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beansideYou probably should get a drink before you brave this one. We were away for a week, and we have much babbling to do.
Disclaimer #1: We didn't really adore Montreal. If this offends you, don't read.
Disclaimer #2: Teesa seemed to be going out of her way to be religiously offensive during the writing of this. If that bothers you, don't read. *grin*
Nix and Teesa's Excellent Adventure
Stardate: 03.22.2002
We left from Baltimore around 1:00p.m. This was good, as it allowed us to get above NYC traffic before rush hour. Drove until 6:30, stopped in Albany, NY for dinner. Yay, us. Ate at the American Café, which was pretty good. While in restroom, Teesa found out from some of the area's inhabitants that snow squalls were expected for that evening.
Boo, hiss.
After deliberation, and with a desire not to get stuck in "East Bumfuck, NY," we decided to push onwards. Made it about an hour before the snow began.
Upon careful consideration (i.e., looking out the windshield and seeing white), we decided to stop for the night. Yay.
At the next exit, we were given the choice between something called the "Lakeview Palace Motor Lodge" (which sounded a little too schizophrenic for us) or the Super 8 Motel. Ew.
Since the road was getting slick we opted for the Super 8. It had double beds. Oh, the joy. Watched the Weather Channel, and discovered that after a month and a half of "above average" temperatures, we were getting stuck in 3-6 inches of "lake effect" snow.
Oh, shit.
Decided that there wasn't anything we could do, and settled in for a uncomfortable, and restless night.
Stardate: 03.23.2002
Woke up early, and peered out the window. Guess what? There wasn't any more snow on the ground than when we went to bed. Talked to a man at the "complimentary Continental Breakfast bar" which consisted of bad coffee and a Twinkie. He was coming from North, and kindly told us that if we'd pushed on another ten miles, we'd have been out of the snow. Bastard.
Got in our car and drove some more. Adirondack mountains are lovely, truly beautiful. Stopped at Plattsburgh, NY McDonalds for last food served by English-speaking people. (This turned out to be debatable--white trash, anyone?) Nice view of the river, but the trashy environment took away from it. Should have been a sign.
Border crossing turned out to be traumatizing. Again, should have been a sign. Missed turn off for US Customs office, and ended up in the truck exportation area. This meant that we got to hike back to the office, past the border crossing area, the nice men with automatic rifles, to the office. Once there, had to hike further to find an entrance.
Eventually got where we needed to be, without getting shot. Filled out form stating that laptop was ours before crossing border, so as not to be charged for it, and trekked back to car.
Crossing the Canadian border was dirt simple. Asked a total of four questions, none of which I'd have answered truthfully if I were a terrorist, and was welcomed to Canada.
Found Montreal easily. Could not find the street that our hotel was on, however. Bastards. Finally realized that the stupid shits named one street Clarke and the other Clark. Notice the huge difference. Began to have misgivings after crossing the nice Old Port tourist area, and heading into an area that boasted such quality establishments as "Pussy Corps," as well as a bar that advertised "Laps Dancing."
Nix saw our street, complete with XXX Cinema on the corner. Circled and found the Angelica Blue Bed and Breakfast. Nice old brick rowhouse. Shit neighborhood, across from both police dept and hospital. Oddly didn't see police until day we left.
Found parking around the corner, and trekked to the house. Unfortunately, it had snowed earlier in the week, and apparently, Montreal's snow removal system is a little dicey. After managing not to faceplant on the ice, we were shown to our room.
Our room was the "Arctic Room." What this seemed to mean is that the walls were a cool gray, our bed was a sleigh bed, and the picture on the wall was of a cute little snowshoe hare. Awww. We also had a wonderful bathroom, complete with whirlpool tub, brick walls, and a ledge big enough to sit on.
Took a walk around the area after settling in. We'd been given the brief orientation by our BnB manager, whereupon she'd held up the map and pointed at the Berri/UQAM stop, and said "We're here--right around the corner."
After a ten minute walk down past the sex shops, we found it.
Now, let me say a few words on temperature. The week before we arrived, the average temperature in Montreal was a comfortable 50-60 degrees Fahrenheit. Several days before we arrived, it plummeted. The high during our stay was an unpleasant 42 degrees. However, this was accompanied by a vicious wind, which made it feel like a balmy 15.
