And then, there's a bearded fetus.

Why stop today? I've got a few other fanvids that I love, so I'm going to share them the rest of this week!



I've actually got more videos than I have week, so there may be some next week, too.

Though, I know I've posted the "You told the Drunks I knew Karate" SGA video at least once. But I'll probably do it again because that really started my love affair with vids.

I've gotten away from them after Marvel, because I haven't really been horribly fannish over things, but hopefully, something will come along and hit that fannish button.

Yesterday I rode the struggle bus. Dad was very fussy and in a lot of pain and seemed to be calling for Jess every three minutes. I felt a little bad, because I couldn't do anything but sit there and take calls. I know that's my job, and I like the job. I just hate that I can't be more helpful. Add in that my shoulder was peeved and I think I was getting overstimulated due to lowered amount of cope.

I only had one meeting yesterday, because a morning manager's meeting went overtime. So I just had my meeting with the Quality Parnter. She seemed very nice. She said she'll warn me when she starts seeing my calls so it won't be a shock. The other meeting got moved to Tuesday the 21st. I was hoping I'd be able to do a half day for Jess' birthday, but doesn't look like it.

Today shall be a quiet day, and tomorrow I shall have my 1 on 1 for April. I'm kind of looking forward to that, so I know where I stand. I think I'm doing well, but it'll be nice to have confirmation.

Hopefully, Dad'll feel better today, and there'll be less yelling. It's horrible when he gets like that. I feel bad for him, because I know whaat that kind of pain is like, but goddamn, he has absolutely no chill. The slightest inconvenience or pain will turn him into a fussy two year old. Well, except that he's yelling "fuck!" and "shit!" Last night got into the "let me die." territory, which we've asked him not to do, because it's upsetting, but he doesn't listen. He seems a little quieter this morning, so we'll see how the day goes.

Jess has a busy week next week. They have their birthday on Tuesday, and they're getting their hair dyed and cut. Then, on Thursday, it's off to get a birthday tattoo! We'll probably celebrate their birthday on the weekend, since I won't be able to grab cupcakes during the week, since all the good bakeries are closed by the time I get off work.

Okay, on that note, it's time to think about getting dressed. Everyone have a wonderful Wednesday! You're halfway there!

A little Måneskin for your Monday morning, in case you need something with a beat to wake you up. I went with the lyrics video, because the actual one is a little too sexual for a 6am on a Monday.

Yesterday was kind of a wash of a day. I got up early to play in coyotegestalt's game, which was a lot of fun. I play the cleric, which is one of my favorite classes to play. (The other two are Wizard and Bard.). I enjoyed sowing chaos (which honestly is my true class. No matter what I play, I play chaos).

Once we finished that, the tired rushed up over me like a wave, so I agreed when Jess told me to go lay down. I got up after about an hour. I didn't really sleep much, but I did rest, so I felt less like an overtired two year old. Unfortunately, about two hours later, the toddler was back. I considered having more coffee, but, 1. I don't think there was enough coffee in the world. And, 2. I was afraid it would make it difficult for me to fall asleep.

Much as it sucked, I cancelled the 5:30 game and went back to bed. I hated doing it, but I wouldn't bave been at all good to DM. I couldn't think my way out of how to microwave french fries, let alone figuring out how to react to my players machinations.

Today, I shall have a typical Monday--lots of talking, lots of calls. Tomorrow I have my meetings. First up is my 90 day check in. Second is my first meeting with the person who will be scoring my calls. So that'll be interesting. And of course, I'll have to find time to vote tomorrow.

Even with sleep, I'm still a little tired today. My sleep debt was deeper than an extra two hours could make up for. But it's better than it was, and that's the important part.

Okay, time for me to go forth and get my ass together for a busy day at work. Everyone have the very best Monday that you can have!

It's Saturday!! Whoo! And yet I'm still up by 6:15! Whoo?

Thankfully, yesterday the pain management doctor was easy. I was there less than an hour total, and walked out with a prescription for Tramadol, and a promise to continue prescribing for 3-4 months. The pain management doctor said that he was not a shoulder doctor, but that the MRI didn't sound great.

I set up an appointment for a consult with the doctor who did my brother in law's shoulder surgery. Hopefully, he'll be a bit better than the last one. That's not until the 21st, though.

