Fic: Fallen Again

[beanside]

Sorry for the long delay in getting this one out. I've been battling a cold which is now turning into sinus/bronchitis/pneumonia, and haven't been much for concentration.

Title: Fallen Again
Rating: R
Authors: beanside and nilchance
Disclaimer: Not ours, never happened.
ETA: Because, see above, no concentration. Thank you to the lovely and talented topaz119 for the always awesome beta.



They met after work, like Kane had requested. Work was oddly familiar, following the echoes of the Agency: it went on as long as it needed to, until the barracks was still around them and the world outside their narrow windows was pitch-black. As night crept in, a small knot of dread tightened in Jared's chest, because Kane was being too goddamn quiet.

Finally, all the work that needed doing was done. Jared plodded back to their quarters. He checked on Jeff and found him on the phone, pressing the heel of his hand hard into his forehead as he talked to someone about shares and silos. Jared rubbed his shoulders and got a pale grin; Jeff scribbled on a notepad, 'it'll be another hour'.

Jared rubbed the back of Jeff's neck and found it iron-tight. Kane promised that the work would die down soon, that it was a promising sign. Still, Jared was getting goddamn tired of scraping his husband off the desk every night. It had taken hours for the imprint of the keyboard to fade off Jeff's face last time.

With a last kiss on the top of Jeff's head, Jared went to find Jensen. It turned out that he only had to follow the loud voices on the television.

The living room was dark, lit by flashes of light from the TV. Jensen and Kane were shoved together on the couch. There was a bottle in Kane's hand, a moody danger around him that Jared recognized from the aftermath of Agency funerals. The TV gave a good view of hell, a black and white image of old newsreels. There was some anniversary of Deathknell and the networks flogged the footage, warning people never to forget. The people who had lived through it never could, and the ones who hadn't would never understand what they'd lost before birth.

Jensen gave Jared a sidelong look, a silent warning. Jared made sure his footfalls were heavy as he walked up behind the couch. He laid a hand on Jensen, gripped his shoulder, and said lightly, "Hey, Kane." It was what Jeff would do--what Jeff had done on those funeral nights--to get Kane away from the tequila and into his loft to talk into the small hours of the night.

Kane glanced at him, then nodded and put the bottle down. On screen, the vision changed to some old movie Jared didn't know. "Jen," Kane said, his voice like miles of bad road, "go and let Bisou out, huh?"

Jensen gave Kane a hard look, then haltingly patted his shoulder. "I'll be back," he warned, and left the room. Jared heard him bang around the kitchen. Kane looked after him, smiled a brittle smile.


The fact that Kane, badass extraordinare, had to be drunk to talk about Morgan was a sign: Jared wasn't about to hear anything that would make him like the woman.

"So. Morgan," Jared said, a little uncertainly, settling onto the sofa across from Kane.

"Morgan," Kane agreed. Muting the television, Kane leaned forward and fixed his eyes on Jared. "First thing you need to know about Morgan is that she was pragmatic. In the end, the person she cared most about on this earth was Jeff. Which is not to say that she didn't care for us. She did. But she'd have slit all three of our throats in a heartbeat if it would assure Jeff's safety. And I don't blame her for that."

Don't you? Jared knew enough not to ask. "Well, he was her grandson, so I guess-"

"Oh, she loved him. But more than that, she loved her country. She spent her whole life in public service. A small-town mayor, a senator, then as the first lady. It was her life." Judging from the tightness around Kane's mouth, he saw the irony. He recited, "'Jeff is the United States' last hope to return to democracy.' Don't know how many times I heard that. Until she knew I believed it."

Something gray and bleak clutched Jared's heart. "Eventually, someone would take over-"

"Who? Chancellor's younger than Jeff's grandfather. He can easily hold out another ten, maybe twenty years. If he dies before his child is of age, Bentley takes over. He's fifty-six, so that's an additional thirty, forty years. Bentley'll raise the kid to be just like Chancellor."

"Maybe," Jared said. "But if the kid fights or the mother steps in-"

"Chancellor's no fool. He'll break the mother before he ever fucks her. At the least, he'll hand her over to Bentley to drug and brainwash."

Jared looked towards the kitchen, where Jensen was slamming oven doors, then back at Kane. "We both know Bentley can't control everyone."

"It'll just make him more careful next time." Kane followed Jared's gaze, a terrible aching look on his face, then shook himself. "He won't be betrayed again. He'll make goddamn sure of that. Watch the mother for lobotomy scars. Anyway, America still has most of the nukes, so no other country is gonna fuck with 'em. I've heard that bullshit from the UN so many goddamn times-"

"Chris," Jared said sharply, and Kane shut up, eyes twitching up to Jared's face. Gentling a little, Jared said, "Stop talking like I'm a new recruit. I know all this. I was an agent, remember? You're telling me about Morgan."

