swooning for him, all *grabby hands*. Apparently, that's not at all what happens in this fic, and that makes me sad, because that would have been an awesome fic, in my opinion.

[beanside.livejournal.com]

*nod* Thank you!

Indeed, I agree that Jensen with a few extra pounds would be the most adorable thing ever. Except maybe JDM's love handles. *grin*

[livrelibre.livejournal.com]

You are indeed awesome and it sucks that anything has made you feel less so, including that story. I'd read and liked it but tend to be less aware about weight-related issues so thanks for sharing this.

[lazar-grrl.livejournal.com]

People can find thin just as ugly as fat. Ref. the friend of one of my sisters (my beautiful, curvy, athletic sisters) who loudly asked her if I was anorexic. The people who joke about me falling down the drain, talk about fattening me up. The nastier comments about eating disorders and heroin chic. Like I didn't hate myself for looking like a skinny boy for fifteen years.

[poisontaster]

While I think it's true that people of any size can suffer from appearance discrimination, I don't know that this is the venue to discuss that. It's not a question of who is discriminated against more or a hierarchy of suffering; beanside was starting a conversation specifically about her issues and triggers. Perhaps you could start a similar conversation in your own journal for the kinds of discrimination you've suffered?

[caarirose.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I do love you

[beanside.livejournal.com]

I love you, too! And I miss you!!!

*snuggle* What night would be good for me to stay up to chat with you? I need to think about bringing my computer when I wake up at 4:30 like I did this morning!

[sorcha-r.livejournal.com]

AMEN. People need to mind their own goddamn business. It doesn't matter why someone's fat, it's not up to some random stranger to judge them.

And if I hear one more skinny person chime in about how they're oppressed too...FUCK YOU. You don't have to pay $5 more for a top that uses maybe a quarter of a yard more material than the "standard" sizes, IF it's available at all. Someone occasionally snarking at you about being anorexic =/= the kind of shit fat people put up with from strangers and loved ones alike on a daily basis.

Ahem. Sorry. Soapbox.

[smirkalot-89.livejournal.com]

Srsly, same kinda tops have jacked up prices. To actually get something that fits well and look fashionable, I have to go to like Torrid or Avenue... so pricy.

[nalmissra.livejournal.com]

delurking for a belated comment - as for the "skinny chick"

In my opinion (and experience) there is also a nasty stereotype at the other end of the spectrum - that thin equals healthy.

And yet, perhaps because it is such a dangerously popular stereotype, many think the skinny chick (which nowadays moved past thin towards starved) the "beautiful" look for a woman, and therefore healthy. Which is often blatantly false.

[smirkalot-89.livejournal.com]

We've never spoken before but all the wank has directed me here. And I must say that you are my hero. I don't know if the author meant it the way that I took it, but I took it that way.

Thanks hun, you're a sweetheart!

[luthorchickv2.livejournal.com]

I'm a lurker de-lurking. I had the same reaction to this fic and want to thank you for expressing yourself so nicely. it was nice to see that I wasn't the only one who felt this way.