I downloaded the images off my chart, so I could put the file on a thumb drive for the doctor, so I present to you: My MRI money shot:


Looking at it, I'm not sure how the original ortho thought it wasn't a full tear? I'm not sure what the white is, but I'm guessing it shouldn't be there. And it's definitely the full 1.47cm. So, we'll see what the second doctor says. I don't want surgery, but I also don't feel like I'm going to get better on just physical therapy. I think some sort of medical intervention might be needed. Everything I've read says that tears don't get better on their own. All PT does is strengthen the muscles around the tear to compensate. With tears in both the supraspinatus and infraspinatus tendons, I feel like it would be difficult to compensate.

All I know is that it hurt so bad last night that it woke me up and kept me up for a good hour and a half while the tramadol kicked back in. Fortunately poisontaster was awake and listened to me babble for a while.

Today we have accupuncture intake appointments. Mine is at 9 and Jess' is at 11. They did accupuncture for their migraines a long time ago and found it helpful. We just haven't been able to afford it, and the insurance didn't cover it. But Hopkins does, so we might as well use it. And honestly right now I'll take all the help I can get.

Once we finish that up, we're grabbing lunch and hurrying home for game at 2:30pm. Today's game is a monster of the week, set in New Orleans. It's 100% out of my little brain, but fortunately, most of it was planned out a couple of months ago. So it's all good.

Okay, time to go forth and figure out what one wears to one's first accupuncture visit.

Everyone have an amazing Saturday!

It's Thursday and we're sliding towards the end of the week! We can do it!

Yesterday I had my ortho appointment. It...did not go as well as I could have hoped. The doctor had already decided that any damage I had was because I'm 51. He was more concerned about me not having a primary care doctor than anything I had to say. He also said that he thought the radiologist was wrong and that it wasn't a full thickness tear. He informed me that a lot of 50 year olds have rotator curr tears, and most of them don't even know it, because it's just normal wear and tear. I tried to explain that the really bad pain happened after helping the paramedics put dad to bed, but that didn't seem to make a difference. He prescribed physical therapy and nothing else. He "can't" prescribe pain medication, and suggested going to pain management to deal with my various aches and pains.

I felt so small and stupid. How dare I bother him for something as trivial as a normal facet of aging? I wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry, but instead I went to work. By the time afternoon rolled around, I was pissed. I did make an appointment with a pain management clinic for tomorrow, but I'm also thinking about finding another ortho and getting a second opinion. Maybe they tell me the same thing. It's possible. But I feel like I got hung out to dry with this one. Please go do potentially painful physical therapy with nothing but ineffective over the counter NSAIDS, which will 100% wreck your stomach and cause new problems. If the second ortho agrees with the first than I'll deal with it, but I need someone to actually listen to what I say.

So, I'm looking at potential doctors. I don't *want* surgery. I just want someone to validate that yes, I have an injury. Not an inevitable part of aging, an injury. And tell me how to heal it, or at least reduce the pain.

It just was not a good visit, and I'm still salty about it.

After all that, work was a bit of a struggle, but I did okay. Only 46 calls, but still. Then we had game, which was a lot of fun. I'm weaving a bit of a twisty plot with Blades in the Dark, and it's going to be interesting to see what happens next session.

Tonight we have another game, this one the one based loosely on the movie Toys. Then, tomorrow, we have a continuation of another game. Which I need to do some serious prep for. I have literally done nothing. I have no maps, no plot, so that's what I'm going to be working on this morning.

Okay, I should get to work on that. Everyone have an excellent Thursday!

We survived Monday, y'all! We were busy as hell most of the day. I barely had a second to breathe between calls. Only took 53, because I had some long ones in there. Also, I was lightly drugged, as the shoulder was pissed off, so that may have slowed me down a bit, too.

Despite tbe busy, it was a good day for my ego. First, my manager emailed me my April stats. Just for the last couple of weeks of the month. They were well within the levels they want from people who have been there for a while. From me, they currently want 30 calls a day and a hold time and after call work of 3 minutes. Mine came in at 40 calls average and hold time of 1:50 and after call work of 1:29. She also mailed them to her manager and the site manager. Within five minutes, I had two congratulatory emails from them, which had me preening.

Then, after lunch, I took a call from a very sweet gentleman. I did my normal schtick, and chatted while I made his appointment. And when I asked if there was anything else I could do for him, he asked for a supervisor so he could tell them how wonderful I was. I got a supervisor for him, and wished him a good day, then moved on.

About fifteen minutes later, a blast email goes out to the whole site, telling everyone that "One of their newest friends decided to make waves in the best possible way." It was from the manager who's excited that I play D&D and would like me to DM a game for the call center and included a meme about "They laughed when I pulled out my dice--Nat 20."

I'd seen the emails of praise for people before, but it did not occur to me that the same would happen in this case. My coworkers replied all telling me that I did a great job. Then another email came in, this with a certificate and a link to the front page of the intranet, where my compliment had been posted.

