Fic: Life Is Made of Flickers

[beanside]

Title: Life Is Made of Flickers
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, and I make no money off this.
Summary: Cougar's life changes in an instant.
Warning: Babyfic.



Cougar was half dozing in front of the television when he got the call. When he’s not planning on paying attention and just wants some background noise, he puts on Telemundo, finds one of the soap operas his Abuelita would have watch. It’s comforting, reminds him of his family. Over the sound of an attractive woman’s impassioned plea to her love, he heard the chirp of his phone ringing. It was the normal ring, not the team’s ringtone, so he took his time grabbing it.

When he answered, his voice was husky, rough with sleep. It’s an out of country number, and he wondered who in his family would be calling. Most of his near family is long dead--only leaving a few second or third cousins. He hadn’t seen any of them in years.

“Hola?”

The voice was familiar, but it took a moment to place it. His great aunt, sister to his abuelita. Her voice sounded so tired, strained. “It’s Kesa.”

His second cousin. Nice girl. He had babysat her a few times when they were younger, went on a double date with her and her high school boyfriend the last time he saw her. He remembered her laughing and bright.

“What happened?”

“There was an accident…Carlos. She is gone. But they saved the baby.”

He hadn’t even known she was pregnant. “Oh, Nana, I am sorry.”

“Carlos, you need to come home. Kesa wanted you to come,” she said, voice hitching.

“I will be there soon. How is the baby?”

“She is holding on. Kesa named her Marita. She is very small, and they are worried that with the accident…”

“I will be there.”

He had to dial Clay’s number twice, because he kept trying to dial before the tone. “I need a flight home as soon as possible.”

Clay didn’t bother to answer him, just hung up. Three minutes later, he called back. “You’re leaving from Fort Dearborn in forty minutes. Pack light.”

Turned out that when Clay said pack light, he meant whatever you could sit on top off in a B2. He was in Spain before the sun set, and to the hospital a short ten minutes later. One thing he would give Clay, the man knew the right people, and they all owed him favors.

His aunt was waiting, and led him to the nursery. “She has taken a turn,” Nana murmured, smiling. “They think she will be able to go home at the end of the week.”

He smiled gently and looked in the observation window. Marita looked small, but there were no machines around her save monitors. “That is wonderful.”

“I am an old woman, Carlos,” she said hesitantly.

“Never, Nana.”

“Kesa wrote a will out before she passed. She had bad dreams earlier this year. I think she knew that she would not be here for Marita. She wanted you to be her guardian.”

For a long moment, Cougar couldn’t speak. Then, he babbled like Jensen on a caffeine rush. “I--I cannot, Nana. My work--and I know nothing about children. I barely ever come home. I cannot-”

“Kesare wanted Marita to be raised in the US. By you. She said you had honor. She knew you would protect her.”

What could he say to that? “I don’t know anything about children, Nana!”

“No parent does. Besides, you helped your friend, that nice Jensen with his niece. You know some. You will learn. It was Kesa’s last wish, Carlos. Would you deny her that?”

Damned Catholic guilt. Nana was almost as good as her sister at it. Next thing you knew, she’d bring up Uncle Manuel.

“And her closest living relative…I don’t want Manuel to have her.”

“Yes, Nana. I will raise her.”

She smiled at him sweetly. “Good. I will come to live in America once I sell my house. I want to be close to my great-grandchild.”

That got a real smile from him. She would drive him crazy, but he would like her nearby so he could keep an eye on her.
After all, she was his Nana. “I will call my friends, make arrangements.”

“Good. But first, come meet your adopted daughter.” She led him into the room and introduced him to the nurses. Before he could protest, he was plopped into a rocking chair, and a tiny, tiny person was being laid in his arms.

“Hola, carina,” he murmured softly.

She looked at him, wide eyes sleepy and sweet, and Cougar felt something in his chest lurch.

He’d never thought about having children. When your primary job was to kill people, it just didn’t seem like a life goal that one should have. But here, with her resting so trustingly in his arms…

He felt more whole than he had in years.

“I’m here, nina,” he whispered. “I’ll never let anyone hurt you. And you’ll have a whole pile of uncles with guns to make sure of it.” Vaguely, he realized that the nurses were buzzing around them, doing their jobs, and that his nana had murmured something about calling the lawyer to have the paperwork done, but his world, his universe, was the small squirming bundle in his hands.

