![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beansideSadly, time to go back to work again. Today should not be terrible, though I have no doubt former!manager will have something for me relating to the out of market pickups. But mostly, I should just be able to get my shit done and then be bored for the rest of the day.
Yesterday was a wee bit rough as Jess and I were both having caregiver burnout and it kind of led to a series of breakdowns. My brother in law's father is in hospice care and probably won't be around much longer. BIL is his primary caretaker. My sister, wanting to be helpful, spent the day over there, and is talking about going over more frequently and even spending the night.
This, of course, would mean that I'd have to sleep upstairs in her bed, which would mean that I wouldn't get a whole lot of sleep. And it means that we'd probably lose the few breaks we have in taking care of my father. This is stressing us both out. As is, we have a couple of hours a night after my sister gets home, and whenever we schedule a D&D game. But, even then, should something happen, we're on call. Even on Saturday and Sunday, we're taking care of him. This involves getting him up and dressed, giving him his morning pills, giving him food and snacks, covering him when he's cold, emptying the colostomy bag, making sure we put his shows on and being there in case he needs something. Oh, and putting him to bed three (or more) nights a week.
It's become obvious that playing D&D while she's not here is difficult, because he gets anxious if no one is in the living room with him, and he's not great about understanding what's involved in the game, so he tends to talk to the dog, the cat, and occasionally whoever's sitting out there. So, if my sister is home, we don't play. There goes another of our breaks.
It's been on a low simmer since Wednesday, when my sister went to the funeral home for a distant cousin, and just the little bit of standing involved had her almost unable to walk at all, so I ended up putting Dad to bed for her. Yesterday morning, I broached the idea of putting him in a respite care center while we were at Disney, and she shot it down, saying she'd be "fine." There is no fucking way that she can do everything that we do for 11 days straight. It's just not going to happen. I'm going to look into the respite care and once I have the info, I will talk to dad about it. I don't think he'll be happy, but I also think it's been worrying him. I do have a feeling his solution is "don't go," but that's not happening.
Anyhow, we had much angst, very breakdown. Jess looked up some respite care providers, and that seems like it might be a good option, especially to take him to some appointments.
Despite that, I still had another meltdown after we went down to bed. I both am exhausted by everything and simultaneously feel like I don't do enough. Jess says I do a lot, but I feel like I should do more and take some off of them. I feel like my biggest contribution is monetary, and I'm always struggling with that. Jess pointed out that I work full time, and still get him dressed every morning, and make dinner every night, and put him to bed and jump to get him shit. Plus, thanks to years of conditioning by my mother, if he's going to be a pain in the ass or give someone shit, it's gonna be me. It drives Jess crazy. And when you call him on it, it's always "I'm just funning you." I fucking hate that phrase.
I just hate it. I love my father, but I'm tired of being tied down. And now, my sister has decided that she and BIL are going to Gettysburg in November, and I am bitterly unhappy about it. There's a small part of me that is like "Why does she get to leave?" And how is she paying for it, when I'm constantly on the verge of total financial collapse?
What it boils down to is that we're going to have to have some hard discussions. And that is going to suck, but the current model is not working. Jess and I are both strung out and anxious all the time, and that probably is not making us the best caregivers.
I've been doing a lot of feelings dumps here lately, haven't I? It's just been really hard. Between home and all the drama at work, I've just been very unhappy, and I have no way to fix any of it.
We were talking about when Dad passes, and we were talking about getting a little studio or 1 bedroom apartment, just us and the cat, and it sounded amazing, only being responsible for ourselves. D&D whenever we want to, not trying to juggle with my sister's schedule. It would be so nice, and I want it.
Okay, time for me to get together for work. Have a good Sunday everyone!
Yesterday was a wee bit rough as Jess and I were both having caregiver burnout and it kind of led to a series of breakdowns. My brother in law's father is in hospice care and probably won't be around much longer. BIL is his primary caretaker. My sister, wanting to be helpful, spent the day over there, and is talking about going over more frequently and even spending the night.
This, of course, would mean that I'd have to sleep upstairs in her bed, which would mean that I wouldn't get a whole lot of sleep. And it means that we'd probably lose the few breaks we have in taking care of my father. This is stressing us both out. As is, we have a couple of hours a night after my sister gets home, and whenever we schedule a D&D game. But, even then, should something happen, we're on call. Even on Saturday and Sunday, we're taking care of him. This involves getting him up and dressed, giving him his morning pills, giving him food and snacks, covering him when he's cold, emptying the colostomy bag, making sure we put his shows on and being there in case he needs something. Oh, and putting him to bed three (or more) nights a week.
It's become obvious that playing D&D while she's not here is difficult, because he gets anxious if no one is in the living room with him, and he's not great about understanding what's involved in the game, so he tends to talk to the dog, the cat, and occasionally whoever's sitting out there. So, if my sister is home, we don't play. There goes another of our breaks.
It's been on a low simmer since Wednesday, when my sister went to the funeral home for a distant cousin, and just the little bit of standing involved had her almost unable to walk at all, so I ended up putting Dad to bed for her. Yesterday morning, I broached the idea of putting him in a respite care center while we were at Disney, and she shot it down, saying she'd be "fine." There is no fucking way that she can do everything that we do for 11 days straight. It's just not going to happen. I'm going to look into the respite care and once I have the info, I will talk to dad about it. I don't think he'll be happy, but I also think it's been worrying him. I do have a feeling his solution is "don't go," but that's not happening.
Anyhow, we had much angst, very breakdown. Jess looked up some respite care providers, and that seems like it might be a good option, especially to take him to some appointments.
Despite that, I still had another meltdown after we went down to bed. I both am exhausted by everything and simultaneously feel like I don't do enough. Jess says I do a lot, but I feel like I should do more and take some off of them. I feel like my biggest contribution is monetary, and I'm always struggling with that. Jess pointed out that I work full time, and still get him dressed every morning, and make dinner every night, and put him to bed and jump to get him shit. Plus, thanks to years of conditioning by my mother, if he's going to be a pain in the ass or give someone shit, it's gonna be me. It drives Jess crazy. And when you call him on it, it's always "I'm just funning you." I fucking hate that phrase.
I just hate it. I love my father, but I'm tired of being tied down. And now, my sister has decided that she and BIL are going to Gettysburg in November, and I am bitterly unhappy about it. There's a small part of me that is like "Why does she get to leave?" And how is she paying for it, when I'm constantly on the verge of total financial collapse?
What it boils down to is that we're going to have to have some hard discussions. And that is going to suck, but the current model is not working. Jess and I are both strung out and anxious all the time, and that probably is not making us the best caregivers.
I've been doing a lot of feelings dumps here lately, haven't I? It's just been really hard. Between home and all the drama at work, I've just been very unhappy, and I have no way to fix any of it.
We were talking about when Dad passes, and we were talking about getting a little studio or 1 bedroom apartment, just us and the cat, and it sounded amazing, only being responsible for ourselves. D&D whenever we want to, not trying to juggle with my sister's schedule. It would be so nice, and I want it.
Okay, time for me to get together for work. Have a good Sunday everyone!
no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 09:08 pm (UTC)