Since that last post, life has continued to suck wind.

We made the decision to euthanize our dog of almost four years. He'd come to us at just over a year old, having already suffered abuses at the hands of his first owner. What we were told was that he was a people dog, good with other animals, etc. What we got was a dog with massive PTSD, and aggression issues. gross medical shit ahoy )

(no subject)

Jun. 8th, 2016 07:22 am
beanside: (Slinky)
I've written at least two hardcore whine-a-thon posts, which I'd then re-read, tell myself not to be a goddamn drama queen, and delete.
TLDR, for those who don't want to click the cut, I got fired, got depressed. Got a new job, am better, tapering off one of my three crazy meds, and it is kicking my ass.
Okay, all good? Yay.

Read more... )

(no subject)

Apr. 14th, 2016 09:28 am
beanside: (jbb)
The icon pretty accurately describes the last few months. I've written at least two hardcore whine-a-thon posts, which I'd then re-read, tell myself not to be a goddamn drama queen, and delete.
TLDR, for those who don't want to click the cut, I got fired, got depressed.

Read more... )
While I totally consider myself a witch, I wouldn't say I'm a Wiccan anymore. I did the Coven thing, and it was awesome, and I love the people in it like family to this day--if any one of them called and asked for help, I'd be there, even though it's been over a decade since we circled. When we disbanded, due to changing lives, and new ailments, lack of time and energy, it broke my heart. I still miss them, every moon, every Sabbat. Halloween, we would write the things we wanted to let go of in the coming year on flash paper, and stuff them in a carefully hollowed pumpkin. Then, we'd light the paper, and the ensuing pillar of flame would consume anxiety or bad habits, or old grudges. It was very visual and visceral, the heat like a wall, and the fire so bright it would leave afterimages. More, it was fun. Our record for highest flame topped out at about 8 feet.

Halloween was always my Sabbat. It didn't matter who else did the others, and I took my turn at them, too. But Halloween...I've always called the dark my time. The crow and the cat are mine, blood and bone mine to call.
Some years, it was harder than others. Last year especially, the dark time had a cruel lash to it as we said goodbye to my mother before the light returned, and when it did, it never seemed to burn as brightly.

I think it's going to be rough this year, but Samhain wasn't too bad. Still can't watch the end of Big Hero Six, though. We were in the theater watching when we got the call to come home. (She was already gone, but the paramedics were still trying. They tried far longer than anyone had the right to ask.)

This was held over from being posted by our fucked up phone and internet. I finally decided that as big a pain in the ass as it is to type on my phone, I should suck it up.
It's been a rough couple of years for you and Lee so I'm sending all the good thoughts and best wishes for a better year, starting immediately.

I can't tell you how much I've appreciated you being my cheerleader and friend all these years.

I did a good!

May. 28th, 2015 08:21 pm
beanside: (Happy Pitty)
I finished the MCU Winter Soldier monster fic! 141 pages in Googledocs. My writing ability the last few years has been really shaky, and I've had a bitch of a time finishing things. I promised myself that I wouldn't let this one go, and I didn't!

It's a little bump my confidence could kinda use.

I'm going to post the rest this weekend, I think. For anyone interested, it can be found here.
I started a post last weekend, but my could dissolved before it became did.

However, I jerked awake at 6:15am after a frankly horrible nightmare, and haven't quite shaken it.

It pushed me out of bed, to the store and into a mixed state of hypomania before I could blink.

It's been a really stressful week. I got sick again, and spent four out of five days out of work. My sister, who works at a bank, made a mistake and has been off for three days, waiting to see if she has a job. They still haven't called her, which is just unconscionable. It was just under $900. She's been there four years. They'd just promoted her to head teller. Yet they've left her hanging for three days without a word. I want to set them on fire for doing this to her.

Aside from that, things are good, though I'm wincing at the lack of time that I had for this illness. I'm taking my pills like a good girl, and trying to not lose my mind. As my nightmare proved, I might not be doing the best job at it.

If there's a major trigger I own that it didn't hit, I don't know it. Dead mom issues, check. Disappointing family members, check. Dying family members, check. Being helpless and imprisoned/kept somewhere against my will, check. (ask me about buying my last car, it was horrific.) Harm to animals--my animals, check. War/violence, check. Serious incurable illness, check.

I'm kind of a mess today. It wasn't so much jerk brain as complete psychotic asshole brain. If I'd done a better job of taking my meds this week (it's hard for me to remember morning meds when I'm out of work), I'd have skipped cymbalta today, since it tends to hype me. (thus it being a morning med.)

Fortunately, after copious amounts of Greek food, i'm feeling more grounded in my body. Fucking brain.

