Always searchin' for the real thing, livin' like it's far away

[beanside]

It's Wednesday! Which is my Friday this week, so yay! I took off Thursday and Sunday this week after moping about no one being around between the holidays but me. I'll probably be bored out of my mind, but I think I need the break, too.

I had a meltdown last night. It boiled down to the fact that I'm burnt out and overwhelmed and I feel stuck. I love my family, but I'm burned out being their caretaker. Dad is a pain in the ass, and sometimes unpleasant to deal with. He thinks he's being funny ala Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory. He doesn't seem to understand that it's just obnoxious and rude and there's no fucking laugh track in real life. Jess deals with him all day, and I don't know how they do it. They think he's a bigger asshole to me, though.

Then, there's my sister. She's got a problem with her hip, and it's a little difficult for her to get around. She hasn't had it checked, even though she should. But it means that I feel obliged to fetch and carry for her. Jess says I'm her personal servant.

Right now, I work from 8-4:30, then cook dinner, then serve dinner, listen to dad complain about whatever I cooked (frequently in the form of watching him feed 90% of what I served him to the dog), then Jess and I usually escape downstairs for a little while. Then, on alternating nights, it's back upstairs to put dad to bed.

I feel like a hamster on a wheel. Nothing has ever been any different and nothing will ever be any different. It's not like we can even get out on the weekends. I'm so terrified that once Dad is gone, I'm going to end up caretaking for my sister, and I feel guilty that I really don't want to.

I just wonder when it's going to be my time to do things, and I don't see that coming anytime soon. I'm trying to plan our vacation for this year, and it's not going to be much, and I have to beg for my sister to take time off, just so we can have a long weekend.

We're going to Hersheypark this year, I think. We were going to do Busch Gardens again, but I'm not sure I want to be 4 hours away. One and a half is a little more manageable. I really want to do something fun, and Hershey will be, but it's not what I really want. I want some sort of adventure, and I'm just not going to get it this year. With the pandemic, I'm not comfortable doing anything indoors, so that rules out most destinations.

What do you do for burnout when you can't escape? I'm trying to be kind to myself, but it's not easy.

The bright spots in my life are Jess and D&D. It's no wonder I've got four games running. It gives me something to look forward to just about every weekend. And it's a little bit of social time, which is desperately needed.

I would have termed myself an introvert, but after almost two years of lockdown, I've found I need some socialization.

Okay, enough of the whining.

Today, I'm training one of our new hires in how to do the markets, so that should be interesting. She seems smart, so I don't think it'll be a problem. One of our other people quit, so we definitely need someone to do her markets.

Time to go to work. Have a good Wednesday, everyone!

Comments

[nilchance]

I think that considering you've done at-home end-of-life caregiving for your grandmother, mother, and now your dad, it's completely understandable that you're burnt the fuck out and you don't want to do it when your dad is gone. That's a lot to expect from anyone. There are a lot of other options for your sister once your dad passes, because she's not that much older than you and she's still able to do laundry and work a fairly physical job. Unpaid servant was unfairly harsh of me; it's more family expectations playing out. But it is a thing where family expectations don't HAVE to keep playing out, even if it's really hard to stop. <3

[dine]

gotta agree with this. you don't have to be your sister's caretaker - even now, if she's assuming you'll fetch & carry for her, instead of occasionally doing her a favour, maybe draw some firmer lines? if it hurts but she's never bothered to pursue treatment, it's not on you to completely kill yourself to help her out.

[beanside]

I'm really not good at marking boundaries, but I'm going to try.

[beanside]

Thank you, my love.