"I know that," Kane snapped.

"Then tell me. If I wanted to read a briefing-"

"Jesus, what do you want me to say? She was a cold hearted bitch who considered everyone, including Jeff, pawns on an international chessboard? She was, and she did. But she was kind sometimes. She taught me to read, she gave me food. Real food. Not the scraps that were left. She taught me to spy. She trained me to whore and to kill. And when I got too old for her clients to fuck, she kicked me out of her home and away from the only woman I've ever loved. She kicked me out, and Jensen suffered for it. My girl died for it. Is that what you wanted to know?"

It was the rawest thing Kane had ever said to him. Jared sat back, chewing it over, then said, "Why do you still follow her?"

"Because she was right. Jeff is the best hope for the world. So, the Cult of Morgan Coulson goes on." Christian's smile was more of a grimace. "I think we're done here."

"No," Jared said. "Did you love her?"

"That's not relevant."

"Bullshit. That's the only thing that's relevant. Do you follow her because you loved her, or because you love Jeff?" For a heartbeat, when Kane paled, Jared felt like the biggest douchebag on the planet. Then Kane's jaw set mulishly, and Jared fought the urge to duck and cover.

"Fuck you, Padalecki." Christian came to his feet in an explosive rush. "I'm not after your husband's ass, and really, that's all you've got the right to know." Face still pale, he turned and stalked out of the room.

Jared sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "That went well."

"He did," Jensen said from the doorway.

Jared started, looking up. "What?"

"Love Morgan. You had to. She was that kind of person. Magnetic. She could have been president instead of her husband. Probably should have been. She wouldn't have died."

"She died later," Jared pointed out, as gently as such things could be said.

"At my hands. Figured that she'd want to make the thing that killed her." Jensen slouched against the doorframe, looking distant, then sighed. "I hated her."

"Good."

The ghost of a smile touched Jensen's lips. "That's what she said. I loved her, too. I had never... she taught me to read. To cook. Gave me food and medical care. Made me a weapon instead of a victim."

"She whored you."

"I've been a whore since I was four. At least with her, I was a well-treated whore."

Jared winced, struck with a too vivid image of what would happen to a child in slavery. "You're not a whore, Jensen. That was what they made you do, not who you are."

"Then who am I?" Jensen asked, an edge to the words. "Twenty years of spreading my legs. I can't just turn it off-"

Jensen stopped, and an awful silence fell. Shifting to make room on the couch, Jared held out his hand. "C'mere."

Darting a glance at his face, Jensen gave Jared the sweet, fake smile. The 'I'm okay' smile, a lie stretched paper-thin over a deep wound. "No, it's-"

"I know it's okay. Now, sit." When Jensen warily perched on the edge of the seat, Jared leaned into him a little. Enough that they touched. When he pulled back, Jensen came with him, drawn by the warmth and human comfort they were denied as slaves.

Once Jensen settled, their arms pressed together, Jared pulled out his latest project. It was a hat and scarf set in a gorgeous soft burgundy yarn, flecked with bits of gold and green. They were meant for Jensen, not that Jen knew, the colors rich against his skin and bringing out his eyes. Jensen relaxed as the needles clicked against each other, and Jared smiled.

"You know, it's okay to not know who you are. Part of rehab is figuring it out. All I knew when Jeff freed me was that I wasn't the same Jared I'd been."

"Who were you?" Jensen asked like he expected to need an exorcist.

"Hmm... I learned that I was stronger than I thought. That I was angry. God, I'm still angry. That I could be gentle. That I could be brutal. Cruel." Jared remembered the color bleeding from Kane's face. "That I could love. That I was smarter than I thought. I learned to be a new kind of Jared."

"Do you-" Jensen fell silent.

"Yeah. I think you'll find a new kind of Jensen," Jared assured him, praying that he wasn't lying.

Jensen bumped his head against Jared's arm and left it there. As Jensen's breathing slowed and deepened, eyes falling slowly closed, Jared found his thoughts going back to Kane.

After all the times Jared had vented at Kane during rehab, when he'd called Chris everything from a manipulative sadist to a murderer sending ex-slaves on suicide missions, Kane had never flinched.

But tonight, Kane had looked like he was seeing a ghost.