I hate doing this on a weekend.
Happy belated holidays to all who celebrate. It's been a weird season for me. First up was my birthday, which was harder in some ways than Christmas. To start with, I don't really like my birthday. It's just not traditionally been a good day for me. With it being so close to Christmas, it's usually kind of ignored. Add to that, someone in my family usually was sick for it. Somewhere in my thirties, I threw a shitfit about the way my sister (an August baby) got her perfect party everytime, with the food she wanted, the cake she wanted, and I frequently got whatever was easiest. (That was the year I got an ice cream cake when I can't eat ice cream due to congestion issues.) In retrospect, I feel bad about the shitfit, but the fact remains. Birthdays suck for me.
Last year's party was postponed a week due to having to have the dog put to sleep on the 17th.

This year, we did it a day early, since my sister was off, and I got off early. It was a good day, with tasty food, and awesome homemade cupcakes with homemade cream cheese frosting. I love my sister, and I appreciated her trying for me.

I would have given anything for my mother to present me with a shitty ice cream cake.

Christmas, Shelly again did her somewhat manic best to make things perfect. It was very nice. I kept trying to remember last Christmas. I couldn't remember a fucking thing. I guess everyone wishes they'd known it was the last anything.

We had a really good Thanksgiving, before she died. We'd gone to Cracker Barrel for food, and it was really good. Low key, and relaxed. That Saturday, she was gone. I knew it was probably the last Thanksgiving. She'd had two cardiac arrests just before Halloween, and we knew. I just figured we'd have a Christmas.

I'm still a little numb, but it's starting to sink in. I'm starting to think I should call my therapist, Diane and make an appointment soon. I didn't want to waste her time while I was too numb to think straight. I know they get busier at the holidays, and I didn't want to take the time from someone who could use it. I think I'm almost ready.

Aside from that, all is status quo. I've picked up a couple of extra hours at work, so next week's check will be nice. Jess and I might take a weekend in January or February and get away for a weekend. Now to decide, Virginia, Pennsylvania, or other? Anything within a three hour drive is good for a weekender. Maybe Rehoboth? How's that for a winter weekend?
My mom passed this afternoon. She'd had a cardiac arrest about a month ago, but the paramedics brought her back. Unfortunately, our luck ran out today.

Jess and I were at the movies, watching Big Hero 6. (Awesome movie, but couldn't tell you about the ending. We got the call as the big showdown was about to happen, and came right home.)

The

I'm...still kind of numb, alternating with crying. I knew it was going to happen, but somehow it's still a shock. Tomorrow, we'll have to start the process of dealing, but for now, I think I'm going to bed.
There's a lot of things fucked up in the world. Racism is alive and well, it's brought its little brother and sister isms with it.

Still, I'm thankful for a lot this year. My beautiful wife, who finally had the courage to step back and cut her abusive family off. I'm so fucking proud of her.

My family, though they have their issues. My mom had a cardiac arrest a few weeks ago. She's still here, still fighting. It's scary as hell, but better than the alternative.

My friends. I'm lucky to have a few really close friends, the sisters of my heart. Also a wider ring who I might not talk with every day, but who are always in my heart, and I know when we see each other/talk online it'll be like time never passed at all.

My mental health is in a better place than it's been in a while. The bipolar meds are going strong, and while there are ups and downs, I know I'm better than I was.

My words. Some days, they trickle. Some days they flood. They come though, and I can't say how glad I am about that. I thank MCU and the Russo brother's for the Hoyay that kicked them loose.

You all. Every last person I talk to, or follow, or read online. You mean the world. I'd be long dead and buried if not for you.
If I ever lack for titles, or things to say, I can always count on the Foo Fighters. This one brought to you by "Walk," which is totally appropriate. I've been crawling out of another depressive hole that sucked me in with the new year.

I've talked a little about out new dog, Tucker. He's so sweet, but so fucked up. For the first six months, he was a fucking nightmare. He bit, he snarled, he was aggressive, you name it. He bit a cop who was coming to tell us about break ins in the area. We got him from one of the shelter's we worked with, and I gotta admit, I was pissed at them for a long time for giving us this fucking nightmare of a dog. Also, I'd asked for a small dog "less than 30 lbs." He was indeed 29lbs when he arrived. However, he was so underweight it was horrible. There was a point when there was serious discussions of sending him back vs having him put to sleep.

Thankfully, it never came to that. So, what we've ended up with now is a dog who's sweet as can be, but occasionally gets mouthy. He's also between 60-80lbs. So much for a small dog. On the other hand, I have no fears about our house being broken into.

I fell on the stairs in early January, and broke my fucking ankle. Spent most of the spring in a boot, but thankfully no surgery. Now, along with my neck, it's an awesome fucking barometer.

For most of the winter, our hot water heater was dead. We did total whore baths and heated up water in a tea kettle.

