You keep alive a moment at a time...

Mon, 01 Sep 2014 14:48:48 GMT

If I ever lack for titles, or things to say, I can always count on the Foo Fighters. This one brought to you by "Walk," which is totally appropriate. I've been crawling out of another depressive hole that sucked me in with the new year.

I've talked a little about out new dog, Tucker. He's so sweet, but so fucked up. For the first six months, he was a fucking nightmare. He bit, he snarled, he was aggressive, you name it. He bit a cop who was coming to tell us about break ins in the area. We got him from one of the shelter's we worked with, and I gotta admit, I was pissed at them for a long time for giving us this fucking nightmare of a dog. Also, I'd asked for a small dog "less than 30 lbs." He was indeed 29lbs when he arrived. However, he was so underweight it was horrible. There was a point when there was serious discussions of sending him back vs having him put to sleep.

Thankfully, it never came to that. So, what we've ended up with now is a dog who's sweet as can be, but occasionally gets mouthy. He's also between 60-80lbs. So much for a small dog. On the other hand, I have no fears about our house being broken into.

I fell on the stairs in early January, and broke my fucking ankle. Spent most of the spring in a boot, but thankfully no surgery. Now, along with my neck, it's an awesome fucking barometer.

For most of the winter, our hot water heater was dead. We did total whore baths and heated up water in a tea kettle.

It was a shitty winter, too. Snow every five minutes. Add having a plastic, open toed boot on one foot, and it blew. I missed SO much time from work. And worse, I didn't care.

Work kind of sucked too. I was in a bad place in my head, and I wasn't doing the job the way I knew I could. I just couldn't find the energy to care.

Then, starting in April-ish, my mother's health took a hit. She's been in and out of the hospital every few weeks because she's not taking care of herself well. She doesn't eat enough, doesn't drink, etc. I think she's depressed, too. She's not used to her new level of function and it's chafing, and making her feel useless.

Needless to say, this has not helped my depression either.

Then, our clothes dryer died. We could probably replace it, but it would stretch the budget hard. Plus, a laundromat opened right up the street. I've been taking our clothes up on Sunday mornings, and taking my laptop with me. There's no internet access, so I've been writing on the Open Access word processor, then transferring to google drive.

It's been good for me to have mandated time to write. Between that, and the soft chill in the air in the early morning when I go to work, I feel like I'm waking up again and coming into myself.
I don't think I'll ever be the person who can write three pages in an hour again, but I can write, even when it's hard.

In my continuing urge to push myself a little each week, I started posting last week on AO3. It's the fandom that ate my brain, Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Because Goddam, those are some pretty people. Should anyone want to see it, it can be found at AO3

So, yeah. Looking forward to the cool embrace of the Dark time of the year, and continuing to grow and move forward again.

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And then, there's a bearded fetus.

You keep alive a moment at a time...