And then, there's a bearded fetus.

Finally Friday! I actually slept pretty well last night. I woke up a couple of times, but only for a couple of minutes at a time. So that was good. Of the less good: our window unit AC decided to give up the ghost at 4:45am and began screeching loudly. Farewell little unit, you saved our bacon the last two years.

Of course, after being awoken so rudely, I was very much Awake. Capital A, Awake. I tried to doze back off, but it was just not happening.

Yesterday marked one week since Dad died. It's been an interesting week. What's really hitting me is that while I'll have occasional sad moments, I don't miss him. Jess read an article about how you have to detach your familial feelings in order to be a caretaker. That might be part of it. The other part is that he wasn't really interactive during the last two years. He didn't want to talk. 98% of our interactions were either I want Cookies, I need to pee or my TV/tablet/phone is doing a thing I don't want, fix it. It's hard to miss someone whose entire interaction consisted of demands and complaints. I miss the dad I used to know, sure. But I've missed him for a while.

I've spent the last two years so resentful and frustrated and anxious that this is really a relief. I don't have someone yelling "I need to pee," while I'm on a call with a patient. Fortunately, the mic I use is good and didn't pick it up, but it's distracting. I'm not going to injure myself more, or watch Jess or my sister injure themselves taking care of him. I can get my shoulder fixed and not worry about Jess trying to take care of both of us. I'm not worrying that every little complaints is him getting sick. I'm not worrying about money.

Money wise, I think we're going to come out on top. His prescriptions were SO expensive, even with insurance. We were constantly getting Ensure, because he didn't want to eat the food we cooked. We would get special food since he only liked chicken tenders, hamburgers and fast food. And good lord, our cookie budget. He would go through a container of party size oreos in 1-2 days. Every 2-3 days, I was blowing $11 on more.

Maybe it'll hit me further on down the road. I don't know. Right now, I'm fine. Visiting apartments nonstop. I'm excited that I finally get to see what life will be like when I only have to take care of Jess. We're going to be living with my sister still, but overall, we'll be free to do what we want.

And on that note, I'm going to get myself together and get ready for work. Everyone have the very best Friday!

It's Wednesday, feeling like Tuesday. We were absolutely slammed at work yesterday. At one point, we had calls waiting 5 minutes. I was using my full allotment of after call work to get a break between calls.

Hopefully, today won't be quite as busy. I did 68 calls yesterday, and I was exhausted. And of course, after I was done, I got to run out to deliver one of dad's wheelchairs to it's new home. I had put up a post on the community facebook to try to get rid of some of the medical equipment that we now own. It was a bit of a feeding frenzy, but no one has committed for the big stuff yet. I was happy to deliver, as it will now be used by a very nice older man. He's got low vision and has been falling a lot lately, so this will help him out. After I dropped it off, his wife called to tell me how perfect it was. I hope they get many good years out of it.

The second one went to a gentleman who has auto immune diseases and a bad hip to be his travel chair.

I kind of figure that since he didn't die in a way that we could donate his organs, we are going to donate his equipment.

I did not sleep great last night, not sure why. I'm a little tired today, but I'll manage. I've had a little annoying cough the last couple of days. Just allergy, I'm pretty sure, but it's enough that I'm worrying Jess.

Today, I have work, then off to check out an apartment. The problem I'm running into is that a lot of the three bedrooms, or two bedrooms with den are on the third floor. But I shall persist!

Okay, time for me to get myself together for work. Pants are important. Everyone have an amazing Wednesday!

It's Monday! And it is a glorious holiday, so I slept in til 8. The cat tried to get me up at 5 and 6, but I persisted in being a lump.

Today, we have a couple of apartment visits, which should be super cool. One is one of the ones I was really curious about, since they have a 2 bedroom with den, which is exactly what I want. It's also under 2k, which would be nice. The second is a high rise place, so we'll see how we feel about that. It's not high on my list, since it only has 2 bedroom, minus den. Right now, for the most part, we're just looking to see what there is and what we like. 3/29 is the date I want to be out by.

