beanside | Fic: Something Rational

Title: Something Rational
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: CMM/JDM
Disclaimer: Never happened. Never will. I don't know them (thankfully--cause that would be just akward).
A/N: I think I gave myself sugar shock. Ah well. Previous parts can be found here.

He left. Of course he did. You always knew he would. Why would he want you? He could have anyone. Doesn’t have to settle for damaged goods.

Chad fumbled on clothes, staggering out to the chair, and staring at nothing. The most timid of his cats, Laura, landed in his lap a moment later, mewing softly at him.

“Hey, little girl. Getting brave on me,” he said softly, wincing at his voice. It was raw, like he’d been screaming for real instead of just in his mind. “I screwed up, Laura-girl. Fuck. I didn’t think it would hurt this much when he left. Sophia didn’t. Neither did Mackenzie. Dammit. I thought we really had a chance. I thought…” Chad sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Fuck. Never again. No more. I can’t…”

The doorbell chimed, and Chad looked up at the clock. Fuck. Jensen. God, it had already been two hours since Jeff had left. Cursing, he stumbled to the door and opened it.

Jensen squinted at him for a moment, then sighed. “What happened?” he asked gently.

“Huh? Oh, nothing. It’s all good-“

Jensen stepped in the door, shaking his head. “I can see that.” He reached up and patted Chad’s cheek, his hand coming away wet.

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” Chad muttered, stomping towards the kitchen. “Just shut up about it.”

Jensen shook his head. “Even without the emo tears, I would have figured it out. You look like someone killed your puppy.”

Chad splashed water on his face and dried it on his shirt. “Fuck you.”

“Mm. Creative. C’mon, give.”

“Look, Jen.” Chad paused, sighing. “You really don’t need this right now, so I’m going to be a grown up for a change. What would you like for dinner? There’s a good Chinese place, an Italian place, and a diner nearby.”

“Chinese is good.” Jensen laid a hand on Chad’s shoulder. “And seriously, dude. Talk to me. It’ll get my mind off worrying about Jared.”

“Dude,” Chad tried for a mocking tone, but even to his own ears, it sounded flat. “When did you turn into a Jewish grandmother?”

This time, Jensen didn’t even bother saying anything, just fixed a pretty good approximation of Jared’s puppy dog look on Chad.

“Fine. I fucked up, okay?”

“Wow. In other news, ice is cold. C’mon, Chad.”

Chad eyed him for a moment, then sighed. “We were going to…I was going to bottom. And I kinda freaked mid-way.”

“And Jeff was upset?” Jensen’s eyes narrowed.

“No! No, I didn’t tell him. I just. Tried to fake it until I settled down. And he caught me. And he was pissed.”

Jensen rolled his eyes. “You think? Did he yell?”

“A little, but mostly he just left. Said he’d be back, and walked out. That was…two hours ago.”

Jensen sighed. “Dude, that’s a shitty thing to do to a guy. I’d probably have clocked you for it.”

“I know that,” Chad growled. “I just didn’t want to upset him. He was being so careful and so gentle, I didn’t want him to know it was freaking me out.”

“So, instead you let him think you were lying there and thinking of England? Not a good move. Especially not with a guy like Jeff.”

“Yeah, well. Not my problem anymore,” Chad said sourly. “If he comes back, it’s going to be to tell me that it’s over.”

“We’ll see,” Jensen murmured, a little smile touching his lips. For a moment, Chad considered decking him. But that would probably piss off Jared.

So, instead, he ordered Chinese, and drove to pick it up (and he was totally not looking for Jeff while he was out). Then, he and Jensen proceeded to mostly stare at the food, while shuffling it around, and eventually managing to swallow a piece or two.

Chad was about to give up trying to eat when the door opened, and his throat closed. Jeff looked thoroughly chilled, a little windblown and so good that he wanted to crawl to him. Wanted to beg for forgiveness, to abase himself, anything for Jeff to look at him like he cared again.

Instead, he dropped his plate in the sink and mumbled something about a smoke break.

If he stretched, he could just see into the kitchen from the porch. Sad and pathetic, but he’d take what he could get.

Jensen and Jeff were talking quietly. Jeff didn’t look angry, at least. God, that had almost been frightening, the thunderous look on his face. It was very John Winchester.

If he was being honest with himself, Chad had to admit that he hadn’t been afraid that Jeff would hurt him. He was afraid that he was watching the end of something he hadn’t known he’d desperately wanted until it was gone.