So, here we are, hiking through the city, with panhandlers accosting us every 30 feet (we had no Canadian money, having been advised to hit an ATM machine once we were there for the best rates.)
Finally found a shopping mall, which had an ATM, as well as a nice little diner type place to eat. The food was adequate, and the waiter actually spoke fairly good English. After dinner, tired and a little disillusioned, we hiked back to the BnB, and after a small nervous breakdown by Teesa, struggled to stay awake until a reasonable hour.
This involved watching bad television on one of three English speaking channels. After some debate, we settled on Psi Factor.
The story involved an autistic boy at his summer camp, and his sudden onset of telekinetic powers. It turned out that he had an evil conjoined twin, who had been living in his side for 19 years. This is much like the South Park episode, but not done as well.
The twin's name was Tim, which caused much giggling, as the actor, who deserves an award for keeping a straight face, smacked at his ribs, yelling "Bad Tim, no Tim!"
We are, in fact, four year olds.
Finally went to bed around nine and slumped into unconsciousness, after discussion that if Montreal didn't improve, we were out of there. Yay.
Stardate: 03.24.2002
Woke to the sound of someone in the kitchen, and trooped downstairs for breakfast. Food was very good, consisting of cinnamon French toast and coffee. Yay, coffee.
We took a tour of the city, which included a trip to St. Joseph's Oratory, the shrine of which made Nix's muses poke her for the first time in a week. Yay, for morbid Catholicism. It was very pretty, and very oppressive and gothic. It was also rather schizoid to come out of the somber church to see the gaily decorated gift shop, where you could buy dish towels with the images of the Oratory as well as a replica of the small red glass container that holds Brother Andre's heart. Gotta love those crazy Catholics.
The rest of the tour was fun, but we were left with the feeling that Montreal, while pretty, wasn't all that. For the afternoon, we went to the ISci Center, and played their interactive game, in which you tried to save a researcher on a space station by piloting little nanoprobes. The woman looked freakily like Lisa Marie, and the entire game was built on sending you on little guilt trips. "Oh, look, the other researcher is her husband, he's pleading with us to save her." "Oh, he loves her so." "Oh, look, the nanoprobe has found out that she's pregnant!" "We must save them!"
Sadly, technogeek instincts took over, and Teesa turned into Dirty Harry on the little parasites, thus saving the beautiful and tragic Susan. The host then compounded Teesa's embarrassment by pointing her out and giving her a gift slip for a free play. Since the next English presentation wasn't until 5:30, we passed, heading out to explore the Old Port.
Whoopee. The old port, while lovely, was also overpriced, and boring. We did stop for souvenirs, which got one thing out of the way. Then, we grabbed a cab, the driver of which spoke about as much English as we did French, and headed for the main reason we chose Montreal. The Gay Village.
What a dump.
It had some interesting stores, and a Gay Subway Sub Shop, but all in all, was like the rest of the city. Not what we were hoping for. We had a very nice dinner in the Village at the Saloon.
The Saloon's main claim to fame appeared to be it's pretty waiters, it's gothic décor, and the enormous nude paintings on each wall. We were right at home.
Teesa only wished she had one of the nude female paintings, instead of all male. The male paintings were slightly out of proportion, in that their breasts were rather rounded, and the cocks were on the small, and ill defined side.
The question was raised, how could two dykes know about the misproportions of the cocks. Nix's retort was that "I may never have driven a Jeep, but I think I'd know if one was missing a wheel."
Hit a couple gay porn shops on the way home, including Priape, where we scared the all-male clientele by happily bopping down into their leather cellar. Teesa was unable to convince Nix to buy the cute vest that laced in unique ways, fine for a man, but pornographic for a woman.
Were directed to the nearby "ladies shop," but alas, were unable to find the ever elusive silicone dildo of our dreams.
After that, we went home, briefly stopping to get coffee and chocolate cake before settling in to watch the Oscars.
God, we hate the Academy. And John Williams. And Russell Crowe.
Ian McKellen and his boyfriend were the highlight. So cute! And all gropy.
Went to bed at one, after catching a newscast that informed us that we were in for more goddamn snow on Tuesday.
Decided to ditch Montreal and make this into a road trip.