It wasn't like Jared didn't already know Kane was Jeff's first love. He wasn't naive enough to think otherwise. If Kane hadn't been such a stiff-necked son of a bitch and decided that "Jeff deserved better," they'd still be together. But he had walked away, and so Jared had Jeff.

But he knew there were parts of Jeff that would always belong to Christian. And now, Jared knew for sure that it went both ways. It should have bothered him. Instead, he felt ashamed for letting his temper get the better of him. Again. He should know by now.

Jensen shifted with a murmur, curing up on himself as Jared slowly came to his feet.

The halls were mostly deserted, save for their cadre of bodyguards. Jared nodded to Carlson and Sam Ferris as he passed, heading for Kane's quarters.

Kane was sitting on the edge of the bed, contemplating the knife he was running along the whetstone. He didn't bother to glance up when Jared walked in. "What?"

Jared sorted through several options, and finally settled on the most honest one. "I'm sorry."

The grunt that got him wasn't exactly encouraging, but it wasn't a knife in the gut, so Jared pressed on.

"I should know better by now. But I guess not. You didn't deserve that. And I apologize. I know you and Jeff had something special. And I'm okay with that. Sometimes, I still forget to fight like a human instead of a slave."

Kane glanced up. "It's no big deal, Jare."

"Yeah, it is." Jared took a quick breath. "You know Jeff still loves you. He always will. And I know you wouldn't move on it. But if you did--I'd be okay with it."

Well, that got Kane's attention. His head snapped up, eyes focusing on Jared. "Pardon?"

"I'm just saying."

"Don't. You're married. And Jeff takes vows seriously. I wouldn't ask him to break one."

Jared nodded. "Okay." He hesitated for a second before glancing back at Chris. "We okay?"

"Yeah. We're okay." When Jared tugged the knife away, Christian sighed hard. "What? I--"

Kane made a protesting noise as Jared pulled him into a hug, but he relaxed into the grip. He was so much smaller than Jared had expected. Grudgingly, Kane said, "Don't think this is going to happen regularly."

"What? Heart to hearts and hugging? I kinda like it. The softer side of Kane."

"Fuck you."

"Awww, wuzzah."

Kane laughed and Jared relaxed a little, rumpling Chris' hair. Over Kane's shoulder, Jared saw Jeff leaning in the doorway, his eyes black and inscrutable. Jared wondered how much Jeff had heard. This was what Jeff had wanted to see for a long time, the two of them more friends than uneasy allies. Shame he'd had to wait to find it until after the world had gone to hell.

Jared smiled at his husband, so fond of them all that his heart might break.

Comments

[pcan.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love this. Hope you feel better!

[pcan.livejournal.com]

dude, first!! go me!

[coiledsoul.livejournal.com]

so, in conclusion, you've built an entire future verse of slavery and espionage and population crushing plagues just to get the 4 of them in bed together?


i really really love you guys.

[nilchance.livejournal.com]

We are motivated by the shiny.

[topaz119.livejournal.com]

I love you both. Just sayin'.

[wyoluvr.livejournal.com]

::lightbulb goes off::

omg! my love for this WIP has increased a thousandfold! i was worried that Kane would die horribly and Jensen, well, i wasn't too sure.

[atypia.livejournal.com]

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

Also - I hope you're feeling better soon hon :(

[kelly-girl.livejournal.com]

Am loving this. They're all so broken, but trying to be more and save the world. Or at least the US. What could be hotter?

Hope you feel better.

[embroiderama]

Aw, man, this is gorgeous. The image of Jensen leaning into Jared on the couch is lovely, and the last line--*heart clench*

I hope you feel better soon! *hugs*

[sea-yeah.livejournal.com]

I feel the same as Jensen - there's something comforting about sitting next to Jared while he's knitting. *leans*

[celestialseason.livejournal.com]

Oh how I love and missed this verse ;-)

Another amazing story. I'm glad we're learning more and more about Christian, and that he and Jared are moving forward in their relationship.

It's also nice to see Jensen continuing to find some sort of comfort with Jared and not just Kane.

I also wonder how long Jeff was listening at the door, and what his thoughts are on what he heard. We will find out at some point, yes?

What a perfect last line. Thanks for sharing, hope you feel better soon.

[yoonmintjulep]

Jensen and Chris totally break me in this fic. You have no idea how I secretly slash your Chris and Jensen. They're just so SHINEY though, and this fic is really the best thing I've read in a LONG TIME.

^_^ So thank you!

[ixchel55.livejournal.com]

Woah! I think I made a dolphin-pitched sound when I saw this. I've missed this 'verse! But I certainly know how the outside world can pressure you and how your body can betray you.