A cold nose nudged his hand, and he glanced down at Joe. “So, this is how it’s going to end, huh? Me in self inflicted exile on my porch.”

“Chad!” Jen yelled. “I’m leaving! Get your ass in here and give me a hug!”

Joe tilted his head, and Chad squared his shoulders. “I can do this.”

He walked in, chin up, and headed straight for Jensen, not looking at Jeff standing tall and implacable beside him. He tried for a guy-hug, a quick, one armed affair, but Jensen grabbed him tightly and held on. “Thank you, dude. I’d have lost my mind today without you.”

“No big,” Chad muttered, squirming a little.

“Yeah, it was. Jared told me how you feel about hospitals. So thank you, okay.” Jensen leaned closer, letting his voice drop to a murmur. “Have a little faith, dude. It’ll be okay.”

Chad swallowed hard. “Yeah. I’ll call tomorrow. If Jared feels up to company, I’ll swing by to say hello.”

“Okay. I know he’s going to be bored, so definitely.” Jensen hugged Jeff and headed out, humming softly to himself.

Chad tried to head back outside, but a grip on his belt loop stopped him in his tracks. He looked back nervously, not quite meeting Jeff’s eyes.

“I made coffee,” Jeff said softly. “We need to talk.”

‘We need to talk,’ Chad thought. Also known as ‘it’s just not working for me.’ But all he said was, “Okay,” and allowed Jeff to propel him towards the kitchen table.

Jeff poured them both coffee and took a seat across from Chad. He didn’t look angry, Chad thought. He just looked…sad. “I’m so sorry,” Chad blurted. “I just. I panicked, and I thought that if I just went with it, it would go away, and I didn’t mean to-“

“Make me feel like I was forcing it on you?” Jeff said. “Cause that’s what it felt like. It felt like you were saying ‘I don’t want this, but I’ll do it, because you’ll leave otherwise.’”

“No! I—I wanted to, but I freaked. I didn’t want you to feel like it was because of you, because it wasn’t. It was just…I freaked.”

Jeff sighed softly. “You’ve heard a little about Sarah, I know. We were together for a while, and I really thought we had something. Little did I know she had something with four other guys, too. When we broke up, it was pretty ugly.”

Chad shifted a little in his seat. Something in Jeff’s voice just made him want to go over, sit on Jeff’s lap and wrap him in a huge hug.

“She threw pretty much every bit of ammo she had. That I was a lousy lay, she never came with me. That she’d had to think about her other lovers to get wet with me. That my touch had turned her stomach, and she’d always faked it.”

“Ouch.” Chad closed his eyes. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“That’s why I needed to go. I was about to unload a whole mess of shit that you didn’t deserve. So, I walked, and sorted my shit out. I mean, I’m still pissed,” Jeff said seriously. “How could you think I’d want that?”

“I didn’t. I didn’t want you to think I was afraid because of you. It wasn’t. It was just…stuff.” Chad shrugged.

“Okay. But I can’t do this again,” Jeff started.

Chad felt his stomach drop. He’d almost hoped—

“Chad? No, not like that,” Jeff said. “Jesus, I’m not breaking up with you, boy.”

“You’re not?”

“No. I’m just saying that to avoid this again, you’re going to have to initiate it next time. And we’ll go slow. And I won’t sneak up on you like that.”

“Oh. I really am sorry.”

“You apologized already. I accept. Now, we move on, okay? Maybe tomorrow, we’ll exchange makeup-sex blow jobs.” Jeff gave him a wicked smirk.

Chad felt his lips curl, his stomach finally unknotting. “Tomorrow?”

“Jesus, I walked for three hours. Give an old man a break.” Jeff got up from the table. “I need a fucking nap.”

Chad followed him to the sink, pressing against Jeff’s side, and resting his head against the taller man’s chest. “We’re okay?”

Jeff’s hands cradled his face, callused fingers stroking along his cheekbones. “Yeah, we’re okay, sweetheart.”

Jeff’s lips touched his, and Chad’s arms went around the other man tightly, clutching him. “Jeff?”

“Yeah?”

Shouldn’t say it, shouldn’t say it, it’s too soon. He’s not Mackenzie, too soon, Chad thought. “Um. Nothing. Just. Thanks.” I love you, he added silently.

Jeff smiled, and for a moment, Chad wondered if he’d said the words out loud. Then, he kissed Chad again. “My pleasure.”

Leaning against Jeff’s solid form, Chad silently promised himself that he’d wait until the right time. Until he knew that he meant it. Until he knew that he could keep the promise that shouldbe a part of the words.