Stardate: 03.25.2002
Decided to go visit Bio Dome before we left. Had concocted a bullshit story about Teesa's sister going into early labor. (She's not pregnant, nor likely to become so, but we had trouble feeling guilty, as the website sold it as a "College area, suitable for families)
We discovered yet another problem as we hopped in the cab. French pronunciation is not something either of us is particularly good at, so when Teesa blithely said "Bio Dome (bye-oh-dohme), we wasn't shocked when he stared, uncomprehending. "Uh…bee-oh-doh-meh?" Teesa stammered. Hey, it worked!
Bio Dome was cute. They had about 6 different kinds of little monkeys, all bouncing from treetop to treetop. In the polar area, they had an equal number of different kinds of penguins, and a Canadian Lynx. So Cute!
In phenomenal act of stupidity, decided to take the Metro back to our hotel, and hike the rest of the way. Made it to our street, shivering, and stopped around the corner to call Teesa's family, so in the event that the hotel should call to check, they would corroborate our story.
As we hung up the phone, we were accosted by yet another homeless person, asking "how much" in heavily accented English. Thinking he was just a very demanding street person, we offered him all the change Teesa had, a mere 50 cents.
He shook his head, and stepped closer, saying something neither of us understood, but we got the gist. We were being mugged.
Beginning to get the idea, we quickly stepped back towards the main street. Fortunately, we were close enough to make it before he could stop us. However, that wasn't it. He followed us for several blocks, until we ducked into the UQAM registrars office, and headed for security.
One problem. Security didn't speak English, and didn't seem to have a clue what we wanted from him. We ducked behind a staircase, and watched as our new stalker wandered in and out a couple times, and began to pace in front of the building.
In retrospect, we're kind of wondering if he didn't think we were hookers, with the whole "how much" thing. Either way, it was scary as hell.
We debated calling the police, but with the language problems, there wasn't much to say. "He made vague, incomprehensible demands, then walked down a main street we were walking down, too!" Yeah, right.
Eventually, he went away, and we called a cab to drive us the 3 blocks to our BnB, hoping he wouldn't be on that street.
As we drove, Nix said shakily, "well, at least we won't have to use the pregnancy story."
We probably should have.
Upon calling the BnB office, Teesa was given a guilt trip ("We don't normally give refunds, you know, we've had other people ask about reservations, and we turned them down, we're going to be out money.") and told that she was over-reacting ("I lived in Miami, I understand the mentality, but this is Montreal, things like that just don't happen here.)
After quizzing us with more hostility than any defense attorney could manage, Linda (the bitch) finally agreed to only charge us for the two nights we'd been there, and one additional, since "they couldn't possibly find someone for the room on such short notice."
Mind you, we were the only ones staying there. It's not like people were clamoring to stay in the snow next to the Laps Dancing.
After some tense moments while we walked around the back to get our car, we loaded up and got the hell out of Montreal.
Approaching the US Customs, our anxiety mounted--would it be a problem that we were leaving early? Would they search the car?
We should have asked, "Would they even bother to glance up at us as they waved us through?"
The sole official question was "are you both citizens?" Mind you, they didn't even look at our licenses to verify our yes answers.
Then, our customs officer engaged us in small talk about our trip. Our best guess was that she was thinking of going to Montreal.
Bet she doesn't now.
Stopped for greasy Mc Donald's food just past the border around one thirty. Ahh, heaven.
Took off down the mountains like our asses were on fire, and didn't stop for seven straight hours.
Hit some snow, but remembering the last time, we pushed through it, and sure enough, ten minutes later, we were in the clear.
We finally stopped when we hit the New Jersey Turnpike, right around Rutgers University.
Had dinner at Fudruckers, where we could have been eating sawdust, hungry as we were. Conveniently, there was a Howard Johnson's hotel next door, and we flopped for the night, happy to be back on Non-Montreal soil.
Stardate: 03.26.2002
The next morning, we headed for breakfast down the road. I immediately remembered why I hate New Jersey. (Sorry, Sel) To make a left hand turn, you make a right turn, and are whipped around a little circle, which then dumps you at the light, so you can make your left. Go figure.
Nix chose a place called Le Peep, which turned out to be heaven in a little Belgian Waffle. Nice place, cheap prices, good food. Yay!
Over breakfast, we decided to turn west, and head towards Lancaster, Pennsylvania. We figured we'd play in Amish Country, visit Hershey, and also visit the winery we like.
For our trip, we'd purchased a copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on audiotape. Today, we finally finished it, and lucky you, you get to read our blabbing about it.
