![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beansideSo, this part is a collaborative effort from my lovely wife and I.
Title: Kept Me Small
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nilchance and beanside
Rating: R
Pairing: CMM/JDM
Disclaimer: Never happened, never will. But I've got a good imagination.
A/N: Previous parts can be found here.
If he’d had to make a list of the last people he’d expect, or for that matter, want to find on his doorstep, Jensen had always figured Chad was at the top of the list. Especially after the fiasco at the club the other night.
He’d walked in to take a piss and found Chad on his knees, getting backhanded by the guy he’d just sucked off. In a public bar. In an unlocked restroom. Jesus. It was like the idiot didn’t want a career!
He’d taken care of things, shoved the guy out, gotten Chad washed up, and ice on his cheekbone. Freak accident, don’t you know. He’d been going in, and Chad was coming out, and the door had caught him. Very sad.
Jen pulled the door open reluctantly. “Hey, Murray. Jared’s at the set today.”
Chad shifted back and forth on his feet, an odd expression on his face. “I know. Can I come in?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Jensen shrugged, stepping back. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. What have you heard?” Chad limped in, moving slowly.
“Chad? What did you do to yourself?”
“Nothing,” he spat, glaring. “Stop being a douche.”
"You're not happy getting a black eye from a stranger? You want somebody who actually gives a fuck to hurt you now?" Jensen asked.
"You don't give a fuck, Jenny. You never have."
Jensen eyed him for a moment, tempted to either punch the little fuck, or toss him out on his ass. It was his day off, dammit. He didn’t need this kind of shit. But Chad was Jared’s friend. And he was eyeing Jensen warily, with a sick touch of desperation under the bravado. Fuck. "If I didn't think you were worth something, I wouldn't give you such a hard time, you ass," he sighed heavily.
“I'm not worth a goddamn thing but money, and the alimony's about knocked that out from under you,” Chad spat. His eyes narrowed a little, hardening.
Jensen rolled his eyes. "Sit down. I'll get you coffee. You can tell me what's going on."
"If I wanted talking or handholding, I'd have gone to the set,” Chad muttered, walking towards the couch anyway. After a long moment, he sighed. "Can I have mine black?"
“Fine. So, what can I do for you?" Jensen poured the coffee and sat down in the chair across from Chad.
For a moment, he thought Chad was going to bullshit or bluster, then the blond seemed to deflate in front of him. "I fucked up," he said softly.
"Okay. You fucked up. Wanna give me some details?" Jensen sat his coffee down, watching Chad as he shifted around on the sofa gingerly.
Chad was quiet for so long that Jensen was about to prompt him again. "I hurt Jeff,” he blurted suddenly.
"He sounded okay when we talked a few days ago,” Jensen lied. Truthfully, Jeff had sounded like he was miserable, but Chad didn’t deserve to know that. “What happened?"
"I—He's pissed and I wanted to know why, so I tried it, and God, Jen, I hurt him. I really hurt him. There was blood."
Jensen blinked at him. “What?” he finally asked.
“I figured he was pissed about the sex, so I tried it. With a thing.”
"You tried...oh god. You mean like with a toy?” Jensen shook his head. “That’s really not the best way to—wait, blood? Jesus, do you need to see someone?"
"Don't yell at me. You're a tool. I'm okay. I'm not gonna get blood on your couch,” Chad muttered, flushing scarlet.
"Seriously, dude. You can really fuck yourself up if you're not careful," Jensen said sharply. “I mean, big time. You need to get it checked. No fevers?"
"No. No fevers." Chad rubbed the back of his neck, ducking his head. "I talked to the medic on set. He yelled. I’m fine. Just…y’know. Superficial tear in the skin." He looked like he wanted to sink through the floor. “Can we drop this?”
"In a minute. Jesus, didn’t you even look online for how to do it? You need to prep. Lube and fingers and stretching, and a whole lot of lube on the dildo," Jensen felt his own face getting red. God had to have a grudge against him. He was sitting here, on his day off, trying to explain the mechanics of gay sex to fucking Mayhem. God hated him.
"I didn't stretch Jeff," Chad blurted.
Jensen stilled, suddenly understanding. Fuck. How did one explain this? Had he driven a busload of nuns off the road and not noticed? Why couldn’t he go to Jared for this?
