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beansideAnd we've reached my last day of vacation. I'm both ready and not ready to go back to work. On one hand, I get bored towards the middle of the day. On the other, I'm often bored at work, too, but I occasionally find stuff to do, so that helps. Sunday aside, it was a nice break.
Grief is weird. I'll be fine, and then I brush against the hole where Sam used to exist, and the tears start again. I know it won't hurt this bad forever, but right now, it's just shitty. We had him for nearly 19 years. That's over a third of my life. Weirdly, I don't think I cried this much when my mother died. There was too much to coordinate, and extraneous things to worry about and Dad to take care of. Not to mention, after years of slowly worsening hypoxia, her personality had completely changed, and Dad and I were her primary target, so a lot of what I felt was relief.
Sam remained the same sweet, dumb kitty to the end. From the cat who would crawl right in your lap when he showed up on our back porch, to the boy who would purr whenever you picked him up. I keep automatically looking for him in his favorite places, and the hurt wells up again when I remember. I just miss him a lot. I know we gave him the best chance to bounce back again, and with the three days away, I was able to look at him with new eyes and see how sick he really was. Anything we did to prolong his life would have been for us, not him, and that would have been cruel. And if I tell myself that long enough, I'll believe it. I know deep down that with the edema spreading like it was, and the panting, it was either kidneys or heart failure and end stage at that. Also, the vet had mentioned intestinal lymphoma as a possible culprit for his failure to gain weight on the thyroid med. He'd been losing weight over the course of a few years. And that last day, he just seemed very uncomfortable. I just didn't want him to hurt. He deserved better than to hurt.
Now we just wait for his ashes to be ready so we can bring him home. I hate that the end of life stuff is conducted by people who didn't know him, and don't understand what a special kitty he was. I just want him here, even if I have to touch is a wooden box.
Sorry, eventually I'll stop talking so much about Sam. It's just helping me process right now.
Today, Jess is going to go do laundry and I'm going to watch Dad. Maybe watch a movie. I really need something big and stupid. I really want to see Morbius, because I loved the character when I was devouring the Marvel trade paperbacks in the 90's. But, on the other hand. I don't want to give Jared Leto the money for a purchase, and it's not on rental yet. Maybe I'll watch Mulan. Jess was horrified to find out that I'd only seen the live action Mulan, not the cartoon. Or, I'll see if any of the Transformer movies are on HBOMax. It doesn't get much bigger or stupider than those.
We had a pile of packages come while we were out of town. Everything I was hoping would come before we left did not. Most of it came the day we headed up to Lancaster. We have Disney Pride pins. A Progress rainbow pin for me and a Trans pride pin for Jess. I slapped it on my work backpack, along with an old IKEA pride pin. I also have a Star Wars pride pin that I picked up at the Disney outlet. I know it's a blatant cash grab, but I also want to reward them for drawing the line in the sand. We also got room sprays, which I have not used yet. I've got to figure out where I can spray them away from the animals.
Okay, I guess it's time to start my day. More coffee first, I think. Everyone have a good Tuesday!
Grief is weird. I'll be fine, and then I brush against the hole where Sam used to exist, and the tears start again. I know it won't hurt this bad forever, but right now, it's just shitty. We had him for nearly 19 years. That's over a third of my life. Weirdly, I don't think I cried this much when my mother died. There was too much to coordinate, and extraneous things to worry about and Dad to take care of. Not to mention, after years of slowly worsening hypoxia, her personality had completely changed, and Dad and I were her primary target, so a lot of what I felt was relief.
Sam remained the same sweet, dumb kitty to the end. From the cat who would crawl right in your lap when he showed up on our back porch, to the boy who would purr whenever you picked him up. I keep automatically looking for him in his favorite places, and the hurt wells up again when I remember. I just miss him a lot. I know we gave him the best chance to bounce back again, and with the three days away, I was able to look at him with new eyes and see how sick he really was. Anything we did to prolong his life would have been for us, not him, and that would have been cruel. And if I tell myself that long enough, I'll believe it. I know deep down that with the edema spreading like it was, and the panting, it was either kidneys or heart failure and end stage at that. Also, the vet had mentioned intestinal lymphoma as a possible culprit for his failure to gain weight on the thyroid med. He'd been losing weight over the course of a few years. And that last day, he just seemed very uncomfortable. I just didn't want him to hurt. He deserved better than to hurt.
Now we just wait for his ashes to be ready so we can bring him home. I hate that the end of life stuff is conducted by people who didn't know him, and don't understand what a special kitty he was. I just want him here, even if I have to touch is a wooden box.
Sorry, eventually I'll stop talking so much about Sam. It's just helping me process right now.
Today, Jess is going to go do laundry and I'm going to watch Dad. Maybe watch a movie. I really need something big and stupid. I really want to see Morbius, because I loved the character when I was devouring the Marvel trade paperbacks in the 90's. But, on the other hand. I don't want to give Jared Leto the money for a purchase, and it's not on rental yet. Maybe I'll watch Mulan. Jess was horrified to find out that I'd only seen the live action Mulan, not the cartoon. Or, I'll see if any of the Transformer movies are on HBOMax. It doesn't get much bigger or stupider than those.
We had a pile of packages come while we were out of town. Everything I was hoping would come before we left did not. Most of it came the day we headed up to Lancaster. We have Disney Pride pins. A Progress rainbow pin for me and a Trans pride pin for Jess. I slapped it on my work backpack, along with an old IKEA pride pin. I also have a Star Wars pride pin that I picked up at the Disney outlet. I know it's a blatant cash grab, but I also want to reward them for drawing the line in the sand. We also got room sprays, which I have not used yet. I've got to figure out where I can spray them away from the animals.
Okay, I guess it's time to start my day. More coffee first, I think. Everyone have a good Tuesday!
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Date: 2022-05-24 05:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-05-24 08:47 pm (UTC)