![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
But as I get older I get more afraid
Ugh, I did not want to get out of bed today. The morning just came way earlier than it needed to. I'm shotgunning some coffee now, so hopefully that'll help.
Work was more boring than I'd expected. J had done most of the project folder, so it took us maybe 45 minutes to finish it off. After that, my markets were easier than expected, and so I was done everything well before lunch. I picked up an unassigned market, but it had all of two lines that needed to be worked, so that didn't take long at all. Mostly, I sat and played on my phone and occasionally chatted with the friends I talk to at work.
Once we were done, it was hamburger time. That's something Dad will actually eat, so there were no comments from the peanut gallery, which is always nice. He still feeds some to the dog, but less than most other things. I don't think he gets enough protein, but there's not a whole lot I can do about that. He's off protein shakes, and he just won't eat enough dinner to make a difference. Not anything I can do about it, but it worries me.
I had a bit of a meltdown after we tucked Dad in. He seemed a little unsteady, and that worries me. The fact is, we can't handle him if he gets less mobile. We're just not able bodied enough for that to be a viable option. So, all that anxiety kind of welled up. Then Jess had the nerve to be nice to me and tell me that I don't have to shoulder everything, and I just cried.
The fact is, if I pay for it, I feel like it's my responsibility and I pay for everything. So, when the internet has issues, or someone's phone doesn't work right, or I haven't taken dad for his labwork, I feel bad and obsess. Which I know is not sustainable, but I can't help it. This is why I'm in therapy.
Today, I feel...anxious. I guess one good cry doesn't clear shit up. But there's a few things that I can do to feel less anxious. First, I can take down the Kallax unit and put up a smaller shelving unit. As it stands, there's no way to get a stretcher into the house should dad have problems. The sliding door doesn't open far enough and the Kallax unit blocks the front door, and that makes me anxious. There's a unit that I think would work, so I'm going to set about getting that together. If I can remove some of the free-floating anxiety, I'll be able to focus on the important stuff.
Jess thinks that maybe I have ADHD. I will admit, while I'm on TikTok, the various ADHD related posts sound familiar, so it's possible. I don't know if I want to be tested, but I will consider it.
Okay, guess it's time to get ready for a long day of work. I have the inbox, so at least I won't be thoroughly bored. Everyone have a lovely day!
Work was more boring than I'd expected. J had done most of the project folder, so it took us maybe 45 minutes to finish it off. After that, my markets were easier than expected, and so I was done everything well before lunch. I picked up an unassigned market, but it had all of two lines that needed to be worked, so that didn't take long at all. Mostly, I sat and played on my phone and occasionally chatted with the friends I talk to at work.
Once we were done, it was hamburger time. That's something Dad will actually eat, so there were no comments from the peanut gallery, which is always nice. He still feeds some to the dog, but less than most other things. I don't think he gets enough protein, but there's not a whole lot I can do about that. He's off protein shakes, and he just won't eat enough dinner to make a difference. Not anything I can do about it, but it worries me.
I had a bit of a meltdown after we tucked Dad in. He seemed a little unsteady, and that worries me. The fact is, we can't handle him if he gets less mobile. We're just not able bodied enough for that to be a viable option. So, all that anxiety kind of welled up. Then Jess had the nerve to be nice to me and tell me that I don't have to shoulder everything, and I just cried.
The fact is, if I pay for it, I feel like it's my responsibility and I pay for everything. So, when the internet has issues, or someone's phone doesn't work right, or I haven't taken dad for his labwork, I feel bad and obsess. Which I know is not sustainable, but I can't help it. This is why I'm in therapy.
Today, I feel...anxious. I guess one good cry doesn't clear shit up. But there's a few things that I can do to feel less anxious. First, I can take down the Kallax unit and put up a smaller shelving unit. As it stands, there's no way to get a stretcher into the house should dad have problems. The sliding door doesn't open far enough and the Kallax unit blocks the front door, and that makes me anxious. There's a unit that I think would work, so I'm going to set about getting that together. If I can remove some of the free-floating anxiety, I'll be able to focus on the important stuff.
Jess thinks that maybe I have ADHD. I will admit, while I'm on TikTok, the various ADHD related posts sound familiar, so it's possible. I don't know if I want to be tested, but I will consider it.
Okay, guess it's time to get ready for a long day of work. I have the inbox, so at least I won't be thoroughly bored. Everyone have a lovely day!