After that, we have someone coming to take one of the wheelchairs, which will be good. I posted on the community Facebook page, and people were coming out of the woodwork with sob stories, so hopefully, I'll be getting rid of more of them soon.

Yesterday ended up being a quiet day. I started with a headache about an hour before I was scheduled to go to the apartment, and ended up cancelling.

Today I will be touring the apartment up north, which is the one I'm interested in. The person who emailed me was very nice, and was also pleasant when I called her immediately after receiving the email. That appointment is at 11, and the next appointment is at 12. So, we'll see how it goes.

Per poisontaster's suggestion, I will bring a tape measure and a good idea of how much furniture we'll need to place in it. I will test the water pressure, flush the toilet and count how many outlets there are in each room.

Tomorrow, it's back to work, this time without the added stress of Dad being in the process of dying. I'm hoping it's a much more pleasant day. I'm sure my managers will be checking in on me throughout the day.

But really, I'm okay. Occasionally sad, but also quietly relieved. It's been so hard for so long, and much of it I've been so angry and resentful that it's kind of good, too. I literally broke myself caring for him, and I'm so grateful that it's over before Jess or my sister also injure themselves.

And now, I shall go forth and consider the merits of pants, and get ready to go see some apartments. Everyone have an amazing Labor Day!

It's Saturday morning and I am tired. We had Frostmaiden last night, and even though I stopped it a few minutes before 10, I'm still kind of wiped out this morning. But it's okay, I only have to work for 4 hours and then I can relax until it's time to play at 3pm. I ended up cancelling the evening game, because I haven't done nearly enough prep work to get through it. It's an older module that uses a different system, so I have to figure out all the monster's information in the new system. Some monsters are still being used, so I can just drop and drag from the compendium into the game. Others are unique, and are a royal pain in the ass to work out. I'd planned to work on it in August, but then Dad happened, and I got nothing done.

Yesterday was pretty quiet. I didn't do a whole lot aside from a bit of prep for my two games. Frostmaiden was just reviewing a bit of what had happened, and what the current plans were. The rest of the work was on todays game. Which thankfully, is a prewritten module, so I just need to follow the story and I'm good. I have a feeling this might be a longer than one shot game. There's a lot to it.

It was so nice to get into Frostmaiden again last night. The week has been such a shitshow, it was nice to have that to cap it off with something enjoyable.

The nice people from the oxygen supply picked up the condenser and spare tanks, so that's one less thing. I'm looking for places that we can donate the medical equipment, but it's been slow going. I think that's going to be something I do during my lunch breaks next week.

The other thing I did this week was start planning a very slow, very gentle apartment hunt. I can't handle more than 2 apartment visits per week, and we've got a lot of places that I'm interested in. After some thought, we decided to stick with my sister for at least a few years. So we're looking for either a 2 bedroom with den or a 3 bedroom. I've got two scheduled this weekend, and one that I'm really excited about on Tuesday.

The current plan is that once we've divyed up dad's retirement accounts, I'm going to withdraw enough to pay off the car, and some older bills that are impacting my credit, so it can start working it's way back up. Then, at the same time, we start saving all we can for security deposit and move. As we clean the house, we also start packing, and I rent a storage unit for some of the boxes. Come the end of March, we move into the new place, and hire someone to deep clean the old place and possibly to clean out the attic, because I don't know that any of us can do that.

Then, we turn the keys over to the reverse mortgage people and sell the fuck out of it, potentially making something in the process.

There's something very appealing about moving. Right now, we're living in a generational house, and there is shit from when my grandfather, great grandfather and grandmother all lived here. Add on my parents strata, and ours, and it's a lot. I want to winnow shit down and only take what we need, so that we can start over fresh without the past holding us down. New start, and we hire a cleaning person to come in every other week to dust and vacuum.

Okay, time for me to get myself together for work. Everyone have a wonderful Saturday!

We got the call from the hospice at 4am--dad's gone. They went in to check on him and give him meds and he'd passed peacefully in his sleep.