"He won't want to hear from me. Call him, dude, make sure he's okay. Will he know to watch for fevers and that kind of shit? I can’t—Jen, please."
Jensen sighed. Fuck. The little bastard was really worried. "It's okay. Jeff's been doing this for awhile. He's fine. He doesn't normally need much prep anyway."
"Dude? It hurt. I was fine getting tattooed, I was okay post-surgery, but that- I scared the hell out of my neighbors."
Now there was a story for the neighborhood watch. "It was your first time, dude. Jeff's not exactly a virgin. Chances are, it stung for a minute, and then the next day, it felt like he'd overdone it at the gym. He's fine. Somehow, I don't think that's all that's bothering you, though." Jensen watched the emotions flicker across Chad’s face.
Chad shifted again. "I was trying to be the grown-up."
"Okay. How?"
"Hell, Jen, you know. 'Honk if you've been engaged to Chad.' I’m a frigging joke. I always try to make too much of stuff, and I always screw it up and it ends up in the papers and the person hates me.” Chad looked at the coffee like it held the answers of the universe. “Jeff deserves better,” Chad finally said quietly. “So I was being grown-up."
"What did you do?" Jensen closed his eyes for a moment. Jesus. What a clusterfuck. Between the two of them, there was enough baggage to put Amtrak out of business.
"I told him I had a good time and I left."
"What, right after the sex?" Jensen asked. He already knew the answer, but he was Jeff’s friend, dammit. He wasn’t going to spill his secrets.
"No." Chad shrugged, a little smile touching his lips. “I kinda fell asleep. He was warm and I was tired and we'd been drinking. And then I woke up and realized oh Christ, I'm making the same mistake, how many times do I have to screw up like this to get the message, so I left."
“So, you woke him up in the morning?" Jensen prompted.
"No. He was sleeping, so I left a note. I didn’t want to wake him,” Chad explained. “That'd be... I dunno. Rude."
"It would be rude to wake him up. But not to leave a note like he was some guy who doesn't look nearly as good when you're sober?" Jensen asked.
"No! Goddamn it, I was trying to get out of there before he realized he screwed up!" Chad said hotly.
"By making him feel like he was a sperm receptacle? C'mon, Chad" Jensen snorted. "This is Jeff. He doesn't do casual. He doesn't have sex with people he doesn't think he'll be able to talk to in the morning."
"Yeah, well. What the hell was he doing sleeping with me, then? I fuck trailer trash princesses, Jen. I fuck people as skeezy as I am. Jeff's way the hell out of my league." Chad shook his head.
"Obviously, he likes you. He considers you a friend. If he slept with you, it was because he wanted you. Not who you’ve fucked, not this dumbass alpha male bullshit you pull to push people away."
Chad rolled his eyes. "We've seen each other three times, and two of them he wanted to choke me to death. He was drunk and he was lonely and I used that because I wanted to believe it. Now it's done and I feel like crap."
"Funny, I never got the idea he disliked you. He actually seemed to like you, despite my best efforts," Jensen said, sighing. "Jeff's a romantic, dude. He seemed to think that you were a good guy."
"He knows better now," Chad spat, looking anywhere but at Jensen. His knuckles were white on the handle of the mug.
"You're not a bad guy. You just...” Jensen searched for the right words. “Jeff can come on a little strong. He's a lot like his dog. This big, overwhelming ball of affection."
Chad’s eyes snapped up to meet his. "Jeff's fine. He's a great guy, lay off him. This isn't his fault." Chad took a quick swallow of the coffee. "Anyway, it's done now. I just need to know how to say I'm sorry and then get out of his way. He's pissed now, and I screwed it up, and I want him to know it's not because I don't want- didn't want-... I wanted to stay.” Chad laid his head in his hands. “Fuck, I wanted to stay with him."
The pit of Jensen’s stomach dropped. "Oh hell. You really like him. Maybe more than like.” Why, why couldn’t Chad have gone to Jare? Seriously. This wasn’t his specialty. He’d spent last year fucking up nearly as badly as Chad. It was only because Jared was such a stubborn ass that they’d actually lasted.
"Shut up," Chad growled.