You know, the more you describe Morgan and let us see her from her slaves' POV, the more I want to stab her in the leg and then throw her on a bed and guard her until she's well again. *shampoo, rinse, repeat*

I love seeing the vulnerable side of Christian. I'm fully committed to the fact that he can be the consummate bad-ass, but I know the softness is there, too.

Kane made a protesting noise as Jared pulled him into a hug, but he relaxed into the grip. He was so much smaller than Jared had expected. Grudgingly, Kane said, "Don't think this is going to happen regularly."

I adored this. It needs to happen more often, even if they don't all wind up in bed together which, good god, I hope they do!

BTW, I also have a cat shaped entity living in my home. I don't have any stairs for Phouka to throw me down, and anyway, he's more into the psychological torment. Like giving me heart-attacks and frequent palpitations!

[tittakv.livejournal.com]

Great to see this story back! I enjoyed all the interactions here, and looking forward to more.

[aynslee.livejournal.com]

I love this world you've created SO much. Each of your boys is so complex, so complicated, and yet lovable at the same time.

I hope you feel better. :D

[acidquill.livejournal.com]

*is dead* But I don't mind at all. It was fucking painful to see so much of Chris, but it was a good pain. & Jared. Oh Jared. The thought of him knitting makes me incredibly giddy.


I hope you feel better soon darlin. *glares at cold from hell*

[eponin10.livejournal.com]

You wrote more! Yay!

And *hugs* Feel better soon.

[frightened.livejournal.com]

Eeeewooooyay! Scrolling down with my hand up and my eyes half-closed... now to read!

[bathsweaver.livejournal.com]

Oh, joy. I have missed this verse so!

Thank you!

[deathangelgw.livejournal.com]

ok DUDE these chapters AREN'T FREAKIN' LONG ENOUGH!!!!!!!!! Just...awesome and...I want more and more and more!!

[mkay9.livejournal.com]

Yay – more deathknell!! Loved the hugging moment and Jeff watching from the door.

[lomer.livejournal.com]

Yay more Deathknell! I loved this chapter. Thanks for writing!

[emmybuns696.livejournal.com]

Wheeeeeee! More Deathknell! (I can't remember if I ever commented about this piece, I discovered it after you posted the previous chapter.)

So yeah, this pretty much made my night. I have to say, I'm surprised at how much I like Jared acknowledging the relationship that Jeff and Chris have--one that he can never really have with Jeff. Yeah, they're married and together forever, yadda yadda yadda, but Chris and Jeff have this kind of...connection, and I think it's actually very cool of Jared to accept that his husband is partially in love with someone else. Polyamorous relationships anyone?

I also love Jeff in his tired-politician mode. Very reminiscent of my stint as the head organizer of my school's Model UN conference my senior year of high school. Except, y'know, Jeff had to deal with a whole country, while I just had to deal with whiny high-schoolers and bitchy caterers who refused to return my calls...

[shotofjack.livejournal.com]

Nothing is better than a day with new Death!Knell. Just love this fic. Great Jared voice in this chapter.

=More soon please, please!

[rivers-bend.livejournal.com]

This continues to be enthralling and makes me want to hug them all and make the bad things go away. And yet... I want to see them dealing with the bad too. Gorgeous writing.

[realpestilence.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear you're sick. Got the bronchitis myself right now, so I'm feelin' for ya. *hacks mournfully* Hope you're better soon, but this damn stuff *lingers*, doesn't it?

This is another good chapter. I like how they're all forming bonds with each other that are independent of the others. I'm past the point of just wanting Jeff & Jared to sweep Jensen into bed because the plot you've got going is actually worth the time taken to get there-patience having its rewards and all that. *smiles* And the writing is as rich as always.

Morgan reminds me of Eleanor of Aquitaine or Elizabeth I, that kind of archtypical figure. Love her, hate her-sometimes both-but always know she's sincerely doing everything for the best reasons, even when it's the coldest damn thing you ever saw; she had to make the hard decisions that a field-commander has to, without knowing if they'd ever pay off or be accepted & understood as more than just game-playing or power tripss. The fact that she was also genuinely as kind as she could afford to be underneath the constant strategizing and planning shows her human side-it wasn't necessary for her to teach the kids to read, personally. I'm sure it made what she had to do harder in many ways, because as much as things like that helped make her more approachable for her slaves, it would also make them more real to *her*. And still, she had to use them.

Morgan's an easy character for people who didn't know her to judge, but I can see why she inspires loyalty & mixed emotions in those who did.



