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Ficlet: Respect
Okay, so I have a tiny bit o'crack here. For any of you who may remember Wyoming Elfman, or Shakespeare Skum, WWE style, you know what I mean.
Title: Respect
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: JDM/JA
Disclaimer: This so did not happen. Loosely based off the "Rules for Evil Overlords."
"Not watching the game?" Jared asked, breezing into Jensen's house, and making a beeline for the fridge. Jensen believed in buying good beer. "Dude, the Cowboys are going to get killed, and then Chad's gonna mock you forever."
Jeff and Jensen looked up from the stack of papers on the table guiltily.
"Uh," Jensen muttered. "Hi. You're early."
"And? Whatcha doin?" Jared wandered over and looked down, startled to see a pile of something that looked like blueprints. "What are those--wait. Death ray?"
"Um." Jensen stared, reminding Jared of Harley looking for Sadie's help when he'd done something bad.
"Well, y'see, it's like this," Jeff finally broke in. "We're evil overlords. Jen's my prodigy."
"What? Come on, Jeff, that's-"
"We are," Jensen agreed. "I'm building my first death ray. Then I'm going to take over the world."
"You can't build a death ray!" Jared sat down, looking at the complex plans. "You--Jen, you don't want to kill people, do you?"
Jensen shifted in his seat. "...some of them."
Jared stared. "But-"
"I don't want to kill you," Jensen murmured reassuringly. "Just the stupid people. And the assholes. And the television execs."
"Jensen, you can't--well, maybe the executives, but you can't just kill people! I mean, you'll get caught!"
Jeff laughed. "Nah. No one's going to believe that a stupid, pretty boy trained-monkey of an actor is an evil genius until it's too late. Plus, we have a secret weapon."
Jared opened his mouth to ask what that was, but was distracted by Bisou shoving her head under his hand, and placing her paw on his thigh. He scritched her absently, and offered her a bite of the beef stick he'd grabbed off Jensen's table. "What's your secret weapon?"
"Look down, Jare."
To his horror, Jared saw a tiny green laser dot on his chest. It seemed to be coming from Bisou's collar. He yelped.
"Don't worry, Bisou knows not to shoot you. Plus, it's just a sleep ray. Nothing lethal," Jeff drawled.
"But...why?"
Jensen sighed heavily. "RESPECT, Jared. It's all about RESPECT."
"RESPECT?"
"Yeah. No one RESPECTs me. It's always, c'mon, Jensen, cry for us. Take off your shirt. Let me maul you like a slab of meat. Are you gaining weight? Is that cokebloat? No RESPECT."
"Don't forget the lazy eye and bowlegs," Jeff chimed in.
Jared glared at Jeff. "You're not helping. What are you getting out of this, anyway?"
"Sex," Jeff murmured. "Lots of really good sex."
"Oh."
"You could still be our consort, though," Jensen offered.
"I--wait. What about Sandy?"
Jeff leered. "She can be the consort, too."
"Jeff," Jared hissed. "She's my girlfriend."
"And? Not like I don't know about you two and Chad's "thing," y'know," Jeff returned, making air quotes.
"Speaking of, here he comes," Jensen said. "Do me a favor, Jare. We told him he's a minion, but he's really one of our advisors. Keep it under your hat."
"Chad is your advisor?
"Rule number 12, but we couldn't find a five year old. Chad'll do," Jensen shrugged.
"Hey, you wanna see Jen's newest toy?" Jeff asked.
"Uh. No."
"Dude, it's cool. Watch." Jeff handed Jensen something that looked like a miniature version of the death ray, and Jensen pointed it at the door.
"Jensen! Chad's my friend!"
"Sssh."
Chad burst into the room, mouth already running. "So, ready to watch the Cowpuffs get creamed? Do we have any good beer-"
Jensen pulled the trigger, and Chad went silent. His mouth still moved--indeed, at the moment he seemed to be spewing a series of curses, hands flailing as he narrowed his eyes at Jensen.
"Whoa," Jared muttered. "Does that come in a keychain sized model?"
Jensen smiled. "Now you're getting the picture."
"How does one go about becoming an evil overlord?"
"Internet classes," Jensen said smugly.
"Oh. You read the rules, right?"
"Dude," Jensen smirked. "RESPECT the brains, here."
"What happens if you capture the spunky, yet hot rebel?"
"Shooting is not too good for my enemies," Jensen recited. "Do not sleep with the spunky yet hot rebel. There's bound to be someone equally hot who doesn't want me dead."
"If they say, 'before you kill me, tell me your plan?'"
"Shoot them, then say no."