"Dude, you need to go talk to him,” Jensen sighed. “Tell him you're sorry, that you got spooked. He needs to hear it. Because until he does, he's going to think the absolute worst. Not about you, either."
"He won't talk to me. I called him and he did the polite thing, like I ought to try to go through his publicist or something," Chad paused, brightening a little. "Maybe I should go and let him take a swing if he wants."
Jensen rolled his eyes. "He won't take a swing at you. But yeah, you should go down and see him. When is your next couple days off?"
"Today was it for the next couple weeks. I get half a day this weekend. Three days off starting on the 12th."
“Okay. Good. When you get off on the 12th, you should head down. He's not filming anything, so he'll be home." Jensen hesitated for a moment, debating on how much he should say. “I won’t lie. He is pissed, but more than that, he's hurt, and probably kicking himself for thinking you might have been interested."
"Oh. See, that's why he should hit me." Chad nodded like it was a given, and Jensen closed his eyes for a moment, tempted to do it for Jeff.
"Before Jared and I got together, I had a fling with Jeff,” Jensen said, choosing his words carefully. “When we—He was really shy about it. He’s spent the last four years being told that he’s too old, too "D" list. Hell, his ex thought he was good enough to fuck, but not ambitious enough that she wasn't screwing four other up and coming actors. Of course, once his Grey’s stuff started showing, she called him, wanting to get together for a drink."
Chad’s eyes were wide, confused. "He didn't want me to- But God, he's gorgeous, he's... I want to...She's a bitch. Maybe we should date. Or I could slash her tires."
Jensen felt a smile touch his mouth. "How about you go talk to Jeff instead?”
Chad nodded slowly. “I—yeah. I could try. I just. How do you do it? The sex thing?”
Jensen sighed. “Um. There’s a couple of sites I can give you online that can give you a tutorial,” he offered.
“No. Not like that. I mean—how can you,” Chad gestured wildly. “It’s just.”
“I’m not following,” Jensen murmured.
Chad rubbed his stomach idly. “I just. When I was in high school, my intestines got twisted, and they removed a piece. I spent weeks in the hospital, with people poking shit in uncomfortable places every five minutes. I just can’t…it freaks me the hell out. Leaves me cold.”
Jensen winced. “Ah. Yeah, I can see…Jesus, dude. I’m sorry. There’s a world of difference between that and sex, though.”
“I know that,” Chad snapped. “It just—all the pornos I’ve seen make it look about as sexy as changing the oil in my car.”
“Yeah. They’ll do that.” Jensen sighed. “Okay, look. Jared and I—if you would like. We’re free on Sunday. We could show you-“
"Oh god. Jared told you about that one time in Australia, didn’t he," Chad groaned, ducking his head and blushing.
"Yup."
"I swear, Jen, I didn't touch him,” Chad said quickly, looking up. “It was just jerking off, and-“
"I know. It's cool. Breathe," Jensen snickered. “It’s fine.”
"You know, I said you could hit me. I didn't say you could screw with my head." Chad glared, and Jensen was suddenly reminded of the pissy little Chihuahua one of his exes had.
Jensen blinked. “What? Oh, the offer?”
“Yeah.”
“Wasn’t screwing with you. We've talked about it before. We're both good with the occasional threesome," Jensen murmured.
"With me,” Chad said sarcastically. “Right after I told you I hurt Jeff? Dude, I thought you were careful with Jared."
"I'm offering to show you how to do it so you won't hurt anyone, but I already told you that you didn't hurt Jeff," Jensen said. Jesus, he’d thought Jared was stubborn, but Chad might actually have him beat.
Chad just stared at him for a while. If he thought too much harder, Jensen thought, snickering to himself, there was gonna be smoke.
"I'll think about it," Chad finally said.
"Okay. No pressure. Just give us a call." Jared was going to love this when he got home. Jesus.
"Okay.” Chad stood up slowly. “Um. Thank you, Jen. For- yeah. Thanks."
Jensen grinned. "Don't worry about it."
“I’m going to get going. Gotta take the crew out to the dog park for a run.”
Jensen shut the door behind Chad, already dialing his cell phone.
“Hey,” Jared murmured. “What’s up?”
“You got a minute? You aren’t going to believe the afternoon I’ve had,” Jensen muttered, flopping into a kitchen chair.