Pesti

[livsnddark.livejournal.com]

Oh baby I hope that clears up ASAP!
*Sends get well vibes*

I love this verse! This update had me squeeing out loud! I love learning more about Kane, and Jensen just owns my soul! Love it. Love them all!
*Giant get well hugs*
You two rock!

[elektrik-storm.livejournal.com]

yay update! aw jared is too adorable for words!!!!

[wilwarin1.livejournal.com]

Oh, Jared knitting...Just too adorkable for words, especially with Jensen leaning against him.

The heart-to-heart with Chris hurt (just so you know, Jared!), but the making up part more than...well...made up for it.

And Morgan...is it wrong of me to say that she reminds me a little of John? *hides*

Get well soon! I've just gone through the flu myself and it SUCKS. To have it become something even worse is just wrong.

[coolwhipdiva.livejournal.com]

And the relationships get more faceted and complex (and even hotter). This is so warped and twisted and good.

[silentflux]

Sweet! Nothing's better than opening up my f-list and seeing this WIP updated! You two rock hardcore. Seriously. I love y'all so much right now...

and I hope that you feel better soon, babe!

[hanahap.livejournal.com]

Argh! I can't remember if I commented, or if I was so excited about seeing this update that I read it and immediately was so satisfied I forgot! Good to hear a bit more from Chris's pov - you really get the feeling from this chapter of the gulf bewteen Jared and Jeff/Jensen/Chris. Although hopefully after this little insight Jared will feel a bit better.

Another wonderful chapter. Can't wait to see what else is in store for our boys. And I must admit I cannot wait to see more Jason and Jensen interaction cos their first little spat was so funny. Will he turn out to be just as protective as the others?

[vaznetti]

This is an amazing series -- I don't ordinarily read RPF but this is such a clear fantasy that I decided to try it and I'm so glad that I did. I love the worldbuilding, and the interaction between the characters and -- and jeff is the President! How cool is that?

Awesome. Thanks for writing this.

[puy121.livejournal.com]

I just stayed up all night reading this series. And I have several critical meetings tomorrow - so I'm just screwed. I'll be paying the price tomorrow, but it was worth it.

[poisontaster]

I want to cuddle and pet your brains forever and ever amen.

[mre-quecky.livejournal.com]

I've just caught up with this story, and I totally like it!
It's awesome ;D

[freedom-fly.livejournal.com]

Just read all of the chapters in 2 nights. Not recommended if you're trying to get an early night, lol. It's really addictive!!
A great and different concept to what is usually written. All the back stories and everything has linked in brilliantly.

[paintmydays.livejournal.com]

Wow. I don't know why I never saw this verse before. But I'm glad I've finally found it! I read it all in a seat. I love this verse. Wonderful story. ♥

[jennygeee.livejournal.com]

Just read all of it!! Absolutely amazing, really enjoyed reading it and I'm sorry I've caught up, can't wait for more.

[kuhekabir.livejournal.com]

I loved this. Are you still writing this? Awesome :)

[iwwfw.livejournal.com]

Sweet Jesus, the relationships y'all build in this universe. Tenuous, spider-web thin threads that flex and tense, near breaking, only to release and grow stronger. What y'all are doing here is amazing. You have a grasp of human relationships that just blows my mind. Even when in a space that doesn't forward the plot of the external story, y'all move these characters so many spaces forward and back, adding density to them.

[1more-sickpuppy.livejournal.com]

Yeah, still catching up. It's so much better when you get to read several chapters at once! It helps feeling the time-frame, keeps the emo level up etc... I gotta say I worship this little comment exchange that you had above:

coiledsoul:
"so, in conclusion, you've built an entire future verse of slavery and espionage and population crushing plagues just to get the 4 of them in bed together?

i really really love you guys."

nilchance:
"We are motivated by the shiny."

Yup, this stuff slays me.

[sharonmarais.livejournal.com]

It's taken me far too long to get back to this but now that I have I MUST say thanks to you both for this wonderful verse.

Hope your illness cleared up in time for the holidays.

Looking forward to the next installment when you manage to get to one.

HUGS to you both

[lomer.livejournal.com]

I'm so close to the end on my re-read! I just wanted to comment again and say how much I'm enjoying re-reading this series. A post-apocolyptic slave story might not be what most people think of as an ideal bedtime story, but you create this world so completely that I love losing myself in it. There's this great mix of realistic struggle that comes from post-apocolyptic slavery, but also a lot of heart. So thanks again for providing ideal bedtime stories to distract my brain from work and get ready for sleep.

[keerawa.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, I still forget to fight like a human instead of a slave."
*whistles* And that list of things Jared learned about himself in rehab. So good.