At about this point, I considered climbing under the desk, because that was a lot. Having come from the shitshow that was 911, it was definitely surprising.

Next week, I have three meetings. My 90 day check in, my first meeting with the Quality team and my April 1 on 1. This of course, means that I have to wear a bra repeatedly, which is somewhat uncomfortable with the shoulder, but I shall deal.

Tomorrow, I have to get up super early for the Ortho. I'm still waiting to see if my sister can go in late so Jess can come with me. Hopefully, her boss will email her today.

I'm nervous about the appointment. I'm hoping he's nice and that he'll understand that I can't commit to immediate surgery. It's going to have to be in June at the earliest, or possibly even later, depending on how much time I'll need to take off from work. I currently have 20 hours of PTO, which I can't take for another week until I've been there 90days. I figure if I can push it to June, I'll have 30 hours, which is slightly better? If I'm going to need a lot of time off, I'm going to have to wait til September, when I can take short term disability.

But I won't know anything until tomorrow, so I'm going to try to put it out of my mind until then.

Everyone have an excellent Tuesday!

It's a 2 game Sunday! Whoo! (And I'm not running either of them.). Our first game is a continuation of one from earlier this year, run by coyotegestalt and the the evening game is a campaign run by poisontaster. I'm looking forward to playing with various pharmaceuticals to augment my characters tendencies towards bad life choices. (Seriously, Irsu the wizard with even less impulse control is just a fireball waiting to happen.)

Tramadol continues to be magical. It's kept the pain down to a dull roar, even after I showered and stupidly washed my hair with both hands. It's going to be a learning experience, figuring how to do shit without pain.

I must have found a good position to sleep, though. My shoulder isn't hurting much this morning, even before meds.

Three more days til the ortho appointment. I'm still trying to keep anxiety at bay, but it's difficult. Every ache and stabbing pain is a little reminder that my shoulder is a mess.

Oh, and my (former) primary care doctor, the ones who closed the location I went to and the doctor quit sent me a portal message with my results. Y'all, I "have significant injury and chronic changes," and if I need referrals, I should contact them. Mind you, not if I need assistance, because from my appointment with their nurse practitioner, that's 100% off the table.

Apparently they signed on for the state of MD to send out surveys looking at their primary care satisfaction. It came in yesterday, and may I say they did not get a good rating.

Yesterday we played Monster of the Week. One of our players had to work, so we just did a fucked up little one shot involving a pack of orphans and a teenage firestarter. It was pretty fucked up, but fun.

This week is back to back games starting on Wednesday and going straight through the weekend. A LOT of games. Some of which I still need to do some prep work for. So that'll be the rest of my Sunday as well as my Monday and Tuesday mornings.

Okay, time for me to take some meds and get ready for our morning game. Everyone have a wonderful Sunday!

Another night, another lack of sleep. Painsomnia sucks. It's like I'm not even taking my Ambien. Shoulder has been hurting a lot the last couple of days. I think they way they had me hold my arm during the MRI pissed it off, and it's just stayed angry.

It was bad enough yesterday that I reached out to my primary care to ask for some sort of pain medication to hold me until my ortho appointment on Wednesday. It was a wasted televisit. She gave me prescription strength Alleve. Whoo. I wasn't asking for Fentanyl, for Pete's sake. Maybe just a tramadol or Lortab? But no, I am obviously a drug seeker and she can't possibly help me.

I don't understand. It's not like I fell off a bike and am a little bruised up. I have a demonstrable tear all the way through my muscle, and another smaller tear in a second muscle. I have an MRI that plainly says that my shoulder is fucked. But no, I can't have something to help the pain so I can fucking sleep.

Last night, I was really down. I felt like Eyeore from Winnie the Pooh. The lack of sleep combined with the constant pain is really messing with me. My coping skills are in the toilet. A few paper bags slipped off the shelf in the kitchen, and I sat there getting teary because it just overwhelmed the cope I had at that moment.

I'm still a little down, I have to admit. I'm 51 years old, and this is my first serious injury, which is pretty good, but that also means that I'm having to rewrite my perception of myself. I think part of it is that I'm scared about what this means for treatment, and also I'm kind of grieving the me of before--the me who would get shit done no matter what. Now I'm the one who can't lift her arm over her head or pick up anything heavier than my purse.

This morning, I have a televisit with my psych doctor at 9. Last time we talked, I was having some anxiety issues. He's going to ask how I'm doing now, and I'm going to laugh.