It was a shitty winter, too. Snow every five minutes. Add having a plastic, open toed boot on one foot, and it blew. I missed SO much time from work. And worse, I didn't care.

Work kind of sucked too. I was in a bad place in my head, and I wasn't doing the job the way I knew I could. I just couldn't find the energy to care.

Then, starting in April-ish, my mother's health took a hit. She's been in and out of the hospital every few weeks because she's not taking care of herself well. She doesn't eat enough, doesn't drink, etc. I think she's depressed, too. She's not used to her new level of function and it's chafing, and making her feel useless.

Needless to say, this has not helped my depression either.

Then, our clothes dryer died. We could probably replace it, but it would stretch the budget hard. Plus, a laundromat opened right up the street. I've been taking our clothes up on Sunday mornings, and taking my laptop with me. There's no internet access, so I've been writing on the Open Access word processor, then transferring to google drive.

It's been good for me to have mandated time to write. Between that, and the soft chill in the air in the early morning when I go to work, I feel like I'm waking up again and coming into myself.
I don't think I'll ever be the person who can write three pages in an hour again, but I can write, even when it's hard.

In my continuing urge to push myself a little each week, I started posting last week on AO3. It's the fandom that ate my brain, Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Because Goddam, those are some pretty people. Should anyone want to see it, it can be found at AO3

So, yeah. Looking forward to the cool embrace of the Dark time of the year, and continuing to grow and move forward again.
Tags:

Why not?

Aug. 22nd, 2014 06:07 pm
beanside: (Elliot)
Not like I've been posting much (unless you're on my twitter, in which case...I'm sorry.) but I figured what the hell? I've been trying to write a little bit every day, so hey who knows?

Stolen from everyone. Give me a letter & I'll answer!

A. Describe your comfort zone—a typical you-fic.
B. Is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to?
C. Is there a trope you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole?
D. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Care to share one of them?
E. Share one of your strengths.
F. Share one of your weaknesses.
G. Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.
H. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.
I. Which fic has been the hardest to write?
J. Which fic has been the easiest to write?
K. Is writing your passion or just a fun hobby?
L. Is there an episode section of canon above all others that inspires you just a little bit more?
M. What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever come across?
N. What’s the worst writing advice you’ve ever come across?
O. If you could choose one of your fics to be filmed, which would you choose?
P. If you only could write one pairing for the rest of your life, which pairing would it be?
Q. Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?
R. Do you use any tools, like worksheets or outlines?
S. Stephen King once said that his muse is a man who lives in the basement. Do you have a muse?
T. Describe your perfect writing conditions.
U. How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?
V. Choose a passage from one of your earlier fics and edit it into your current writing style. (Person sending the ask is free to make suggestions).
W. If you were to revise one of your older fics from start to finish, which would it be and why?
X. Have you ever deleted one of your published fics?
Y. What do you look for in a beta?
Z. Do you beta yourself? If so, what kind of beta are you?
AA. How do you feel about collaborations?
AB. Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.
AC. If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?
AD. Do you accept prompts?
AE. Do you take liberties with canon or are you very strict about your fic being canon compliant?
AF. How do you feel about smut?
AG. How do you feel about crack?
AH. What are your thoughts on non-con and dub-con?
AI. Would you ever kill off a canon character?
AJ. Which is your favorite site to post fic?
AK. Talk about your current wips.
AL. Talk about a review that made your day.
AM. Do you ever get rude reviews and how do you deal with them?
AN. Write an alternative ending to a fic you've written (specify by title, link or general description].
And I am not there.

However, if anyone I know is, and would consider grabbing me one of the Winter Soldier hoodies, 3x from the Marvel booth, I would be ecstatic and would paypal you my firstborn (also the cost and whatever shipping and extra for awesome).

CON.TXT!

Jun. 13th, 2014 01:20 pm
beanside: (Default)
Whoohoo! Can has Fangirls!!
Things have been so fucked up this year, between the broken ankle, and mom being sick and depression that I kind of forgot it was coming up until last week.

So, yes, Jess and I are coming to Con.txt, and we convinced the lovely Poisontaster to join us. I cannot wait to get there. We're coming down Thursday night after we get off work, and staying til Sunday.

Can't wait to catch up with everyone!
Jess and I have been talking about triggers. There have been so many times where we've been sitting in a movie, enjoying it, and suddenly, bam. Rape scene. Or animal abuse. It seems to be prevalent in every genre.

Wikipedia is always a help, but then you're spoiled for the whole movie. So, I was thinking about a website, where reviewers come to fill out a simple checklist after a movie. Seriously, I'm thinking a 45 second checklist, where you ticky box off the issues the movie had. I'd start out with people I know and trust reviewing movies, and work up to more via referrals.

