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beansideIt's Saturday! We decided to switch Superman to today, since we were both still a little hung over from the concert yesterday, and neither of us was excited about being out late. Today, I work from 8-12, and then we have the movie at 1:30, then the MD German Festival for dinner. It should be a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to it.
Yesterday, the person who normally makes calls for the team was out, so I was kept jumping. At any given time, I'd have four or five emails of people to call. I got all of them done, so that's something. Scheduled a lot of people for STAT tests.
At about eleven, my boss thanked me again for helping out. He said he'd depleted his balance of points for our in house recognition system, but when they replenished, he was sending some my way, but he also wanted to do something else. He's trying to decide what. (Money is always a good thing. lol)
As I was sorting through the emails that had dropped on me, I was thinking about the concert, and how much I enjoyed dressing up, and I had a bit of an epiphany. I realized that for years, I avoided makeup because my mother didn't think it had value. She frequently made disparaging remarks about my sister taking forever to get ready, and made it clear that I was her mini me, who was supposed to be the tomboy, unfussy and not into makeup or femme things. My value was in that role. I tried out some makeup right after Jess moved in, and I don't think she' made any remarks, but by that time, she was so dismissive and nasty that I feel like it diminished my self worth anyway. I had a shitty self perception. With my bad teeth and red cheeks and shape, I felt like it would be a waste of makeup.
There was a time after she died that I could have broken the cycle, but then dad had a bleed in one of his eyes, and the reality of taking care of him landed squarely on us, so I just...didn't.
He also reinforced my shitty self worth with his pickiness and insistence that nothing was quite good enough.
But now, after he's been gone, and things have been a little more relaxed, and when I cook, I get praise, it's unlocked something. It started with being annoyed at some of the age spots on my forehead, and the redness of my cheeks, which is less rosacea than broken blood vessels from years of allergies. So I started trying to wash my face more frequntly (ever).
It helped a little with the age spots, but not enough and not at all with the redness. Then, about 2 months ago, I decided to dye my hair. It took 15 years off how I looked. I looked younger and I felt good about myself.
So, I decided that I wanted to see if I could do makeup to cover the redness and age spots. And I went to Sephora and got makeup. A lot of it. And it was good, but not quite what I wanted. So I experimented and got other things. A whole lot of eyeshadow palettes. And good brushes. And I played. And I found a look that I liked.
And then I thought about the concert, and decided to dress up for it. So I got something off of Torrid's goth collection. And I put on heavier than usual makeup. And I felt slamming. I felt like I looked good, and Jess' response reinforced it. And it was good.
So now, I think I'm a convert. I don't wear it every day, but when we go out, I tend to. And for the next Ghost concert, I'm going all out, just for fun. I still have bad teeth and I'm fat, but I feel better about myself anyway. I'm not a lost cause, I can look really hot.
Tomorrow, I have my Strixhaven game, which is always fun. It's a game light weekend, but that's okay. We're going to actually go. out and do things! Movie! German festival! It's going to be a good weekend, I think.
On that note, I'm going to go forth and get myself together. Everyone have an amazing Saturday!
Yesterday, the person who normally makes calls for the team was out, so I was kept jumping. At any given time, I'd have four or five emails of people to call. I got all of them done, so that's something. Scheduled a lot of people for STAT tests.
At about eleven, my boss thanked me again for helping out. He said he'd depleted his balance of points for our in house recognition system, but when they replenished, he was sending some my way, but he also wanted to do something else. He's trying to decide what. (Money is always a good thing. lol)
As I was sorting through the emails that had dropped on me, I was thinking about the concert, and how much I enjoyed dressing up, and I had a bit of an epiphany. I realized that for years, I avoided makeup because my mother didn't think it had value. She frequently made disparaging remarks about my sister taking forever to get ready, and made it clear that I was her mini me, who was supposed to be the tomboy, unfussy and not into makeup or femme things. My value was in that role. I tried out some makeup right after Jess moved in, and I don't think she' made any remarks, but by that time, she was so dismissive and nasty that I feel like it diminished my self worth anyway. I had a shitty self perception. With my bad teeth and red cheeks and shape, I felt like it would be a waste of makeup.
There was a time after she died that I could have broken the cycle, but then dad had a bleed in one of his eyes, and the reality of taking care of him landed squarely on us, so I just...didn't.
He also reinforced my shitty self worth with his pickiness and insistence that nothing was quite good enough.
But now, after he's been gone, and things have been a little more relaxed, and when I cook, I get praise, it's unlocked something. It started with being annoyed at some of the age spots on my forehead, and the redness of my cheeks, which is less rosacea than broken blood vessels from years of allergies. So I started trying to wash my face more frequntly (ever).
It helped a little with the age spots, but not enough and not at all with the redness. Then, about 2 months ago, I decided to dye my hair. It took 15 years off how I looked. I looked younger and I felt good about myself.
So, I decided that I wanted to see if I could do makeup to cover the redness and age spots. And I went to Sephora and got makeup. A lot of it. And it was good, but not quite what I wanted. So I experimented and got other things. A whole lot of eyeshadow palettes. And good brushes. And I played. And I found a look that I liked.
And then I thought about the concert, and decided to dress up for it. So I got something off of Torrid's goth collection. And I put on heavier than usual makeup. And I felt slamming. I felt like I looked good, and Jess' response reinforced it. And it was good.
So now, I think I'm a convert. I don't wear it every day, but when we go out, I tend to. And for the next Ghost concert, I'm going all out, just for fun. I still have bad teeth and I'm fat, but I feel better about myself anyway. I'm not a lost cause, I can look really hot.
Tomorrow, I have my Strixhaven game, which is always fun. It's a game light weekend, but that's okay. We're going to actually go. out and do things! Movie! German festival! It's going to be a good weekend, I think.
On that note, I'm going to go forth and get myself together. Everyone have an amazing Saturday!
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Date: 2025-07-12 05:36 pm (UTC)