Work is going well. I'm averaging close to 50 calls per day and making about 35 appointments a day. I need to watch my MRI's a little closer, because I've screwed up and put patients on the wrong magnet a couple of times a day. (Some body parts, they want the higher resolution magnet.). So I'm going to try to watch that.

Tonight we have D&D which I've been looking forward to all week! We've got a lot to happen this week! With it being our one player's last game, there's some things I need to get done. I don't generally have a schedule for games, and I wouldn't say I have one for tonight, but I do have an idea about timing for this session. There are certain things that need to happen, and I've got a pretty good sense of how long I need them to take. Fortunately, there's only two big set pieces, and the rest is downtime activities, so we should be good.

Okay, time to get myself together. I need to look reasonably presentable for my appointment.

Greetings on this lovely Wednesday! Happy Beltane!! Another night where I didn't sleep great. I'm not particularly tired, so it's definitely going to kick my ass later today.

Yesterday managed to go very slowly and very quickly. It was slow while I was waiting for MRI results, and once they came in, the rest of the day was kind of a blur. I did 54 calls, and around 30 appointments, so I continue apace. Right now, after I finish the call, I'm filling out a spreadsheet with the patient's name and appointment, so that my trainer can check them. That's taking an extra 45 seconds per patient, so once I'm allowed to stop that, I'll probably do more calls per day.

The results seemed to take roughly forever to come in. After I had such trouble holding completely still, I was terrified that they were going to say "we can't read this shit, do it again," but the report didn't say a word about that. I had told Jess that my biggest fear was that it would show something stupid like a muscle strain, and I was being a baby. I also said if it was going to be anything, I kind of wanted it to be pronounced, so it was more of a "how are you doing this much?" instead of feeling like I was wasting the doctor's time.

Around 2:30, the results finally dropped into my portal, and oooh, boy. To quote:

1. Full-thickness tear of the supraspinatus, measuring 1.5 cm AP dimension; tendinosis and low-grade interstitial tear of the infraspinatus; and tendinosis of subscapularis; mild diffuse rotator cuff muscle atrophy.
2. Moderate to severe acromioclavicular arthropathy.
3. Mild-to-moderate glenohumeral cartilage disease.

Nothing like dueling rotator cuff tears, plus moderate to severe damage to the joint and mild damage to the cartilage. Oh, and tendinosis and muscle atrophy. It's a lot to unpack. I spent the rest of the day in mild shock. I'm still kind of there, to be honest.

My thought process:


It's slowly sinking in all the things I shouldn't do. Mostly helping with dad. I cant pull the sit/stand any more. Pulling him up in bed just got more complicated, since I can probably only do it with one arm. I feel kind of bad that I'm not going to be able to help Jess as much.

With the primary care practice closing the office I went to and the doctor seemingly gone, I have no idea if they're going to call me to give me the results. Either way, I scheduled an appointment next Wednesday at 7:30am to see an ortho. It was for the 20th, but it occurred to me that I should check the other office, and that one they had a super early appointment, which is what I needed. I can't really take time off work until after my 90days, which granted is in 2 weeks, but still.

I'm really hoping we can try physical therapy and steroid shots to start. I'm not really into the idea of surgery. And if that's what it needs, it's going to be a few months before I can consider it, because I currently have 20 hours of PTO in my bank, and I don't think that's going to cut it.

As I mentioned to poisontaster , I'm realizing how much of my self worth is tied up in what I can do for other people. I'm taking a bit of a hit there right now, and I'm not liking it. I'm also realizing that it might be a touch fucked up that I've been continuing to do my normal caretaking things while I was hurting. I mean, I don't know what else I could do, but in retrospect, it was probably not good.

Okay, time for me to consider pants for the day. Everyone have an excellent day!

This morning's subject line brought to you by this Stargate: Atlantis vid, which popped into my mind this morning.



It's going to be disgustingly hot today and I am not here for it. It seems like we skipped spring entirely and are going from late winter directly to summer. IT means that my office is going to be stifling, and my fan is going to be running on high. Tomorrow it's supposed to be almost as hot. Wednesday it's supposed to go down a little, but damn. Here's hoping the AC can keep up with it, unlike last year.

We're supposed to take my sister's car to the garage this morning for an oil change and to see why it's squealing and knocking. I suspect it's not going to be a cheap fix. She'll take my car until hers is done, which is fine, I'm not using it for my rigorous commute from the couch to the bedroom where my office is.