Once the site is established, I'd figured on putting some google ads up, and seeing if we can make money. Then, I could start *gasp* paying for reviews, more for new movies, and less for older movies.

With that in mind, I have some questions below. Poll is open to all, please send anyone over who you think would be interested.




Poll #13681 Does the Dog Die?
Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 12


Would you be interested in a site like this?

View Answers

Yes
10 (83.3%)

No
0 (0.0%)

Maybe
2 (16.7%)

Would you be interested in helping to build the community?

View Answers

Yes
7 (58.3%)

No
0 (0.0%)

Maybe
5 (41.7%)

What kind of thing would you want to do?

View Answers

Review Movies
8 (66.7%)

Coding help
1 (8.3%)

Support
4 (33.3%)

Promotion
2 (16.7%)

Other, that I will explain in comments
0 (0.0%)

What type of triggers would you want to see warned for?

View Answers

Animal Abuse/Death
11 (91.7%)

Child Cruelty
10 (83.3%)

Rape
10 (83.3%)

Sexual violence
7 (58.3%)

Physical violence
5 (41.7%)

Emotional abuse
5 (41.7%)

Migraine trigger (shaky cam, flashing lights)
7 (58.3%)

Seizure trigger
6 (50.0%)

Other that I will discuss in comments
1 (8.3%)

Things have been pretty good as of late. I'm slowly increasing my mood stabilizer, and it's working well, though we're past the first halcyon days of 'holy shit, I feel so awesome!' Mostly now, I just feel like I can concentrate and less likely to try to remove someone's head with an axe. I'm very slowly working my way up to 200mg, which is the low end of clinical dosing.

One very pleasant carryover is that my noise phobia is much improved. Previously, I hadn't been able to handle any music in the car, and things on the computer were a total no-go. If it didn't come with subtitles, I didn't want to watch it. If Jess wanted to watch one of her online horror series, I'd hide in the bathroom. It started switching around 75mg, that suddenly, I could handle music in the car sometimes. Usually in the morning. It's still not 100%, but it's a start.

Another thing that has changed is the music I listen to. I had a pretty decent list of music on my computer, but most of it was quiet folk music like Dar Williams, or alternately outlaw country like Zachariah and the Los Lobos Riders or Kane. I rebought some Indigo girls a couple weeks ago, and that was lovely. I'd missed them. (Yes, I am a lesbian stereotype.) I started bopping along with the Foo Fighters again. There was only one step to take to get back to all the music I'd loved. It required rebuying some CDs that had disappeared, but it was totally worth it.

This morning, I cheerfully sang along, spitting curses out right in time with his Mighty Hetfield-ness. God, I missed Metallica. How did I forget how much I loved their music. Hell, it was one of the first concerts Jess and I went to together. (That, or N'Sync-yes, I know. I have absolutely horrible taste in music.) S&M was my introduction to Metallica, and it will always be my favorite. And now, it's back in my CD changer. I can't wait to drive home and listen to more.

It's weird, how much it felt like I was coming home, listening this morning. I still remembered every word, every added curse. Next up, Reload and Garage inc. Also, Godsmack. I love me some Godsmack. They opened at the Met concert we went to in Philly. (I may have a bit of a crush on Sully.)

Next post: An idea that I had, but I might need some help with it....
I wanted to take a moment to wish my beautiful, and amazing wife the happiest of birthdays. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm so honored that you chose to share your life with me. It's been a rough first few months, but I finally feel like we're finding our feet. I love you, and my birthday wish for you is a bright year, filled with joy and love.
Te ama, mi vida.
I was having a rough depression and pain time for a bit. I'd been playing Glitch, until it closed, which helped for awhile, but then with it gone, the depression crept back up, without me realizing it.

But while I was what I thought was mostly good, Jess made calls for me to psych places, and one, White Marsh Psychiatric Associates, called me back. I scheduled appointments with a therapist, and a nurse practitioner to do my meds. Diane, my therapist, is awesome. She's kind, pleasant, and lets me ramble as needed. It's helped more than I would have expected, to get thing out. Nancy, the NP, is also sweet, even if it took her awhile to figure out what I could take with my other meds.

We decided on Death Rash, er Lamictal. Which is oddly the same thing Jess is on, though it looks like I may end up on a higher dosage. I didn't feel anything during the first two weeks, of 25mg. But whoop, when 50mg came around, so did I.

It's made an enormous difference. I'm much happier, more stable. I feel more alert. After cymbalta killing my libido, I'm horny! Its nice. And best yet, my creativity is like as stream that had been blocked, after the dam broke. It's running high and full, and I'm dragging Jess along in my wake, to the tune of 10,000 words in just over a week! *knock on wood*

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