Damn, for a book that started out all fluffy, this got really dark, really fast. However, it was also damned good. We will be looking into getting the others as soon as we get back.
We hit Hershey first. This is home of Hershey Chocolate, and they built an amusement park around it, complete with a attraction called "Hershey's Chocolate World," an anamatronic ride that shows you how chocolate is made.
After lunch which consisted of three scoops of ice cream, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and a brownie, all topped by a chocolate cow, we took the trolley tour of the area, which gave us even more chocolate.
After that, we decided that it was time to find accommodations. Our first-third choices were booked/way too expensive, so we called the Hershey Holiday Inn Express, which was not only reasonable, but available, and had and indoor pool!
This necessitated a trip to Fashion Bug for swimsuits. Yay, us.
While chatting about the things we wanted to do, we lounged in the jacuzzi.
Stardate: 03.27.2002
When we awoke this morning, it was to enjoy another of the Holiday Inn's perks. Namely their breakfast bar. Fortified on bagels, cream cheese and a crappy cheese danish, we headed over to see the Amish.
Fresh off the prior night's pillow talk, Teesa was under a gag order. She'd had a rambling diatribe on how your kids could have a picture in the Amish hats, with free chin yak for the boys with every picture. And for the girls, a nice play on the evils of women. And that was the nicer things she said.
On the drive over, she continued, making up sign language for assorted religions, most of which got her gaped at. Teesa is going into the Pagan Do Not Recycle Bin.
She's taking you all with her, too.
The Amish farm was informative, yet boring. Way too much spewing of information. However, after the tour, we went to the farmyard and played with the goats and sheep. Then, we took a buggy ride. Jess rode up front, with our nice Amish Leprechaun tour guide, and got to drive. After a narrow escape from an obviously deranged oak, we headed back to the car, and trekked further down the road to buy hex signs.
For strict religious people they sure do a lot of pagan-y stuff.
Had lunch and as usual, was told the life story of our waitress. Is there a sign on one of our foreheads? Jeeze.
Got wine. Were happy.
Came home with a brief stop at the local library, only to find that their internet was for "research only."
Ah, bite me, then.
Went to the movies, and saw Blade II. This prompted us to change our movie ratings system to accommodate it's suck factor. Cause, damn.
Had dinner at Applebee's, scared our neighboring booths, as we discussed our ratings system of "Vibrating/Flaming dildos."
Came back to the hotel, and hit the whirlpool. Unfortunately, the pool was populated by munchkins, so we'll just get up early and swim.
Stardate: 03.28.2002
Got up early and took a little swim before breakfast. After a shower, it was time to check out and head over to ZooAmerica, Hershey's little zoo. As we entered the zoo after paying, unearthly sounds began to emanate from down in the zoo. We looked down to see the beautiful white wolf standing on her rock, howling while the rest of the pack joined in. Twas deeply cool.
The zoo is just a little thing, but it's fun. When we were walking around, one of the zookeepers was showing a new teenage volunteer around. The teenager had the braincells of a rabbit on speed, but the other woman was deeply cool.
We found out that the cute little pissy bobcats names were Amber and Dylan, and that their black shadow wolf's name is Dakota.
After that, we stopped in the gift shop, and found of all things, a little stuffed bobcat. It's so Casper. Nix has it sitting on Teesa's head as she's typing.
Next stop was Hershey's Chocolate World, where we again took the tour ride, singing along with the little jingle at the end. From our seats, we even did a little dance. It was pretty sad.
We bought some chocolate,(Yay, chocolate!) and headed for our last activity of vacation, Indian Echo Caverns. Probably a good thing we saved it.
See, to get down to the caves, you have steps. 72 of them. Ouch. And to get out, you have to come right back up them. Ouch again. The caves were pretty, and damp. We both were wondering why we bothered with a shower that morning. We could have just stood still and had the same effect.
It's truly breathtaking to see some of the rock formations, and the underground pool was doubly cool, but all in all, it seemed like the $9 admission price was a little steep for what you got.
Not a buggy ride in sight, afterall.
The last stop before home was lunch at Hoss', which we'd been anticipating for days. After pigging out, we headed home, to slump in exhaustion.
All in all, it was a fun vacation. Montreal might not have been our favorite place in the world, but it had some high points. And Hershey/Lancaster was a blast. And if nothing else, it gave us a week away from our normal lives, which, after all, is what we wanted.
