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One month on...
Happy belated holidays to all who celebrate. It's been a weird season for me. First up was my birthday, which was harder in some ways than Christmas. To start with, I don't really like my birthday. It's just not traditionally been a good day for me. With it being so close to Christmas, it's usually kind of ignored. Add to that, someone in my family usually was sick for it. Somewhere in my thirties, I threw a shitfit about the way my sister (an August baby) got her perfect party everytime, with the food she wanted, the cake she wanted, and I frequently got whatever was easiest. (That was the year I got an ice cream cake when I can't eat ice cream due to congestion issues.) In retrospect, I feel bad about the shitfit, but the fact remains. Birthdays suck for me.
Last year's party was postponed a week due to having to have the dog put to sleep on the 17th.
This year, we did it a day early, since my sister was off, and I got off early. It was a good day, with tasty food, and awesome homemade cupcakes with homemade cream cheese frosting. I love my sister, and I appreciated her trying for me.
I would have given anything for my mother to present me with a shitty ice cream cake.
Christmas, Shelly again did her somewhat manic best to make things perfect. It was very nice. I kept trying to remember last Christmas. I couldn't remember a fucking thing. I guess everyone wishes they'd known it was the last anything.
We had a really good Thanksgiving, before she died. We'd gone to Cracker Barrel for food, and it was really good. Low key, and relaxed. That Saturday, she was gone. I knew it was probably the last Thanksgiving. She'd had two cardiac arrests just before Halloween, and we knew. I just figured we'd have a Christmas.
I'm still a little numb, but it's starting to sink in. I'm starting to think I should call my therapist, Diane and make an appointment soon. I didn't want to waste her time while I was too numb to think straight. I know they get busier at the holidays, and I didn't want to take the time from someone who could use it. I think I'm almost ready.
Aside from that, all is status quo. I've picked up a couple of extra hours at work, so next week's check will be nice. Jess and I might take a weekend in January or February and get away for a weekend. Now to decide, Virginia, Pennsylvania, or other? Anything within a three hour drive is good for a weekender. Maybe Rehoboth? How's that for a winter weekend?
Last year's party was postponed a week due to having to have the dog put to sleep on the 17th.
This year, we did it a day early, since my sister was off, and I got off early. It was a good day, with tasty food, and awesome homemade cupcakes with homemade cream cheese frosting. I love my sister, and I appreciated her trying for me.
I would have given anything for my mother to present me with a shitty ice cream cake.
Christmas, Shelly again did her somewhat manic best to make things perfect. It was very nice. I kept trying to remember last Christmas. I couldn't remember a fucking thing. I guess everyone wishes they'd known it was the last anything.
We had a really good Thanksgiving, before she died. We'd gone to Cracker Barrel for food, and it was really good. Low key, and relaxed. That Saturday, she was gone. I knew it was probably the last Thanksgiving. She'd had two cardiac arrests just before Halloween, and we knew. I just figured we'd have a Christmas.
I'm still a little numb, but it's starting to sink in. I'm starting to think I should call my therapist, Diane and make an appointment soon. I didn't want to waste her time while I was too numb to think straight. I know they get busier at the holidays, and I didn't want to take the time from someone who could use it. I think I'm almost ready.
Aside from that, all is status quo. I've picked up a couple of extra hours at work, so next week's check will be nice. Jess and I might take a weekend in January or February and get away for a weekend. Now to decide, Virginia, Pennsylvania, or other? Anything within a three hour drive is good for a weekender. Maybe Rehoboth? How's that for a winter weekend?
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In winter I look for places "below the pansy line" -- that shifting invisible boundary between places where pansies wait for spring and places where there are enough in winter bloom to make a show. Coastal Virginia is well South of it; not as sure about PA and the Continental climate.
My imagination is terribly one-note in the depths of winter. Longwood Gardens (in Kennett Square, I think?), or any other garden with a glasshouse full of blossom and scent, is where I'd be headed. By February they'll have little bulb iris blooming in indigo and violet against a brown oak-leaf carpet.
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