Title: Kept Me Small
Authors:
nilchance and beansideRating: R
Pairing: CMM/JDM
Disclaimer: Never happened, never will. But I've got a good imagination.
A/N: Previous parts can be found here.
If he’d had to make a list of the last people he’d expect, or for that matter, want to find on his doorstep, Jensen had always figured Chad was at the top of the list. Especially after the fiasco at the club the other night.
He’d walked in to take a piss and found Chad on his knees, getting backhanded by the guy he’d just sucked off. In a public bar. In an unlocked restroom. Jesus. It was like the idiot didn’t want a career!
He’d taken care of things, shoved the guy out, gotten Chad washed up, and ice on his cheekbone. Freak accident, don’t you know. He’d been going in, and Chad was coming out, and the door had caught him. Very sad.
Jen pulled the door open reluctantly. “Hey, Murray. Jared’s at the set today.”
Chad shifted back and forth on his feet, an odd expression on his face. “I know. Can I come in?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Jensen shrugged, stepping back. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. What have you heard?” Chad limped in, moving slowly.
“Chad? What did you do to yourself?”
“Nothing,” he spat, glaring. “Stop being a douche.”
"You're not happy getting a black eye from a stranger? You want somebody who actually gives a fuck to hurt you now?" Jensen asked.
"You don't give a fuck, Jenny. You never have."
Jensen eyed him for a moment, tempted to either punch the little fuck, or toss him out on his ass. It was his day off, dammit. He didn’t need this kind of shit. But Chad was Jared’s friend. And he was eyeing Jensen warily, with a sick touch of desperation under the bravado. Fuck. "If I didn't think you were worth something, I wouldn't give you such a hard time, you ass," he sighed heavily.
“I'm not worth a goddamn thing but money, and the alimony's about knocked that out from under you,” Chad spat. His eyes narrowed a little, hardening.
Jensen rolled his eyes. "Sit down. I'll get you coffee. You can tell me what's going on."
"If I wanted talking or handholding, I'd have gone to the set,” Chad muttered, walking towards the couch anyway. After a long moment, he sighed. "Can I have mine black?"
“Fine. So, what can I do for you?" Jensen poured the coffee and sat down in the chair across from Chad.
For a moment, he thought Chad was going to bullshit or bluster, then the blond seemed to deflate in front of him. "I fucked up," he said softly.
"Okay. You fucked up. Wanna give me some details?" Jensen sat his coffee down, watching Chad as he shifted around on the sofa gingerly.
Chad was quiet for so long that Jensen was about to prompt him again. "I hurt Jeff,” he blurted suddenly.
"He sounded okay when we talked a few days ago,” Jensen lied. Truthfully, Jeff had sounded like he was miserable, but Chad didn’t deserve to know that. “What happened?"
"I—He's pissed and I wanted to know why, so I tried it, and God, Jen, I hurt him. I really hurt him. There was blood."
Jensen blinked at him. “What?” he finally asked.
“I figured he was pissed about the sex, so I tried it. With a thing.”
"You tried...oh god. You mean like with a toy?” Jensen shook his head. “That’s really not the best way to—wait, blood? Jesus, do you need to see someone?"
"Don't yell at me. You're a tool. I'm okay. I'm not gonna get blood on your couch,” Chad muttered, flushing scarlet.
"Seriously, dude. You can really fuck yourself up if you're not careful," Jensen said sharply. “I mean, big time. You need to get it checked. No fevers?"
"No. No fevers." Chad rubbed the back of his neck, ducking his head. "I talked to the medic on set. He yelled. I’m fine. Just…y’know. Superficial tear in the skin." He looked like he wanted to sink through the floor. “Can we drop this?”
"In a minute. Jesus, didn’t you even look online for how to do it? You need to prep. Lube and fingers and stretching, and a whole lot of lube on the dildo," Jensen felt his own face getting red. God had to have a grudge against him. He was sitting here, on his day off, trying to explain the mechanics of gay sex to fucking Mayhem. God hated him.
"I didn't stretch Jeff," Chad blurted.
Jensen stilled, suddenly understanding. Fuck. How did one explain this? Had he driven a busload of nuns off the road and not noticed? Why couldn’t he go to Jared for this?