Disclaimer #1: We didn't really adore Montreal. If this offends you, don't read.
Disclaimer #2: Teesa seemed to be going out of her way to be religiously offensive during the writing of this. If that bothers you, don't read. *grin*
Stardate: 03.22.2002
We left from Baltimore around 1:00p.m. This was good, as it allowed us to get above NYC traffic before rush hour. Drove until 6:30, stopped in Albany, NY for dinner. Yay, us. Ate at the American Café, which was pretty good. While in restroom, Teesa found out from some of the area's inhabitants that snow squalls were expected for that evening.
Boo, hiss.
After deliberation, and with a desire not to get stuck in "East Bumfuck, NY," we decided to push onwards. Made it about an hour before the snow began.
Upon careful consideration (i.e., looking out the windshield and seeing white), we decided to stop for the night. Yay.
At the next exit, we were given the choice between something called the "Lakeview Palace Motor Lodge" (which sounded a little too schizophrenic for us) or the Super 8 Motel. Ew.
Since the road was getting slick we opted for the Super 8. It had double beds. Oh, the joy. Watched the Weather Channel, and discovered that after a month and a half of "above average" temperatures, we were getting stuck in 3-6 inches of "lake effect" snow.
Oh, shit.
Decided that there wasn't anything we could do, and settled in for a uncomfortable, and restless night.
Stardate: 03.23.2002
Woke up early, and peered out the window. Guess what? There wasn't any more snow on the ground than when we went to bed. Talked to a man at the "complimentary Continental Breakfast bar" which consisted of bad coffee and a Twinkie. He was coming from North, and kindly told us that if we'd pushed on another ten miles, we'd have been out of the snow. Bastard.
Got in our car and drove some more. Adirondack mountains are lovely, truly beautiful. Stopped at Plattsburgh, NY McDonalds for last food served by English-speaking people. (This turned out to be debatable--white trash, anyone?) Nice view of the river, but the trashy environment took away from it. Should have been a sign.
Border crossing turned out to be traumatizing. Again, should have been a sign. Missed turn off for US Customs office, and ended up in the truck exportation area. This meant that we got to hike back to the office, past the border crossing area, the nice men with automatic rifles, to the office. Once there, had to hike further to find an entrance.
Eventually got where we needed to be, without getting shot. Filled out form stating that laptop was ours before crossing border, so as not to be charged for it, and trekked back to car.
Crossing the Canadian border was dirt simple. Asked a total of four questions, none of which I'd have answered truthfully if I were a terrorist, and was welcomed to Canada.
Found Montreal easily. Could not find the street that our hotel was on, however. Bastards. Finally realized that the stupid shits named one street Clarke and the other Clark. Notice the huge difference. Began to have misgivings after crossing the nice Old Port tourist area, and heading into an area that boasted such quality establishments as "Pussy Corps," as well as a bar that advertised "Laps Dancing."
Nix saw our street, complete with XXX Cinema on the corner. Circled and found the Angelica Blue Bed and Breakfast. Nice old brick rowhouse. Shit neighborhood, across from both police dept and hospital. Oddly didn't see police until day we left.
Found parking around the corner, and trekked to the house. Unfortunately, it had snowed earlier in the week, and apparently, Montreal's snow removal system is a little dicey. After managing not to faceplant on the ice, we were shown to our room.
Our room was the "Arctic Room." What this seemed to mean is that the walls were a cool gray, our bed was a sleigh bed, and the picture on the wall was of a cute little snowshoe hare. Awww. We also had a wonderful bathroom, complete with whirlpool tub, brick walls, and a ledge big enough to sit on.
Took a walk around the area after settling in. We'd been given the brief orientation by our BnB manager, whereupon she'd held up the map and pointed at the Berri/UQAM stop, and said "We're here--right around the corner."
After a ten minute walk down past the sex shops, we found it.
Now, let me say a few words on temperature. The week before we arrived, the average temperature in Montreal was a comfortable 50-60 degrees Fahrenheit. Several days before we arrived, it plummeted. The high during our stay was an unpleasant 42 degrees. However, this was accompanied by a vicious wind, which made it feel like a balmy 15.
So, here we are, hiking through the city, with panhandlers accosting us every 30 feet (we had no Canadian money, having been advised to hit an ATM machine once we were there for the best rates.)