I'm so profoundly grateful to the hospice that accepted him. They had him by lunchtime, and as they brought him in, gurgling and agitated and in pain (because the hospital really sucked and didn't give him pain meds before transport) the manager of the hospice floor took one look, and said "oh hell no," and left her desk to give him one on one support. She got him settled, cleaned him up, including suctioning his mouth and throat out so he wasn't drowning in his own snot. They got him morphined up and on other meds to make him feel better. Then, she noticed his belly was a bit distended, and she put in a foley catheter, which immediately drained over a liter of urine. She continued to check on him all day, and when we arrived, she came in and talked to us, held our hand through it all. And he was so much more peaceful. A little rattle, but not much more than a little snore, and relaxed in his very nice bed. It was night and day. The nurse warned us that he was probably going to go in the next 24 hours, and she was right. At least thanks to the last visit, my final memory of my father isn't going to be him agitated and in pain like he was in the hospital.

I'm so incandescently angry with Franklin Square. This entire trip was a clusterfuck. From missing his DNR and intubating to lying to us about the duration of the intubation (just a couple of days til the antibiotics kick in). I feel like that was a 100% cover their asses move. If we agreed to keep the vent in, they were absolved legally. Cynically, I don't know if he was ever going to be a viable patient, or if they were just trying to keep us from suing.

A special fuck you to the Fourth Floor Med/Surg wing, who put him in a room and did nothing for a week. And to the doctor who "knew just how to get him into hospice" and undermedicated him shamefully. He spent the last five days of his life in pain and probably afraid, because they couldn't be bothered.

We're doing okay. Sad, but thanks to that last visit, and knowing that he was taken care of when he died, we're feeling pretty okay. I'm taking today and Friday off work. Might as well use my bereavement time.

Mostly, I just feel weird. After years of resenting him and the situation, we're basically free. It's a strange feeling.

I know dad was mostly agnostic the last 10 years of his life, so I hope he found whatever afterlife he wanted, or has found rest.

And now, I'm going to take a nap. Everyone have an wonderful Thursday.

We made it through Monday! Go team us!

My Monday was frustrating, confusing and made me very angry and sad.

Dad continues to die. It continues to be stressful in ways that it doesn't need to be. More behind the ( cut )

I'm feeling pretty shaky and constantly on the edge of crying. It sucks. I both need to work to keep my mind off of it, and resent work.

Oh! There was one bright spot. The vet texted me that Boodle's labs came back and were perfect. So that was awesome and made me happy in an otherwise kind of shitty day. I thought for sure she was going to at least have a thyroid issue.

Okay, I'm going to start getting myself together for work. I hope everyone has an excellent Tuesday!

It's Sunday and I actually slept til 8:30! Unfortunately that means that everyone is up at once, and I am wildly overstimulated.

So now, Hospice isn't sure that dad is bad enough for them. The doctor certainly seems to think so, but the actual hospice group isn't so sure. They were going to reevaluate at some point today, so I have no fucking clue what's going on.

( more shit about dying and death below the cut. )

Had a lovely game, during which I started feeling increasingly shitty, to the point that I cancelled the second game. which turned out to be a good thing as towards the end of the night I was having horrible gas pains in my stomach. I basically turned on my side, took a gas X and went straight to bed. It *sucked*. It's still a bit tender today, so we'll see how that goes.

Today, we have no games, since poisontaster is still not feeling well. Kind of grateful for that. I need a day to breathe.

Jess is still sick with a horrible dry barking cough and a little fever, I feel so bad for them. I think they're going to go to urgent care tomorrow and get checked out.

Basically right now, we're in a holding pattern. It's annoying and I wish we could get out of it.

And now, I'm going to go think about pants. Everyone have an excellent Sunday!

It's Friday! And at the very least, I'll have a half day off! I've got a doctor's appointment today at 11am, so I'm going to call out. If the visit is short, I'll go in afterwards, but if not, no loss, I've got nearly 70 PTO hours, so I'm not going to worry about it.