"He won't want to hear from me. Call him, dude, make sure he's okay. Will he know to watch for fevers and that kind of shit? I can’t—Jen, please."
Jensen sighed. Fuck. The little bastard was really worried. "It's okay. Jeff's been doing this for awhile. He's fine. He doesn't normally need much prep anyway."
"Dude? It hurt. I was fine getting tattooed, I was okay post-surgery, but that- I scared the hell out of my neighbors."
Now there was a story for the neighborhood watch. "It was your first time, dude. Jeff's not exactly a virgin. Chances are, it stung for a minute, and then the next day, it felt like he'd overdone it at the gym. He's fine. Somehow, I don't think that's all that's bothering you, though." Jensen watched the emotions flicker across Chad’s face.
Chad shifted again. "I was trying to be the grown-up."
"Okay. How?"
"Hell, Jen, you know. 'Honk if you've been engaged to Chad.' I’m a frigging joke. I always try to make too much of stuff, and I always screw it up and it ends up in the papers and the person hates me.” Chad looked at the coffee like it held the answers of the universe. “Jeff deserves better,” Chad finally said quietly. “So I was being grown-up."
"What did you do?" Jensen closed his eyes for a moment. Jesus. What a clusterfuck. Between the two of them, there was enough baggage to put Amtrak out of business.
"I told him I had a good time and I left."
"What, right after the sex?" Jensen asked. He already knew the answer, but he was Jeff’s friend, dammit. He wasn’t going to spill his secrets.
"No." Chad shrugged, a little smile touching his lips. “I kinda fell asleep. He was warm and I was tired and we'd been drinking. And then I woke up and realized oh Christ, I'm making the same mistake, how many times do I have to screw up like this to get the message, so I left."
“So, you woke him up in the morning?" Jensen prompted.
"No. He was sleeping, so I left a note. I didn’t want to wake him,” Chad explained. “That'd be... I dunno. Rude."
"It would be rude to wake him up. But not to leave a note like he was some guy who doesn't look nearly as good when you're sober?" Jensen asked.
"No! Goddamn it, I was trying to get out of there before he realized he screwed up!" Chad said hotly.
"By making him feel like he was a sperm receptacle? C'mon, Chad" Jensen snorted. "This is Jeff. He doesn't do casual. He doesn't have sex with people he doesn't think he'll be able to talk to in the morning."
"Yeah, well. What the hell was he doing sleeping with me, then? I fuck trailer trash princesses, Jen. I fuck people as skeezy as I am. Jeff's way the hell out of my league." Chad shook his head.
"Obviously, he likes you. He considers you a friend. If he slept with you, it was because he wanted you. Not who you’ve fucked, not this dumbass alpha male bullshit you pull to push people away."
Chad rolled his eyes. "We've seen each other three times, and two of them he wanted to choke me to death. He was drunk and he was lonely and I used that because I wanted to believe it. Now it's done and I feel like crap."
"Funny, I never got the idea he disliked you. He actually seemed to like you, despite my best efforts," Jensen said, sighing. "Jeff's a romantic, dude. He seemed to think that you were a good guy."
"He knows better now," Chad spat, looking anywhere but at Jensen. His knuckles were white on the handle of the mug.
"You're not a bad guy. You just...” Jensen searched for the right words. “Jeff can come on a little strong. He's a lot like his dog. This big, overwhelming ball of affection."
Chad’s eyes snapped up to meet his. "Jeff's fine. He's a great guy, lay off him. This isn't his fault." Chad took a quick swallow of the coffee. "Anyway, it's done now. I just need to know how to say I'm sorry and then get out of his way. He's pissed now, and I screwed it up, and I want him to know it's not because I don't want- didn't want-... I wanted to stay.” Chad laid his head in his hands. “Fuck, I wanted to stay with him."
The pit of Jensen’s stomach dropped. "Oh hell. You really like him. Maybe more than like.” Why, why couldn’t Chad have gone to Jare? Seriously. This wasn’t his specialty. He’d spent last year fucking up nearly as badly as Chad. It was only because Jared was such a stubborn ass that they’d actually lasted.
"Shut up," Chad growled.