Finally found a shopping mall, which had an ATM, as well as a nice little diner type place to eat. The food was adequate, and the waiter actually spoke fairly good English. After dinner, tired and a little disillusioned, we hiked back to the BnB, and after a small nervous breakdown by Teesa, struggled to stay awake until a reasonable hour.
This involved watching bad television on one of three English speaking channels. After some debate, we settled on Psi Factor.
The story involved an autistic boy at his summer camp, and his sudden onset of telekinetic powers. It turned out that he had an evil conjoined twin, who had been living in his side for 19 years. This is much like the South Park episode, but not done as well.
The twin's name was Tim, which caused much giggling, as the actor, who deserves an award for keeping a straight face, smacked at his ribs, yelling "Bad Tim, no Tim!"
We are, in fact, four year olds.
Finally went to bed around nine and slumped into unconsciousness, after discussion that if Montreal didn't improve, we were out of there. Yay.
Stardate: 03.24.2002
Woke to the sound of someone in the kitchen, and trooped downstairs for breakfast. Food was very good, consisting of cinnamon French toast and coffee. Yay, coffee.
We took a tour of the city, which included a trip to St. Joseph's Oratory, the shrine of which made Nix's muses poke her for the first time in a week. Yay, for morbid Catholicism. It was very pretty, and very oppressive and gothic. It was also rather schizoid to come out of the somber church to see the gaily decorated gift shop, where you could buy dish towels with the images of the Oratory as well as a replica of the small red glass container that holds Brother Andre's heart. Gotta love those crazy Catholics.
The rest of the tour was fun, but we were left with the feeling that Montreal, while pretty, wasn't all that. For the afternoon, we went to the ISci Center, and played their interactive game, in which you tried to save a researcher on a space station by piloting little nanoprobes. The woman looked freakily like Lisa Marie, and the entire game was built on sending you on little guilt trips. "Oh, look, the other researcher is her husband, he's pleading with us to save her." "Oh, he loves her so." "Oh, look, the nanoprobe has found out that she's pregnant!" "We must save them!"
Sadly, technogeek instincts took over, and Teesa turned into Dirty Harry on the little parasites, thus saving the beautiful and tragic Susan. The host then compounded Teesa's embarrassment by pointing her out and giving her a gift slip for a free play. Since the next English presentation wasn't until 5:30, we passed, heading out to explore the Old Port.
Whoopee. The old port, while lovely, was also overpriced, and boring. We did stop for souvenirs, which got one thing out of the way. Then, we grabbed a cab, the driver of which spoke about as much English as we did French, and headed for the main reason we chose Montreal. The Gay Village.
What a dump.
It had some interesting stores, and a Gay Subway Sub Shop, but all in all, was like the rest of the city. Not what we were hoping for. We had a very nice dinner in the Village at the Saloon.
The Saloon's main claim to fame appeared to be it's pretty waiters, it's gothic décor, and the enormous nude paintings on each wall. We were right at home.
Teesa only wished she had one of the nude female paintings, instead of all male. The male paintings were slightly out of proportion, in that their breasts were rather rounded, and the cocks were on the small, and ill defined side.
The question was raised, how could two dykes know about the misproportions of the cocks. Nix's retort was that "I may never have driven a Jeep, but I think I'd know if one was missing a wheel."
Hit a couple gay porn shops on the way home, including Priape, where we scared the all-male clientele by happily bopping down into their leather cellar. Teesa was unable to convince Nix to buy the cute vest that laced in unique ways, fine for a man, but pornographic for a woman.
Were directed to the nearby "ladies shop," but alas, were unable to find the ever elusive silicone dildo of our dreams.
After that, we went home, briefly stopping to get coffee and chocolate cake before settling in to watch the Oscars.
God, we hate the Academy. And John Williams. And Russell Crowe.
Ian McKellen and his boyfriend were the highlight. So cute! And all gropy.
Went to bed at one, after catching a newscast that informed us that we were in for more goddamn snow on Tuesday.
Decided to ditch Montreal and make this into a road trip.