Yesterday was very full. First I had work, which was pretty busy. I finished up at 2:30pm and got myself together to take Boodle to her vet appointment. She was Not Happy and made Jess and I bleed our own blood to get her in the carrier. The vet didn't see anything egregiously wrong, so he did some labs, and we'll see how that comes out on Monday. Once we got to the vet, she was the sweetest, most docile kitty on the planet. The vet and staff loved her, and made over her greatly. She was 8.71 pounds and had one possible tooth that might go bad? He tried to poke below the gum line, but she bled a bit, so they weren't able to get a good look. She didn't react to it, which makes him think it might be fine. They're thinking that she might have a thyroid problem, since I mentioned that I thought she had lost a bit of weight. If that's the case, we'll have a choice between a one time shot that will cost $1000 or a daily med. If I can swing it, I'll do the shot this time. Medicating Sam was a giant pain in the ass.

Dad continues to be difficult. After telling my sister that he'd let them put in a feeding tube, he refused, and the doctor wants my sister to talk to Palliative Care. She's resisting, because he's still having the post vent delirium, and isn't really able to hold an idea in his mind. I understand, but goddamn, I'm tired. The confusion could last for another week or longer. It may never go away. So I think it's time we make some decisions for him, and this is really not a life.

Tomorrow will also be a busy day. I work in the morning, then I have games at 2pm and 7pm. It should be awesome. I'll be wiped out by the end of the day. But I'll have Sunday to relax, and then I'll play again Sunday night.

For now, though, time to get this day started. Everyone have an excellent Friday!

It's hump day! I am starting my day wildly overstimulated. My sister immediately started talking about the DNC, the dog barked at the trash people, and my sister has lost the remote for the TV, necessitating for her to watch the news on the computer, which is much louder than the normal. It's just too much before 6:30am.

I may be coming down with a cold, as I have begun a bit of sneezing. It might just be allergies, but with Jess also having those symptoms, I have suspicions. We shall see. I'm hoping it's just allergies, though either way it's going to be difficult for work.

I would like to have had another hour of sleep today, but Boodle was determined that I get up immediately. It was only 30 min before the alarm went off, but sometimes, you just have to listen to the small furry creature with the sharp claws.

Yesterday work was very busy in the afternoon. I ended up at 58 calls, which isn't my max, but is pretty busy. Today will hopefully be slightly less brisk. It would be nice to have more than 10 seconds between calls.

We have a long-delayed game tonight, providing that everyone feels up to it. Our fearless DM poisontaster also has a nasty cold, so we'll see how she's feeling. After that, nothing until Saturday, when we have a ton and I work in the morning.

I haven't been watching the DNC, since it's past my bedtime, but the speeches have been awesome. I've really been enjoying the clips I see.

Okay, time for me to go forth and put some pants on. Everyone have an amazing Wednesday!

And after a lovely, and busy weekend, we're back to Monday!

After the busy day on Saturday, I decided to take it a little slower yesterday, though it still wasn't quiet. I decided that I needed to go get some hot dogs to have with our hamburgers, and went up to a local butcher/coffee shop. It was very nice, and a lot closer than the other one. Also much nicer. Next time I need meat, I may be going up there. The hot dogs were lovely, as were the sausages I got (Beef Frito pie and beer can chicken). We have a ton of leftovers. Apparently on Sunday, they also have a little farmers market across the street in the overflow lot, so that's something to consider.

Next stop will be one of the farms, Roseda Farm, to see what they have. I'm on the hunt for meat as good as I got from the beef share.

After that, I stopped at the little stall and got a cardamom cold brew coffee, and picked up Jess a Lavender London Fog latte. Both coffees were excellent.

Then, it was home to relax for a while, then to cook all the food. The ground beef from Bowman's Butcher was really good. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Lower fat, but not less juicy somehow. Then, it was off to pick up my sister from the hospital. She reported that Dad is doing much better, and was much more alert and with it.

After that, we played the second half of the one shot, which was a lot of fun. It ran a tiny bit late, but we got it all done! After that, we went to bed and I fell right asleep in no time flat.

Today, I have no doubt that work is going to be super busy. Probably 55-60 calls worth.

Depending on how Jess is feeling, we'll see if they're going to be going to the hospital to visit dad. They had a dry cough starting yesterday. Could be allergies, could be something else. Covid test was negative, but we'll see.

For now, I'm going to go forth and put on pants, and figure out breakfast. Everyone have a perfectly lovely Monday!