"Okay. Can I be a minion?"
"Sure. Anything for you, Jare." Jensen grinned.
-End-
Title: Respect
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: JDM/JA
Disclaimer: This so did not happen. Loosely based off the "Rules for Evil Overlords."
"Not watching the game?" Jared asked, breezing into Jensen's house, and making a beeline for the fridge. Jensen believed in buying good beer. "Dude, the Cowboys are going to get killed, and then Chad's gonna mock you forever."
Jeff and Jensen looked up from the stack of papers on the table guiltily.
"Uh," Jensen muttered. "Hi. You're early."
"And? Whatcha doin?" Jared wandered over and looked down, startled to see a pile of something that looked like blueprints. "What are those--wait. Death ray?"
"Um." Jensen stared, reminding Jared of Harley looking for Sadie's help when he'd done something bad.
"Well, y'see, it's like this," Jeff finally broke in. "We're evil overlords. Jen's my prodigy."
"What? Come on, Jeff, that's-"
"We are," Jensen agreed. "I'm building my first death ray. Then I'm going to take over the world."
"You can't build a death ray!" Jared sat down, looking at the complex plans. "You--Jen, you don't want to kill people, do you?"
Jensen shifted in his seat. "...some of them."
Jared stared. "But-"
"I don't want to kill you," Jensen murmured reassuringly. "Just the stupid people. And the assholes. And the television execs."
"Jensen, you can't--well, maybe the executives, but you can't just kill people! I mean, you'll get caught!"
Jeff laughed. "Nah. No one's going to believe that a stupid, pretty boy trained-monkey of an actor is an evil genius until it's too late. Plus, we have a secret weapon."
Jared opened his mouth to ask what that was, but was distracted by Bisou shoving her head under his hand, and placing her paw on his thigh. He scritched her absently, and offered her a bite of the beef stick he'd grabbed off Jensen's table. "What's your secret weapon?"
"Look down, Jare."
To his horror, Jared saw a tiny green laser dot on his chest. It seemed to be coming from Bisou's collar. He yelped.
"Don't worry, Bisou knows not to shoot you. Plus, it's just a sleep ray. Nothing lethal," Jeff drawled.
"But...why?"
Jensen sighed heavily. "RESPECT, Jared. It's all about RESPECT."
"RESPECT?"
"Yeah. No one RESPECTs me. It's always, c'mon, Jensen, cry for us. Take off your shirt. Let me maul you like a slab of meat. Are you gaining weight? Is that cokebloat? No RESPECT."
"Don't forget the lazy eye and bowlegs," Jeff chimed in.
Jared glared at Jeff. "You're not helping. What are you getting out of this, anyway?"
"Sex," Jeff murmured. "Lots of really good sex."
"Oh."
"You could still be our consort, though," Jensen offered.
"I--wait. What about Sandy?"
Jeff leered. "She can be the consort, too."
"Jeff," Jared hissed. "She's my girlfriend."
"And? Not like I don't know about you two and Chad's "thing," y'know," Jeff returned, making air quotes.
"Speaking of, here he comes," Jensen said. "Do me a favor, Jare. We told him he's a minion, but he's really one of our advisors. Keep it under your hat."
"Chad is your advisor?
"Rule number 12, but we couldn't find a five year old. Chad'll do," Jensen shrugged.
"Hey, you wanna see Jen's newest toy?" Jeff asked.
"Uh. No."
"Dude, it's cool. Watch." Jeff handed Jensen something that looked like a miniature version of the death ray, and Jensen pointed it at the door.
"Jensen! Chad's my friend!"
"Sssh."
Chad burst into the room, mouth already running. "So, ready to watch the Cowpuffs get creamed? Do we have any good beer-"
Jensen pulled the trigger, and Chad went silent. His mouth still moved--indeed, at the moment he seemed to be spewing a series of curses, hands flailing as he narrowed his eyes at Jensen.
"Whoa," Jared muttered. "Does that come in a keychain sized model?"
Jensen smiled. "Now you're getting the picture."
"How does one go about becoming an evil overlord?"
"Internet classes," Jensen said smugly.
"Oh. You read the rules, right?"
"Dude," Jensen smirked. "RESPECT the brains, here."
"What happens if you capture the spunky, yet hot rebel?"
"Shooting is not too good for my enemies," Jensen recited. "Do not sleep with the spunky yet hot rebel. There's bound to be someone equally hot who doesn't want me dead."
"If they say, 'before you kill me, tell me your plan?'"
"Shoot them, then say no."
"Okay. Can I be a minion?"
"Sure. Anything for you, Jare." Jensen grinned.
-End-