Stardate: 03.25.2002
Decided to go visit Bio Dome before we left. Had concocted a bullshit story about Teesa's sister going into early labor. (She's not pregnant, nor likely to become so, but we had trouble feeling guilty, as the website sold it as a "College area, suitable for families)
We discovered yet another problem as we hopped in the cab. French pronunciation is not something either of us is particularly good at, so when Teesa blithely said "Bio Dome (bye-oh-dohme), we wasn't shocked when he stared, uncomprehending. "Uh…bee-oh-doh-meh?" Teesa stammered. Hey, it worked!
Bio Dome was cute. They had about 6 different kinds of little monkeys, all bouncing from treetop to treetop. In the polar area, they had an equal number of different kinds of penguins, and a Canadian Lynx. So Cute!
In phenomenal act of stupidity, decided to take the Metro back to our hotel, and hike the rest of the way. Made it to our street, shivering, and stopped around the corner to call Teesa's family, so in the event that the hotel should call to check, they would corroborate our story.
As we hung up the phone, we were accosted by yet another homeless person, asking "how much" in heavily accented English. Thinking he was just a very demanding street person, we offered him all the change Teesa had, a mere 50 cents.
He shook his head, and stepped closer, saying something neither of us understood, but we got the gist. We were being mugged.
Beginning to get the idea, we quickly stepped back towards the main street. Fortunately, we were close enough to make it before he could stop us. However, that wasn't it. He followed us for several blocks, until we ducked into the UQAM registrars office, and headed for security.
One problem. Security didn't speak English, and didn't seem to have a clue what we wanted from him. We ducked behind a staircase, and watched as our new stalker wandered in and out a couple times, and began to pace in front of the building.
In retrospect, we're kind of wondering if he didn't think we were hookers, with the whole "how much" thing. Either way, it was scary as hell.
We debated calling the police, but with the language problems, there wasn't much to say. "He made vague, incomprehensible demands, then walked down a main street we were walking down, too!" Yeah, right.
Eventually, he went away, and we called a cab to drive us the 3 blocks to our BnB, hoping he wouldn't be on that street.
As we drove, Nix said shakily, "well, at least we won't have to use the pregnancy story."
We probably should have.
Upon calling the BnB office, Teesa was given a guilt trip ("We don't normally give refunds, you know, we've had other people ask about reservations, and we turned them down, we're going to be out money.") and told that she was over-reacting ("I lived in Miami, I understand the mentality, but this is Montreal, things like that just don't happen here.)
After quizzing us with more hostility than any defense attorney could manage, Linda (the bitch) finally agreed to only charge us for the two nights we'd been there, and one additional, since "they couldn't possibly find someone for the room on such short notice."
Mind you, we were the only ones staying there. It's not like people were clamoring to stay in the snow next to the Laps Dancing.
After some tense moments while we walked around the back to get our car, we loaded up and got the hell out of Montreal.
Approaching the US Customs, our anxiety mounted--would it be a problem that we were leaving early? Would they search the car?
We should have asked, "Would they even bother to glance up at us as they waved us through?"
The sole official question was "are you both citizens?" Mind you, they didn't even look at our licenses to verify our yes answers.
Then, our customs officer engaged us in small talk about our trip. Our best guess was that she was thinking of going to Montreal.
Bet she doesn't now.
Stopped for greasy Mc Donald's food just past the border around one thirty. Ahh, heaven.
Took off down the mountains like our asses were on fire, and didn't stop for seven straight hours.
Hit some snow, but remembering the last time, we pushed through it, and sure enough, ten minutes later, we were in the clear.
We finally stopped when we hit the New Jersey Turnpike, right around Rutgers University.
Had dinner at Fudruckers, where we could have been eating sawdust, hungry as we were. Conveniently, there was a Howard Johnson's hotel next door, and we flopped for the night, happy to be back on Non-Montreal soil.
Stardate: 03.26.2002
The next morning, we headed for breakfast down the road. I immediately remembered why I hate New Jersey. (Sorry, Sel) To make a left hand turn, you make a right turn, and are whipped around a little circle, which then dumps you at the light, so you can make your left. Go figure.
Nix chose a place called Le Peep, which turned out to be heaven in a little Belgian Waffle. Nice place, cheap prices, good food. Yay!
Over breakfast, we decided to turn west, and head towards Lancaster, Pennsylvania. We figured we'd play in Amish Country, visit Hershey, and also visit the winery we like.
For our trip, we'd purchased a copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on audiotape. Today, we finally finished it, and lucky you, you get to read our blabbing about it.