A lifetime later, after he’d fed and changed her under the head nurse’s watchful eyes, he left the nursery.

How the world had changed so much in twenty minutes, he didn’t know. But it had. He had changed.

Clay answered his phone on the first ring. “Did you make it all right? What’s going on?”

“I got here fine. Thank you. Clay… I, I need to quit the team.”

Clay was silent for a long few moments, and Cougar braced for anger, disbelief.

“Okay. What’s going on?”

“My cousin passed. Hit and run car accident.” Cougar wondered absently if they’d had the funeral yet. He would like to be there for it, if not. “She was pregnant. She listed me as the baby’s guardian.”

Another silence then a soft sigh. “I understand. I’m sorry about your cousin.”

“Thank you. God, what am I thinking? I am a killer. I should not have a baby!”

“You’re a good, honorable man, Cougs. You’re going to be a good father. Now. What do you need us to do before you come back?

“I…do not know. I will need a crib…or a bassinet. And diapers. And clothes. And a…I don’t know.” Cougar could feel his breath coming faster, and he took a moment to calm down. “I don’t know what I’ll need. I-Maybe Jolene would know. Or Shannon. I should call Jensen.”

“Okay. You call Jensen, I’ll call Pooch, we’ll work it out. We’ll get the stuff you’ll need right away, and have it waiting. You’ll need to get a car seat for the flight. And maybe one of those sling things that Shannon always used to carry Dianna in.”

Cougar swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Gracias. I will call Jensen.”

“Okay. No worries, okay dude? We’ve got your back.”

“She is lucky to have her Uncle Clay.” And so am I, he added silently.

“We’ll see if she still thinks so when she starts dating.”

The thought was enough to make him break out in a cold sweat. “Never. Not until she is forty.” He hung up with Clay still chuckling.

Jensen picked up the phone on the second ring. “Coug, everything okay? Clay said you had to go home.”

He hadn’t realized how much he’d been holding in until he heard Jensen’s voice. Then, something deep unknotted, and he heard himself telling Jen everything. His cousin, the baby, his worries, everything.

Jensen was quiet for a long moment when he finished. “Okay. I’m sorry about your cousin, dude. You showed me the pictures of her once. She was adorable. But really. You’ll do great. And Diana’ll babysit. Hell, assuming you can pull Shannon away from her long enough to let Di do it. And you’ve got us. We’ll help you out.

“I know.” Cougar found himself smiling despite everything. “I know. Do you think Shannon would have any idea of what kind of things a five day old needs? Clay is going to coordinate shopping, but he does not know either. I will have enough things for a few days, but…”

“I’ll take care of it. Does she need paperwork?”

“I--No. I think Nana mentioned having to see the lawyer about it. I will let you know. Nana is planning to move to be with her after she sells her house, so she might need some help.”

“Got it. We’ll take care of it. Do you want me to start looking at two bedroom apartments?” Jensen asked. “We can move you before you come home if you want.”

“No. She’ll be in my room for now. I think I will look at houses. Nothing too pricey, maybe something that needs work done. With a porch, and a fenced backyard for her to play in.” Cougar smiled a little imagining it. “I will send you a picture of her.”

“You’d better.”

“I will. Thank you.”

“That’s what we’re here for. Hey, you want me to stay with you the first few weeks while you’re both getting acclimated? I can sleep on your couch.”

“You don’t have to do that-”

“Hell, I practically live on it now. Plus, I like kids.”

“Okay. That would be good. Thank you.” Cougar smiled. It was true. Jensen ended up crashing at his place more often than not. He’d often joked that they should move in together. It made things harder, though. Harder to pretend that all he wanted was to be friends with Jensen. Really, he wanted so much more.

But friends would do. Jensen was a good friend, the best. That was enough. And if sometimes, he burned for more…well that was his problem, not Jensen’s.

He did not need to know about the times Cougar would go out while they were on R&R, and find a blond haired boy to spend the night with. They weren’t Jensen, but sometimes, with a little tequila and some imagination, he would pretend.

He’d stopped doing it, because the next day, he always felt monstrous, like he was betraying his best friend.

Jensen would be fine with him liking the occasional variety in bed partners. He was very liberal about those things. What he would think to find that Cougar had spent more than one night imagining his rough hands splaying over Jensen’s lean hips…that, he was not sure.

