Weight-related Rant ahead.

[beanside]

Be warned, and don't read if you don't want to hear it.

It's kind of funny that poisontaster posted about fandom safe space earlier.

Cause here I am, triggered to all hell, and fighting with myself not to do something phenomenally stupid.

I clicked on some artwork of chubby Jensen, and it was cute. Hey, chubby Jensen was getting love! Awesome! This must be a big bang about chubby Jensen learning to love himself!

Ah. No. A half page of Jensen's family sending him exercise gear (Cause fatties don't exercise, see!), he decides to jog, and ends up passing out (because we all know fatties are going to die of heart disease, right?) and wakes in the hospital. Then, he feels like he should apologize to the orderlies who have to transfer his fat ass to another bed. (it takes THREE! Because, he's a fatty, got it?) That's about when I stopped and had to go in another room and not cry. Oh wait, no, the fatty got sent to fat camp. Where Jared will teach him to be skinny and not to eat everything in sight, and maybe to get off his fat ass. And at the end, when he's had "dramatic" weight loss, and run a marathon (seriously how many skinny people can do that?) then, he gets the sexin with Jared.

Y'know what, fuck that. If that's your thing, cool. But I don't need to read 40k words of hate. Whether that was what the author intended, that's what I see.

I'm fat. I'm very fat. I'm what they call a "death fattie." As in, OMG if you don't lose weight you're gonna die right now!!!!! Obesityheartattackdiabetes, deeeeaaaattthhh.

Y'know who's going to die first? The people who are out there yo-yo dieting because they hate their fat. Why are they yo-yoing? Because all denying yourself calories does is reset your body so that when you gain it back (and you will--results not typical, right) you gain more, and it's harder to take off. If you're fat, and you work out, you're less likely to die than someone who yo-yos.

But...the American Obesity Association says...wait? Who is on the board of the AOA? Weight Watchers? Jenny Craig? The Board of Bariatric Surgeons? Wow. They have a lot to gain by keeping people yo-yoing, don't they?

People. I've got bad news for you. I, in all my 300 pound glory, eat about the same as a skinny person. I get lunch sized portions, and have it for dinner, too. I don't eat a ton of candy, though I don't deny myself it, either. I eat what my body says it wants. And when it's full, I stop.

I'm sick of feeling like I should apologize for living. I'm sick of feeling judged every time I order dessert, or say "Yes, you better fucking well put whipped cream on my frappicino." Fuck it. I will wear sexy clothes if I want. If you don't like it, tough. I will go out in public and I will order what I damned well want. I will not let someone make me feel like less of a person because I'm wearing a tank top, and happy. I'm sorry if you're miserable. I'm not.

I have a wife who loves me (god bless lesbians, btw. a better community of fatty chasers is hard to find) I have a business starting that will make me happy, and hopefully provide for me and my wife. I don't have time for hate.

I am a child of the Morrigan, and I do not suffer fools.

I am a child of the Goddess, and She made me in Her image.

I am a child of the God, and He didn't go for a skinny chick. (I mean, look at the Venus of Wilendorf!!) (which is not to say that he didn't like the skinny chicks, too...my God isn't picky, he just likes the ladies)

I am me, and I am enough.

Comments

[denyce.livejournal.com]

*Waves* -deep breath- I haven't read the story, but can honestly say I'm emotionally conflicted--why? The honest fact is the summary; in a way has always been an old fantasy. To loose the weight, the ugliness to find love, wealth, and happiness—like winning the lotto. Yay, I'm that fucked up!

Whether it was the abuse, society/family, etc, I DO, have issues with my weight!

It's taken me a long time, but I now know from way back I purposely gained weight to keep people away from me (people meaning men). I'm a sad static. After I was molested, I discovered food 1- it made me feel better because no one was listening to me anyways 2- in my world view from the people (my family) anyone outside of a Marcia/Jan Brady thin body was for the most part considered unattractive/ugly--somewhere in me went: ding, ding, ding, fat = ugly, then maybe they (meaning men) wouldn't come near or touch me--yay!

As I got older, especially in my teens/twenties it progressed into a battling duel, of secretly (and most of that was on a subconscious level) eating to maintain the weight/add more out of protection/fear to keep men/boys at a distance... to finding acceptance with friends/family by going on diets/talk about losing weight. That even if I blew a diet, I'd restart. Finding solace with those fighting the bulge etc...

Right now, I'm 5'1 @ 211, with no medical insurance, no job security, and limited options. I clean houses for a living, and its physically demanding. My legs/knees/back, everything aches all the time! What I originally was capable of doing within fours hours now takes me five (& I lose money because I don't/can't charge for the extra time it takes me because nothings change other than I'm older, heavier, and slower--or I could charge 'em, but run a heavy risk that they'll just cancel my services outright, and hire the twenty year who'd charge less. As it is I've lost several jobs due to the economy, and the bills continue to come in.) Anyhoo, I recently joined a gym (as in less than 2 weeks in), not to lose weight, well maybe a few pounds, but my main goal is to gain strength (especially in my knees and lower back), flexibility, and endurance to maintain my job, and dear I say--to regain a few jobs that I lost.

But even if I won the lotto, I know I'd still have issues with weight--my weight, with feeling good within my own skin, with looking at the person I see in the mirror.

I'm just now; starting to forgive that 8 year old... my weight is tied with SO many issues!

So, yes I'm conflicted about the story even without reading it, because I'm conflicted within myself, of who I see in the mirror. But I’m also happy for you and the others here who expressed themselves- who love/accept themselves at any size. At the moment I'm honestly feeling a bit envious…

because I’m not there—not at all.

That makes you a Goddess in my eyes and a lovely role model :)

[beanside.livejournal.com]

*gentle hug* I'm sorry you're having a tough time of it. I fully sympathize with you on the no health insurance. I spent 15 years under employed with no insurance. Indeed, if the state hadn't decided to allow same sex benefits, I'd be fucked now that I 'm unemployed. If your gym has water yoga, it's an awesome place to start. *nod* There's a book/video called MegaYoga which is just for people of size, that's also a great place to start on flexibility.

Thank you! And guess what? You're in Her image too. *grin*