"Dude, you need to go talk to him,” Jensen sighed. “Tell him you're sorry, that you got spooked. He needs to hear it. Because until he does, he's going to think the absolute worst. Not about you, either."
"He won't talk to me. I called him and he did the polite thing, like I ought to try to go through his publicist or something," Chad paused, brightening a little. "Maybe I should go and let him take a swing if he wants."
Jensen rolled his eyes. "He won't take a swing at you. But yeah, you should go down and see him. When is your next couple days off?"
"Today was it for the next couple weeks. I get half a day this weekend. Three days off starting on the 12th."
“Okay. Good. When you get off on the 12th, you should head down. He's not filming anything, so he'll be home." Jensen hesitated for a moment, debating on how much he should say. “I won’t lie. He is pissed, but more than that, he's hurt, and probably kicking himself for thinking you might have been interested."
"Oh. See, that's why he should hit me." Chad nodded like it was a given, and Jensen closed his eyes for a moment, tempted to do it for Jeff.
"Before Jared and I got together, I had a fling with Jeff,” Jensen said, choosing his words carefully. “When we—He was really shy about it. He’s spent the last four years being told that he’s too old, too "D" list. Hell, his ex thought he was good enough to fuck, but not ambitious enough that she wasn't screwing four other up and coming actors. Of course, once his Grey’s stuff started showing, she called him, wanting to get together for a drink."
Chad’s eyes were wide, confused. "He didn't want me to- But God, he's gorgeous, he's... I want to...She's a bitch. Maybe we should date. Or I could slash her tires."
Jensen felt a smile touch his mouth. "How about you go talk to Jeff instead?”
Chad nodded slowly. “I—yeah. I could try. I just. How do you do it? The sex thing?”
Jensen sighed. “Um. There’s a couple of sites I can give you online that can give you a tutorial,” he offered.
“No. Not like that. I mean—how can you,” Chad gestured wildly. “It’s just.”
“I’m not following,” Jensen murmured.
Chad rubbed his stomach idly. “I just. When I was in high school, my intestines got twisted, and they removed a piece. I spent weeks in the hospital, with people poking shit in uncomfortable places every five minutes. I just can’t…it freaks me the hell out. Leaves me cold.”
Jensen winced. “Ah. Yeah, I can see…Jesus, dude. I’m sorry. There’s a world of difference between that and sex, though.”
“I know that,” Chad snapped. “It just—all the pornos I’ve seen make it look about as sexy as changing the oil in my car.”
“Yeah. They’ll do that.” Jensen sighed. “Okay, look. Jared and I—if you would like. We’re free on Sunday. We could show you-“
"Oh god. Jared told you about that one time in Australia, didn’t he," Chad groaned, ducking his head and blushing.
"Yup."
"I swear, Jen, I didn't touch him,” Chad said quickly, looking up. “It was just jerking off, and-“
"I know. It's cool. Breathe," Jensen snickered. “It’s fine.”
"You know, I said you could hit me. I didn't say you could screw with my head." Chad glared, and Jensen was suddenly reminded of the pissy little Chihuahua one of his exes had.
Jensen blinked. “What? Oh, the offer?”
“Yeah.”
“Wasn’t screwing with you. We've talked about it before. We're both good with the occasional threesome," Jensen murmured.
"With me,” Chad said sarcastically. “Right after I told you I hurt Jeff? Dude, I thought you were careful with Jared."
"I'm offering to show you how to do it so you won't hurt anyone, but I already told you that you didn't hurt Jeff," Jensen said. Jesus, he’d thought Jared was stubborn, but Chad might actually have him beat.
Chad just stared at him for a while. If he thought too much harder, Jensen thought, snickering to himself, there was gonna be smoke.
"I'll think about it," Chad finally said.
"Okay. No pressure. Just give us a call." Jared was going to love this when he got home. Jesus.
"Okay.” Chad stood up slowly. “Um. Thank you, Jen. For- yeah. Thanks."
Jensen grinned. "Don't worry about it."
“I’m going to get going. Gotta take the crew out to the dog park for a run.”
Jensen shut the door behind Chad, already dialing his cell phone.
“Hey,” Jared murmured. “What’s up?”
“You got a minute? You aren’t going to believe the afternoon I’ve had,” Jensen muttered, flopping into a kitchen chair.