Damn, for a book that started out all fluffy, this got really dark, really fast. However, it was also damned good. We will be looking into getting the others as soon as we get back.
We hit Hershey first. This is home of Hershey Chocolate, and they built an amusement park around it, complete with a attraction called "Hershey's Chocolate World," an anamatronic ride that shows you how chocolate is made.
After lunch which consisted of three scoops of ice cream, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and a brownie, all topped by a chocolate cow, we took the trolley tour of the area, which gave us even more chocolate.
After that, we decided that it was time to find accommodations. Our first-third choices were booked/way too expensive, so we called the Hershey Holiday Inn Express, which was not only reasonable, but available, and had and indoor pool!
This necessitated a trip to Fashion Bug for swimsuits. Yay, us.
While chatting about the things we wanted to do, we lounged in the jacuzzi.
Stardate: 03.27.2002
When we awoke this morning, it was to enjoy another of the Holiday Inn's perks. Namely their breakfast bar. Fortified on bagels, cream cheese and a crappy cheese danish, we headed over to see the Amish.
Fresh off the prior night's pillow talk, Teesa was under a gag order. She'd had a rambling diatribe on how your kids could have a picture in the Amish hats, with free chin yak for the boys with every picture. And for the girls, a nice play on the evils of women. And that was the nicer things she said.
On the drive over, she continued, making up sign language for assorted religions, most of which got her gaped at. Teesa is going into the Pagan Do Not Recycle Bin.
She's taking you all with her, too.
The Amish farm was informative, yet boring. Way too much spewing of information. However, after the tour, we went to the farmyard and played with the goats and sheep. Then, we took a buggy ride. Jess rode up front, with our nice Amish Leprechaun tour guide, and got to drive. After a narrow escape from an obviously deranged oak, we headed back to the car, and trekked further down the road to buy hex signs.
For strict religious people they sure do a lot of pagan-y stuff.
Had lunch and as usual, was told the life story of our waitress. Is there a sign on one of our foreheads? Jeeze.
Got wine. Were happy.
Came home with a brief stop at the local library, only to find that their internet was for "research only."
Ah, bite me, then.
Went to the movies, and saw Blade II. This prompted us to change our movie ratings system to accommodate it's suck factor. Cause, damn.
Had dinner at Applebee's, scared our neighboring booths, as we discussed our ratings system of "Vibrating/Flaming dildos."
Came back to the hotel, and hit the whirlpool. Unfortunately, the pool was populated by munchkins, so we'll just get up early and swim.
Stardate: 03.28.2002
Got up early and took a little swim before breakfast. After a shower, it was time to check out and head over to ZooAmerica, Hershey's little zoo. As we entered the zoo after paying, unearthly sounds began to emanate from down in the zoo. We looked down to see the beautiful white wolf standing on her rock, howling while the rest of the pack joined in. Twas deeply cool.
The zoo is just a little thing, but it's fun. When we were walking around, one of the zookeepers was showing a new teenage volunteer around. The teenager had the braincells of a rabbit on speed, but the other woman was deeply cool.
We found out that the cute little pissy bobcats names were Amber and Dylan, and that their black shadow wolf's name is Dakota.
After that, we stopped in the gift shop, and found of all things, a little stuffed bobcat. It's so Casper. Nix has it sitting on Teesa's head as she's typing.
Next stop was Hershey's Chocolate World, where we again took the tour ride, singing along with the little jingle at the end. From our seats, we even did a little dance. It was pretty sad.
We bought some chocolate,(Yay, chocolate!) and headed for our last activity of vacation, Indian Echo Caverns. Probably a good thing we saved it.
See, to get down to the caves, you have steps. 72 of them. Ouch. And to get out, you have to come right back up them. Ouch again. The caves were pretty, and damp. We both were wondering why we bothered with a shower that morning. We could have just stood still and had the same effect.
It's truly breathtaking to see some of the rock formations, and the underground pool was doubly cool, but all in all, it seemed like the $9 admission price was a little steep for what you got.
Not a buggy ride in sight, afterall.
The last stop before home was lunch at Hoss', which we'd been anticipating for days. After pigging out, we headed home, to slump in exhaustion.
All in all, it was a fun vacation. Montreal might not have been our favorite place in the world, but it had some high points. And Hershey/Lancaster was a blast. And if nothing else, it gave us a week away from our normal lives, which, after all, is what we wanted.