Only two members of his team had ever known. Clay…he did not care. Roque’s opinion of him had changed, not that he had ever said so. It was just a feeling that he got, that Roque had lost respect. For one thing, he refused to share a tent or room with Cougar. He always worked it so that he was in a solo or with Pooch or Clay. Then again, maybe that was his version of matchmaking. With Roque, who knew?

The next morning was spent with his cousin’s solicitor, a stern, humorless man. He made no secret of his dislike for Cougar’s job, repeatedly questioning Nana as to whether she really wanted him to have custody. “Once she is in the Estados, he can do anything, and you will have no standing. Kesare was young, she did not know what kind of man he really was.”

Nana was steadfast, and before long he had the paperwork that he needed to get her into the US. The adoption would be finalized soon after.

****

The flights home were painfully long. London’s Heathrow airport was huge, and loud, and Marita wouldn’t sleep while they were there. Or maybe that was excitement from the first flight. Either way, she was fussy, making tiny unhappy noises. She never cried, though. Cougar had yet to hear her work herself up into a full out crying jag.

But finally, they landed in Chicago. Customs was always fun, especially with Marita’s newly minted paperwork. Even with his passport and military ID, he was still a vaguely brown male coming into the country. They rifled through the diaper bag and his duffel. They scrutinized the car seat/stroller combo like he had something hidden in them.

Finally, they waved them through, and Cougar bit back a sigh of relief that they were almost home.

Jensen was waiting just beyond security, scanning the crowd and practically bouncing in place. Cougar felt his lips curl into a smile. “Jen,” he called softly.

Jensen heard him. Of course. Sometimes, Cougar wondered if there was such a thing as a psychic bond, the way they worked together. Then, he told himself to stop being an idiot, and get to work.

Before he could blink, Cougar was pulled into a tight hug. Funny how he hadn’t even noticed that he was tense until all the muscles relaxed. They were home. A moment later, Jensen was holding Marita, lifting her with one smooth movement. “Sorry,” he murmured. “I should probably ask, but she’s just so damned cute, Coug. She’s adorable.”

“Thank you.” Cougar smiled, reaching over to stroke her cheek. “Marita, this is your Uncle Jensen. He is your…He is my best friend,” he amended. “I still do not know what I should call myself. I mean, I am her uncle, but I will be behaving as her papa. Should I be papa, or Uncle Carlos? Nana says I am her papa, but I do not want to insult Kesare’s memory.”

“I think you have time to decide, but I don’t think Kesare would have minded you being her daddy, Cougs. Also, I think it would be easier for the kid to understand.” Jensen settled her against his shoulder and looped an arm around Cougar. “For now, let’s get you home. Clay is waiting by the curb.”

With a nod, Cougar dumped his duffel into the vacated stroller and pushed it behind. . Jensen was talking to Marita, a sweet, high pitched voice that Cougar only heard him use to babies and small animals. Judging from the way Marita’s eyes were drooping, she appreciated the effort. For that matter, so did he.

With flights and getting paperwork and necessities together, he had not slept in nearly 50 hours He’d be lucky if he made it to the car before he fell asleep.

When they made it outside, Clay was leaning against his SUV, glaring at the security guard like he was daring him to object. When he saw Cougar, and more to the point, Marita, his face softened, breaking into a rare smile.

“Hey, little lady,” he crooned softly, leaning forward and brushing a finger over her fine hair. “I’m Uncle Clay. The cool one.”

“Do not listen to him, carina. He is not cool.” Cougar let Clay take his duffel and toss it in the back before he unhooked the car seat from it’s little stroller base and began trying to adjust it in the backseat. The car seat was quickly becoming his personal nemesis. He could piece together a rifle’s complex parts in no time, but the straps and buckles could nearly send him into hyperventilation.

After all, if he messed up the rifle, it was most likely to explode on him. This, his daughter’s life depended on.

By the time he had it settled and got her strapped in, Jensen had already claimed the back seat next to her. “I will never hold her again,” Cougar teased. “Not the way Jensen is with babies.”

“What can I say, babies love me,” Jensen smirked.

“Same mental age,” Clay shot back.

“Hey!” Jensen bent towards the baby. “Do you hear this? Uncle Clay is a big meanie. He’s just jealous that the ladies all love Cougar.”

After a few minutes, the bickering faded away into background, and Cougar dozed. Marita was safe, and he was home, with his team. It was all right to let go.