Once she gets home, I'll be running around the beltway to Hopkins to get my shoulder MRI. I'm both dreading it and looking forward to it. Dread, because I'm a little claustrophobic, and it is not my idea of fun. But on the other hand, I really want to know why I'm hurting so much. As I said to Jess, if I don't get at least a partial tear of the rotator cuff, I'm going to be annoyed. At least with the Hopkins portal, as soon as it's read, it'll publish, and I'll see it before my doctor calls. (Assuming someone is going to call. With that branch of the practice shutting down and my doctor apparently leaving the practice, I'm not really sure.) So many of my illnesses are invisible, and subject to doubt from doctors that I just want something to show up on this scan. I want it to be something concrete that I can point at.

Something I could do physical therapy for would also be nice. I would really like to be able to make it better, because I'm tired of not being able to reach for things without pain. And not just a twinge. This is full "stop what youre doing and just breathe with tears in your eyes" kind of pain. And of course, it's my dominant hand, so I do most of my daily hygiene with it. At the risk of TMI I'm seriously a little terrified that I won't be able to wipe my butt if it gets worse. It's already uncomfortable to wash my hair with it.

But first, I have a day of calls to get through. Mondays are usually busy, and this will be my first on the phone by myself, so we'll see how this goes.

I had a really nice weekend, ending off with a game that I thoroughly enjoy running. Next week is going to be interesting, as I'll have the first weekday games since I started the new schedule. Fortunately the first one is GMed by poisontaster so I'm just a player. It's going to be strange trying to scramble from finishing work at 6 (if I'm lucky and there's no late calls) to being ready for game at 7.

I got some awesome news yesterday from poisontaster. She'd had to drop out of Frostmaiden early in the game, but would like to come back and rejoin. So on Friday, I'll be reweaving her character in, even as I'm preparing for another player's departure due to a new job. It's the perfect time for it, as we're about to start a new (hopefully exciting) arc that is kicked off by the departing player's actions.

And now, it's time to follow my sister up to the shop for her car. Everyone have a delightful Monday!

It's Saturday! A fairly busy Saturday at that. Though I got some of the stuff out of the way early, so it might not be so bad. We went last night and picked up some groceries and hit the dispensary, so that's two things out of the way. I still have to help my sister color the back of her hair, grab my own shower, take Jess to their tattoo consult, and then the work party. It's going to be a busy day, but at least tomorrow I can mostly take it easy.

Yesterday was a total clusterfuck with dad. The agreed upon plan is that we get him up at my lunch, and then I work, and we put him back when I'm done work for the day. Usually it ends up being about 4-5 hours. Lately, though, he's been wanting to go back almost immediately, which means that my lunch break lasts about 10-15 min. I've been resenting the hell out of it, but yesterday nearly had me ready to scream. We got him up, got him settled. That takes about...12 min? Then, I went in the kitchen to break down the Costco grocery delivery into meal sized bags. (No one needs to cook 9lbs of ribs at once.) I'm almost done that (which took about another 10 minutes) and I hear the tv getting louder and louder. (He has earphones that let him hear the tv and no one else.) So, I stuff the last bit of ground beef in a bag, and go out to check. Sure enough, he's unconnected his earphones and is putting the tv louder and louder trying to make it come back. I told him I'd fix it, and did, but he was very unhappy. Right then, I knew he was going to do it again, and sure enough, he says "put me back to bed." We pointed out that it's better for his lungs to sit up, and he says "If I die, I die." Dear reader, I nearly had a rage blackout. I bit my tongue and we put him back to bed, and got him situated. By the time that was done, I had a whole 3 minutes of lunch to sit and relax. I was so angry I couldn't see straight. I wanted to just scream and sob and say unforgivable things. Instead, I made coffee and rice and went back to work.

I just really resent giving up 95% of my lunch break every goddamn day. This job is not easy. I have to be on every time the phone rings (53 calls yesterday) and by the end I'm really tired. A 40 min break midday would be really helpful. I'm just so angry at him, and I don't quite know what to do with it.

It doesn't help that the pulling and tugging getting him up and putting him back to bed is hard on my shoulder. It's not the pain like when I reach above my head, it's just an...awareness of the muscle. If it gets any worse, I don't know what I'll do. At least I was able to move my MRI up to Monday night. Of course, then it's the question of who is going to give me the results. I got an email yesterday that the office closed, effective the day that I went. My doctor doesn't seem to be on the website for any of their other sites, so I have no clue. I assume someone is going to tell me. Fortunately, I'll have the results long before then, as they'll download to my Hopkins patient portal automatically. She also gave me a prescription for muscle relaxants and steroids. I'm holding the steroids til after the MRI, just so it shows the reality of the inflammation and...whatever it is that I'm dealing with.

Okay, time to go grab a shower and get ready for the day. Everyone have a wonderful Saturday!