I started a post last weekend, but my could dissolved before it became did.

However, I jerked awake at 6:15am after a frankly horrible nightmare, and haven't quite shaken it.

It pushed me out of bed, to the store and into a mixed state of hypomania before I could blink.

It's been a really stressful week. I got sick again, and spent four out of five days out of work. My sister, who works at a bank, made a mistake and has been off for three days, waiting to see if she has a job. They still haven't called her, which is just unconscionable. It was just under $900. She's been there four years. They'd just promoted her to head teller. Yet they've left her hanging for three days without a word. I want to set them on fire for doing this to her.

Aside from that, things are good, though I'm wincing at the lack of time that I had for this illness. I'm taking my pills like a good girl, and trying to not lose my mind. As my nightmare proved, I might not be doing the best job at it.

If there's a major trigger I own that it didn't hit, I don't know it. Dead mom issues, check. Disappointing family members, check. Dying family members, check. Being helpless and imprisoned/kept somewhere against my will, check. (ask me about buying my last car, it was horrific.) Harm to animals--my animals, check. War/violence, check. Serious incurable illness, check.

I'm kind of a mess today. It wasn't so much jerk brain as complete psychotic asshole brain. If I'd done a better job of taking my meds this week (it's hard for me to remember morning meds when I'm out of work), I'd have skipped cymbalta today, since it tends to hype me. (thus it being a morning med.)

Fortunately, after copious amounts of Greek food, i'm feeling more grounded in my body. Fucking brain.

I hate doing this on a weekend.
Happy belated holidays to all who celebrate. It's been a weird season for me. First up was my birthday, which was harder in some ways than Christmas. To start with, I don't really like my birthday. It's just not traditionally been a good day for me. With it being so close to Christmas, it's usually kind of ignored. Add to that, someone in my family usually was sick for it. Somewhere in my thirties, I threw a shitfit about the way my sister (an August baby) got her perfect party everytime, with the food she wanted, the cake she wanted, and I frequently got whatever was easiest. (That was the year I got an ice cream cake when I can't eat ice cream due to congestion issues.) In retrospect, I feel bad about the shitfit, but the fact remains. Birthdays suck for me.
Last year's party was postponed a week due to having to have the dog put to sleep on the 17th.

This year, we did it a day early, since my sister was off, and I got off early. It was a good day, with tasty food, and awesome homemade cupcakes with homemade cream cheese frosting. I love my sister, and I appreciated her trying for me.

I would have given anything for my mother to present me with a shitty ice cream cake.

Christmas, Shelly again did her somewhat manic best to make things perfect. It was very nice. I kept trying to remember last Christmas. I couldn't remember a fucking thing. I guess everyone wishes they'd known it was the last anything.

We had a really good Thanksgiving, before she died. We'd gone to Cracker Barrel for food, and it was really good. Low key, and relaxed. That Saturday, she was gone. I knew it was probably the last Thanksgiving. She'd had two cardiac arrests just before Halloween, and we knew. I just figured we'd have a Christmas.

I'm still a little numb, but it's starting to sink in. I'm starting to think I should call my therapist, Diane and make an appointment soon. I didn't want to waste her time while I was too numb to think straight. I know they get busier at the holidays, and I didn't want to take the time from someone who could use it. I think I'm almost ready.

Aside from that, all is status quo. I've picked up a couple of extra hours at work, so next week's check will be nice. Jess and I might take a weekend in January or February and get away for a weekend. Now to decide, Virginia, Pennsylvania, or other? Anything within a three hour drive is good for a weekender. Maybe Rehoboth? How's that for a winter weekend?

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